I washed my hair, got dressed, walked Tyke, took the dry laundry of the rack in the bathroom, put a load of laundry in the machine, then realized I didn´t feel very good and thought very hard and realized that I had forgotten to take my Welbutrin, so I did that and now I am waiting for it to start working. Actually, It is all a plot to sit here and write this post, because I don´t want to deal with the reality of the day, but that´s not so strange if you´ve forgotten to take your pills. I really feel like I´m going to fall apart a little bit, though, and this is keeping me from doing so. I keep telling myself to stay focused on one thing and to not let my mind scatter into ten different directions, but I really think I´m hopelessly lost.
No wait, just let me have the time to let my pills work and I´ll be alright. I mustn´t be so scared, so intimidated by what happens in my head. Yet I´m so often afraid and so scared about how I will manage everything and if I will be okay in the end. It´s just the lack of pills speaking now. I will be alright in a while. Yet it´s hard to be me and to be so fragile and unsteady. Oh, I´m just imagining that. I´m a tough cookie, really. I´m a tough broad. If you say that often enough, you start believing it yourself.
I´m unable to do the dishes. They stand there on the counter, not many of them, and look at me accusingly. Wash us, they say, and I imagine making hot soapy water and cleaning each cup and glass until it sparkles, but somehow I don´t get excited about it at all. It will just be another one of those mind numbing chores that I have done so often in my life and that I want a dishwasher for, even though that means buying many more glasses and cups. Glasses especially, as I seem to break those quite easily when I do the dishes, but then again, maybe they are inferior glasses. Cheap glasses that you buy at the Action store for a dime a dozen. I need to go to a proper household goods store and buy some decent glasses. I think I have already stated that once, haven´t I? The vet bill had to be paid instead. For that little stinker.
A friend of mine just called. She calls me twice a week and always wants to know if I have any news. I very rarely do, because I don´t have time for anything new to happen. She means well, she just doesn´t have a very interesting life. It´s even less interesting than mine. At least I have drama in mine, where she doesn´t or hardly ever. Every once in a while she takes a few too many pills, but that´s it. Nothing too dramatic. Just a few to make her sleep well.
In the meantime the Welbutrin is working and it has made me feel a little bit sleepy, which is not the normal effect you get from it, but so be it. Anything is better than feeling like a haunted animal. I feel reasonably calm now, although there is an undertow of anxiety, but that is probably because I have to go out this afternoon on my bike and I never look forward to that. Still, it is better than walking all that way with that sore toe of mine. Those hiking boots are really the culprits, but now my toe will hurt until the summertime, when I can wear sandals.
I hope by everything that is holy to me that the domestic help doesn´t show up today, because her timing would be very bad. You see how I´ve come to dislike the domestic help with their silent disapproval and their not so guarded remarks. I´m not very fond of them obviously and I´m sure they all live in spotless houses. It may be just my mood that is making me say that, so don´t pay too much attention to it.
My friend, who I talked to on the phone, said her psychiatrist would not give her Welbutrin because it destabilizes your moods. That´s an interesting bit of information, because that´s exactly what´s been happening to me. It makes me not be so fond of the Welbutrin and feel very uncomfortable on it. I could get so severely depressed that I could harm myself. I think I´m going to argue my case very strongly this afternoon.
I also found out last month, that the vitamins and minerals capsule that I had been taking for 3 months, severely interfered with the working of my medicines and rendered them almost completely useless, so I immediately stopped taking them. So for 3 months it had been as if I had taken no medicines at all when I took the capsules with the medicines in the morning. No wonder I was doing so badly. Andyou think you can just take anything and it isn´t true.
Well, I have to stop writing now and get ready to go. Wish me luck.
Have a nice day!