Sunday, April 18, 2010

Still here...

Despite my determination to end my life last night, I am still here. I have a full box of sleeping capsules, but there was some question about how many I would be able to take because of my gastric band and I was afraid that I would start throwing them up after a certain amount. So it was a question of logistics. After I would have taken them, there is a sure proof way to make sure you die of them, which I won't explain here. The thing is that the capsules are pretty big and my gastric band opening is very small, so I had a problem there. I couldn't guarantee success, only a botched job and I wasn't about to do that. I've had too many botched attempts already.

I spent the evening with my sister, which helped divert my attention some. I had a highly unsatisfactory phonecall with my daughter and it made me realize that parents shouldn't turn to their children in times of crisis. It's not the child's job to help the parent out of the crisis. Especially not this parent and especially not that child. I'm down enough on myself now that I have no good words for myself, so I'll try not to get into that. My crisis is not over, I feel as bad now as I did yesterday and there is no end in sight. I called the crisis hotline and had a brief conversation with someone there, but it didn't help much. It didn't bring me relief.

I am unable to resolve this and that is why I want a way out. I pray for a pill that will put me to sleep forever. I am so tired of being alive. I just don't know how to do it anymore.

Well. I will take my medicines now and see if they bring me any relief.

I've given up hope for something wonderful to happen. I don't expect it anymore now. There's something seriously wrong with me, because all I see is darkness.

16 comments:

Bernie said...

I care about you very much. I do not have any answers I only wish I did. Perhaps blogging friends are not that important to you but they are to me Nora, I love the connection I have with my blogging friends and I feel their pain when they are ill and I miss them when they are away even for a short time. They are important to me, you are one of my blogging friends and I worry about you when you are feeling this way.
I do hope your medication helps you to feel better this morning and that you have someone to sit and chat with you if only for a while.
I am not giving up on you Nora, I will keep you in my heart and prayers always.......big hugs :-)

Ms. Sweet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Babaloo said...

No, you're wrong there: It's everyone's responsibility to help someone in a crisis, no matter how they're related or even if they're strangers.

BUT, if you want to be helped it's also your responsibility to help that person help you. I'm not sure how I can help you, but I'd like to. So unless you can give me some pointers this is going to be a futile exercise. But maybe we (as in all your blog readers) are too far away.

So don't shut yourself away, that's not going to do anyone any good. Least of all yourself.

And, you know yourself that you've just gone through a major change in medication. Just thought I'd point that out, in case you've forgotten.

XOX

Maggie May said...

I am sorry to hear of this desperation. You know that I have seen you come through these episodes before and you do have a very contented life between these episodes.
Your daughter is not the person to help you. She is far too close to you to give any objective help and she must be really hurting about this. Yes...... she will be really hurting too and probably needs help to get her through.
I just want to point out that I am striving so hard to stay alive..... How do you think it makes me feel that you want to end your life so quickly?

All of the people who have been loyal to you all these months..... years in some cases, are urging you to keep going because this feeling does pass.
And we really do care about you. Hoping today will be different.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

frazzledsugarplummum said...

Isnt it when you are actually improving that you have the energy to even think of suicide.. before that you are too deep in the tiredness to do more than wish that you could just go to sleep and not wake up. Gardening has been my focus away from such thoughts...I understand volunteering in some way or doing something positive also helps. Blogging and reaching out has to be a postitive. Keep blogging.
Hugs

Frances said...

That's enough, Irene.

Twain12 said...

i'm with Bernie..i think i came across you for a reason, i can emphasise with so much that you are going trough and only wish i could express myself the way you do. You are more important than you think and i only wish i knew how to make it better. I do now sometimes it's hard for family member to deal with it. I know my sister and i went through some of it with my Mom. We both dealt with it differently. My sister had a harder time with it than i did and sometimes i think emotions are just to raw when you deal with people you love and to a certain degree with have to help ourselves but that can also mean getting help with professionals.
Throw yourself into your writing and your art, whatever mood, use it as an outlet.
Sending you love ♥

Elaine said...

You've touched my life in more ways than you will ever know.

Please remember that emotions and moods and sadness and despair move with the tides. Tomorrow is ALWAYS another day; it always will be. Sleep when you need to, laugh when you can, cry when you have to but HANG ON. XXX

FlowerLady said...

You are blessed with love and caring from all of your blogging friends.

Don't give up. You are a special, unique, beautiful person.

FlowerLady

Gail said...

It is darkest before the dawn.

My sister always says when these feelings hit, it means you are going to have a break through.

I could be mean and say, Suck it up, cupcake, and get over it! But I won't be mean, get better.

The fact that all this thinking is going on, means you do not want this to happen anyway. Hang in there, call another hotline, google for help. Help is out there!

Connie Rose said...

Ditto to everything said above. You mean something to each one of us, you are a part of our lives, however distant, and we're all here for you however we can be. XOX

Catherine said...

Irene - I do hope you are coming out of this abyss and desolate place you are now finding yourself - it is very tough but please don't give up the fight - do you have the Samaritans in Holland? If so please call them. Even in the UK or Ireland. Maybe the crisis helpline you called is the same thing. They are really good at listening - they aren't judgemental at all but they are great help. Glad you had a good time with your sis and sorry the tel.con. with daughter wasn't ideal. I guess she's too emotionally close to help you in such a crisis. Call your CPN asap. Get admitted to someplace if that helps. Do whatever it takes, but don't quit. Take care,
Catherine.

Ms. Sweet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I think this is a delayed reaction to the anniversary. It didn't turn up on the day because you held it at bay. But obviously it has to come out sometime.

I know how difficult it can be to carry on sometimes. I have very bleak times as well - I'm in one right now where I can't see the point any more.

I know how useless crisis lines are - when you talk to someone you've never met and they trot out all the usual cliches and platitudes.

I also know what it's like to look at your mother being seriously depressed and feel total frustration over not being able to help her. I was in that situation with my own mother. Possibly your daughter is frustrated that she can't seem to do anything to save you from your suffering.

I don't know what it is you need to happen in yourself or in your life to turn things around. Possibly, like me, you find that the bad feelings burn themselves out in the end ... until they come back round again.

It will pass. We both know that. And yes, it will come back round again at some future point. But the times inbetween the crises are longer than the crises themselves, so that is what we have to cling to.

Just rest for now and cuddle your doggie and remember that you have many friends and people who love you.

(((Hugs))) and Love from
Bearfriend xxxx

Nedine Says said...

Nora, Please call your doctor right now and tell them that you are feeling suicidal. You need an impartial clinician to help you sort this out. If you are this depressed you aren't thinking clearly.

pinklea said...

Everyone else has already said much of what I would have said here, but I do want you to know that you matter to me! I wish I could DO something, SAY something that would really help you! But all I can do is to tell you to hang in there, that these feelings will pass, that the sun will come up tomorrow morning, and you will feel better very soon. Sending you much love and positive vibes! xo