Despite my determination to end my life last night, I am still here. I have a full box of sleeping capsules, but there was some question about how many I would be able to take because of my gastric band and I was afraid that I would start throwing them up after a certain amount. So it was a question of logistics. After I would have taken them, there is a sure proof way to make sure you die of them, which I won't explain here. The thing is that the capsules are pretty big and my gastric band opening is very small, so I had a problem there. I couldn't guarantee success, only a botched job and I wasn't about to do that. I've had too many botched attempts already.
I spent the evening with my sister, which helped divert my attention some. I had a highly unsatisfactory phonecall with my daughter and it made me realize that parents shouldn't turn to their children in times of crisis. It's not the child's job to help the parent out of the crisis. Especially not this parent and especially not that child. I'm down enough on myself now that I have no good words for myself, so I'll try not to get into that. My crisis is not over, I feel as bad now as I did yesterday and there is no end in sight. I called the crisis hotline and had a brief conversation with someone there, but it didn't help much. It didn't bring me relief.
I am unable to resolve this and that is why I want a way out. I pray for a pill that will put me to sleep forever. I am so tired of being alive. I just don't know how to do it anymore.
Well. I will take my medicines now and see if they bring me any relief.
I've given up hope for something wonderful to happen. I don't expect it anymore now. There's something seriously wrong with me, because all I see is darkness.