I'm afraid I went through a horrible dip yesterday during which I saw nothing but the bottom of the pit and I thought that I would never be happy again. Then I realized that I had not taken my 6 pm medicines and that it was probably the cause of my grief. It took me a while to get back to normal, but I did eventually and stopped crying and got involved in watching a tv program and then an exciting series and I forgot all about being miserable and soon wasn't anymore. I think the medicine had started to work and I think that my effexor needs to be increased as I seem to need that most. I was near suicidal at one point and certainly didn't feel that way later on and haven't since then.
I think when I get that low I forget everything else that I've ever felt and only know the feelings of that moment and they are all black and I don't see any sparks of light anymore. You could say to me quite logically that I did not feel that way in the morning, but it would not make the least bit of sense to me, as I could only tell you of my despair at the moment and my wish to end it all, however short and intense that feeling might be. Once my medicine starts to work, the sun comes up again and I start to feel other things besides despair and the heavy load gets lightened and I feel relieved and relaxed again. You could say that is nothing but addiction, but I remember having those feelings before I took medicines and being very crippled by them. I hid them very well from the world around me, I thought, but maybe this is not true. I'm sure it's not true and it made a large impact on the upbringing of my children, who turned out well in spite of me.
You see that in reality I lack a certain amount of self assurance and that my self image isn't much to write home about either. I can act tough, but not be it. The tougher I act, the uneasier I stand. If I have a big mouth, it is only to outshout myself.
Well, so much for philosophising. I do get deep sometimes, don't I? It's to calm the waters inside of me that are in turmoil. I have a lot of that going on sometimes.
I'm going to lie on the sofa for a while longer. I took my medicines fifteen minutes ago, half an hour too late. No doubt we're going to get the now famous sadness effect in a while and I want to be asleep when that hits. My duvet should be dry now and I can sleep in my bed tonight.
Have a splendid day all of you.