Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I want to stop being in this drama now. I realize I created it myself, but I did not do it on purpose; it was not my choice. I want it to end and for things to get back to normal, as far as that is possible in my life. I'm aware of the fact that I will never know a "normal" life by regular standards, but I can act as close to it as possible. Or at least try to. I have to give myself a chance to get back on the rails and that includes not rehashing everything every time I turn around. I am wounded, but I'm still alive and I need the opportunity to carry on with things. So, I'm going to ignore emails now that deal with this past weekend and not answer them anymore, because it's just like raking up the coals and starting the fire all over again and very exhausting.

I also want to point out that I have two diagnoses: manic depression and borderline personality disorder, and sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other one begins. Sometimes I don't know if I'm undergoing the rapid cycling of the manic depression or the quick mood changes that belong to the borderline personality disorder. The latter has a lot of drama in her and an overdose of emotions that comes pouring out of her as if her whole house is being flooded. That person is very unstable and things are not good when she has the upper hand. I think she had the upper hand this weekend. That's also the person who self damages as I did this weekend. I cut my wrists, but the knife was dull and I did limited damage.

I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday over the phone. He had gotten the report of the crisis hot line and knew what had happened, but had me tell it in my own words anyway. He agreed on the increase in medication, but said it would take a few days before I would really notice a difference. That's what I thought too. It wouldn't be so that I would take one pill extra and that would be it. He made an appointment to see me next week Monday and I thought that was an awfully long time from now, but I guess it can't be helped. I'm seeing my SPN the day after, because she will be back from her holiday by then.

This is the only time I'm going to talk about the weekend anymore and the aftermath. I went to my GP in the afternoon to have my wrists looked at and they were disinfected and had some strips put on them and they were re-bandaged. They have to stay that way for a week. They are sore.

It's early in the morning and I'm drinking my second cup of coffee. I've had one glass of juice, because despite the fact that I think it makes me sad, I want to get my vitamins in. It's the fresh multivitamin fruit juice that I like so much. The coffee tastes awfully strong this morning. It packs a real punch. I think that's one of the reasons I'm only going to have two cups.

I'm sitting here yawning and I'm really ready to go back to sleep. I will in awhile, after I've taken my medicines. I'm reading a good book called The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields. I've only just started it and I'm already hooked. She has such an engaging way of writing. That's what I'll read this morning before I fall asleep again.

Right, off I go. Have a good morning when you get up.





aims said...

Oh my friend. I wondered why I had not heard from you.

I understand you don't want to rehash everything but sometimes it's good to have a friend who will listen - someone who knows.

Take it easy and go gently through your day.

Thinking of you from way over here.

Twain12 said...

i hope this coming week will look up.Have a good day ♥

red-handed said...

Carol Shields is/was a wonderful writer ... her hometown -- Winnipeg -- was a city I lived in for ten years. It's like another character in her work.

Be *kind* to yourself, which includes finishing her book.

Maggie May said...

Hoping that you are feeling heaps better.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Frances said...

Well done you, Irene.
Look forward and have a good week.


Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I hope you are feeling much more "back to normal" by now. Or as I would say "on an even keel". The calm after the storm. I understand you wanting to just leave it behind you.

Good to enjoy a book. Actually, it's good to enjoy anything. We should try to enjoy whatever moments we can.

Wishing you a peaceful night,

Bearfriend xx

Wisewebwoman said...

You must be exhausted, my friend. I hope you rest up and enjoy Carol, she is one of my favourites, I think I've read all her work.
Stay safe and warm and Tyked.

Bernie said...

Carol Shields is a Canadian author, I always loved her books and Stone Diaries was very good although it has been a few years since I read it.
She has passed away from Breast Cancer, she did live in Winnipeg but her and her husband moved to British Columbia for a several years before she passed.
Enjoy your day and your book.
I hadn't seen this post as it didn't show up on reader....Hugs

Babaloo said...

I'm glad to hear you've decided to get back on track. And coffee and some multivitamin juice is a good place to start! :-)