Sometimes I think the absolute best thing I can do for myself is make a cup of strong coffee that is just hot enough to drink right away and have that settle my mind, especially when it's too early in the morning to take my medicines and I need a little bit of mood altering. A glass of milk is good for the thirst, but it doesn't do much for your latent braincells and doesn't fire up your neurons. So coffee it is and a strong cup of it too. It keeps me on the straight and narrow on the high road.
I woke up tonight after 4 hours of sleep and felt very clearheaded and sane. I was completely calm and relaxed. I don't know if that was the result of the extra Effexor or of the two sleeping pills, but either way, I felt good and not suicidal. I also didn't feel like crying, which was about the first time in 48 hours. Or 36 hours, but who is counting? I saw points of light where I had seen only darkness before and suddenly what seemed so hopeless, now seemed not so desperately futile anymore and even my shortcomings seemed not so awfully bad. They seemed more like excentric behavior that was unique to me and that at least I could live with, if nobody else could. That's the main thing, isn't it? That you can live with yourself?
Of course, the weekend is over now and I'm sure that plays a large role in how I feel. The dreaded weekend, although I don't think I start of thinking about it that way. I used to think of the weekends as a real time out from the hectic pace of the weekdays. Of course, the weekdays have stopped being hectic. I'll have to make them that way again. I'm not going to solve all these problems all at once. First I have to get over this past trauma.
If you're wondering where this turn around came from, you'll have to go to this post here to read about that. Just for right now, I can stop wondering what will become of me. Until I talk to my psychiatrist anyway and maybe longer, until my SPN gets back on the 27th. It's easier now to pretend that nothing is wrong with me at all and that the whole episode didn't happen, but I know it will repeat itself and I have to know what I must do when it will. I wish I could figure it out on my own, but I don't think I will. It's a little bit too complicated for that.
I've finished my second cup of coffee. I think that's all I'll have for now. I really want to take my medicines, but it's a little bit early for that yet. I think I will anyway, because I need them. Then I will go back to bed for a while, because I feel myself caving in like a suddenly cooled soufflé.
I hope you all have a good day when you wake up.