Monday, April 19, 2010

A cup of coffee...

Sometimes I think the absolute best thing I can do for myself is make a cup of strong coffee that is just hot enough to drink right away and have that settle my mind, especially when it's too early in the morning to take my medicines and I need a little bit of mood altering. A glass of milk is good for the thirst, but it doesn't do much for your latent braincells and doesn't fire up your neurons. So coffee it is and a strong cup of it too. It keeps me on the straight and narrow on the high road.

I woke up tonight after 4 hours of sleep and felt very clearheaded and sane. I was completely calm and relaxed. I don't know if that was the result of the extra Effexor or of the two sleeping pills, but either way, I felt good and not suicidal. I also didn't feel like crying, which was about the first time in 48 hours. Or 36 hours, but who is counting? I saw points of light where I had seen only darkness before and suddenly what seemed so hopeless, now seemed not so desperately futile anymore and even my shortcomings seemed not so awfully bad. They seemed more like excentric behavior that was unique to me and that at least I could live with, if nobody else could. That's the main thing, isn't it? That you can live with yourself?

Of course, the weekend is over now and I'm sure that plays a large role in how I feel. The dreaded weekend, although I don't think I start of thinking about it that way. I used to think of the weekends as a real time out from the hectic pace of the weekdays. Of course, the weekdays have stopped being hectic. I'll have to make them that way again. I'm not going to solve all these problems all at once. First I have to get over this past trauma.

If you're wondering where this turn around came from, you'll have to go to this post here to read about that. Just for right now, I can stop wondering what will become of me. Until I talk to my psychiatrist anyway and maybe longer, until my SPN gets back on the 27th. It's easier now to pretend that nothing is wrong with me at all and that the whole episode didn't happen, but I know it will repeat itself and I have to know what I must do when it will. I wish I could figure it out on my own, but I don't think I will. It's a little bit too complicated for that.

I've finished my second cup of coffee. I think that's all I'll have for now. I really want to take my medicines, but it's a little bit early for that yet. I think I will anyway, because I need them. Then I will go back to bed for a while, because I feel myself caving in like a suddenly cooled soufflé.

I hope you all have a good day when you wake up.




Anonymous said...

I'm SO glad that those awful feelings have subsided and that you're feeling better today! Try to keep being kind to yourself, Nora! xo

Bernie said...

So happy you are feeling stronger today, praying for you and that today will be a wonderful day for you.........:-) Hugs

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm so glad your medical support network is on top of all of this.
I thought about you all day, hoping your feelings would ease.
{{{hugs}}} X 1,000,0000

Frances said...

glad you have turned the corner and got yourself back on track.
The feelings can't be controlled, but you can do things to avoid the thoughts and to stop yourself dwelling on them. You did it before and can do it again. That is why your daughter gets upset and that is why your old friends don't feel the same about it.
As you have said before, it is up to you. Staying in and concentrating on your misery is not the best way and you know it and have said so yourself many many times.
When you start getting the negative thoughts you have to move off and do things as you have done before, not encourage them - you are playing a dangerous game when you do that and you know it when you are still in balance.
Anyhow, glad your little storm has passed and love you. Hugs

Twain12 said...

good to read this this morning♥

Anonymous said...


aims said...

OMG! I'm away from my blogging for a couple of days and all hell breaks lose over here!

My dear dear friend. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It makes trying to make a change in your life so futile feeling.

That being said - I have had it happen to me - thinking of how many ways I could end it - right down to the most minute detail - and I'm 8 years into the no-drugs life. It still happens to me if I get really upset. I just can't face the day or life itself.

What I'm saying is I think it is something that we will always go through but at least we have the strength to not do it because we have that spark of hope deep inside of us. That spark of love of life - no matter how bad we feel it is at the moment - we still want to see the other side of it.

I'm so glad you had the presence of mind to call the help line. That was very smart of you and there's one thing I know for sure about you - you are incredibly smart.

They do say that incredibly smart people often are the ones that mental health hits the hardest.

Now - let's try to see what we can do about your weekends. Oh how you used to love them! You looked forward to them so much!

Can you see if there are art classes going on at a library somewhere or out on the street - where you and Von like to have coffee. Could you take your paints and paper and go out and sit and draw with little Tyke at your feet?

There must be lots to do on a weekend - even for a person alone. Put yourself not right in the middle of the crowd but off to the side quite a bit. Then you won't feel so lonely. Do you think you could do something like that or is it too much?

You have to start looking forward to weekends again. Let's work on it together - okay? Perhaps I can help from over here.

Again my friend - I'm sorry I've been away and not here when you really needed me. Plus - you were supposed to email me if things got really bad - remember? And NO! You're not burdening me with your problems. That's what friends are for.

And you are my friend.

Babaloo said...

I'm SO relieved that you're feeling better. I'm sure the extra meds helped.
You're right, you can't let weekends become more than they are, 2 days out from your normal schedule. Nothing more, nothing less.

Hope your day progressed as well as it started. XOX

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. So great to wake up feeling better. It's sort of like a miracle when that happens - and it's difficult to understand how there can have been such a turn around. To go from such a state of mind to a completely different one in just a few hours.

At least your support did work to help you get through it. They made the right suggestion and it seems to have helped.

I think you have a good point about trying to make the week days busier and so that weekends are a welcome rest. It seems like a long time since you did any art classes or anything like that. Maybe it's time to look at the possibilities?

Hope you're having a good night.
Bearfriend xxxx