Saturday, April 17, 2010

Actually...

It's much harder to live through Saturday than it is to live through Friday or Thursday or any other weekday, and it will be tough to live through Sunday too. I feel like the emptiness of the day is suffocating me and squeezing me shut and that the silence will drive me mad. It will only be worse tomorrow, when there will be even less life in the streets.

That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn't it? I guess I'm trying to get my point across without seeming too pitiful, but at the risk of sounding that way anyway. I feel an enormous loneliness and I can hardly bear the company of myself. In a little while I'll take Tyke out for another walk and hope that brings some relief to my restlessness and feelings of doom.

Yes, that's quite a different tune than I sang this morning, isn't it? I was still full of optimism then that I've seemed to have lost along the way. If this is going to be the story of my life, I don't want to live it anymore. All those lonely weekends. I'd rather take a pill to end it all. What's the worth of my weekdays if it ends up in all those lonely weekends? What's the sense of it? I don't see the point.

I don't think I was ever supposed to be a lonely person. I always imagined myself surrounded by my family. It is hard to be a woman on your own. It is a very lonely existence. It is not easy for me to make friends here. That seems to be an enormous stumbling block. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel that I go through the motions, but that I will never reach my goal. I feel invisible and unimportant and as if I don't matter one tiny little bit. My whole existence is totally insignificant to anybody.

Well, that's a huge pity party I'm having, but unfortunately it's what I really believe. I would like to once and for always make the decision and step out of life. Get it over and done with. I don't believe that my life is so sacred that I need to hang on to it at all costs. I can see the arguments to end it much clearer than the arguments to keep it. I'm regularly running out of courage to keep going and it wears me out. I don't want to grow old and lonely and I'm doing it now.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to reach the solution. Yes, I do, but I want to do it properly, without drama. I need help.

I'm going to take Tyke for a walk now and look at the flowers. That ought to cheer me up.

Ciao,
Nora

14 comments:

Ms. Sweet said...
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Ms. Sweet said...
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pinklea said...

My mom has exactly the same feelings about weekends as you do: she hates them. She tells me that she can keep busy and cope quite well during the week, but the weekends have been terrible and lonely for her for years (even while my dad was still around). And this is despite her grand-daughter and I living pretty much within walking distance! It must have something to do with society's expectations for a weekend: you've worked hard at whatever during the week, so you're supposed to relax and hang out with friends or family on Saturdays and Sundays. At an early age, we learn that if we're not having the time of our life on a weekend, there's something seriously wrong! But THAT's wrong. How can anybody measure up to an arbitrary, impossible standard all the time?

Anyway, knowing all that intellectually doesn't change the feelings you're having, does it? It doesn't for my mom, who still struggles with them as much as ever. But I do think my visits and phone calls might help a bit, so I hope your daughter and grandson can come for a visit sometime soon (after the airspace over Europe is opened again, that is! Stupid volcanic ash!) xo

FlowerLady said...

Dear Nora ~ Your post touches my heart.

I thought of a blog post I read the other day that also touched my heart.

May it touch yours.

http://messythrillinglife.blogspot.com/2010/04/artist.html

Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady

FlowerLady said...

Nora ~ The whole blog address didn't come out in the post.

It ends with html, not just an h.

FlowerLady

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I always think Saturdays are not so great. Town is ridiculously crowded so I never go there on Sat. And there's nothing on the TV. I never see anyone on a Sat.

Strangely I have been thinking of ending it as well today. I'm not sure why I feel so bad today - but it's probably because I've spent the week in company most of the time, and then today - nothing.

I'm glad your daughter has left you a message. You do have family who are thinking about you - although they are a long way away. And it seems you have an invite!

Bearfriend xx

Frances said...

Ms Sweet is right. you have family who love you and looking at flowers is much nicer than doing silly things and hurting yourself and others. HUGS

Bernie said...

Oh Nora I am so sorry you are having such a sad day....I am happy your daughter loves you and wants time with you....at least you know you are wanted and loved! How good is that? I don't like the weekends either but they are what they are, I always try to make plans for the weekends so I won't feel lonely but having been sick lately I find myself with no plans, I have a friend coming over for coffee and that helps.
I hope you enjoyed your walk with Tyke, do you have someone to call to visit for a cup of coffee...please don't be doing something that will hurt youself not to mention your daughter and grandchild......big hugs :-)

Twain12 said...

i hope your walk cheered you up a bid . I'm so sorry you are having a bad day but like everybody here said maybe a visit with your daughter is in order. Sending you love♥

Gail said...

I come to visit and your talking this shit!!!

We all love you and sending warm happy thoughts your way.

Wisewebwoman said...

Yes weekends can be very lonely Nora dear. I'm so sorry you are having difficulty making friends. Is there a weekend art group you could join or something else, book club perhaps. Anything to get you up and out the door. Plse check that out or a newcomers club you could help with or a soup kitchen.
Don't forget also that 16th has just come and this is a very bad time of the year for you. Tomorrow will be better. I promise.
{{{hugs}}}
XO
WWW

Babaloo said...

I actually had the same thoughts as Gail - I go away for a few days (not literally) and what's going on here?! Where did this come from? You know full well that your existence is not insignificant, that's not you talking, that's some chemical imbalance. And you know it. I'm going to go straight to your next post, hoping you sorted something out for yourself. You know there's people everywhere willing to help and listen, you just need to reach out. xxx

Catherine said...

Hi Irene - hope you are feeling a bit better now and realise you have family who care about you and virtual friends in the blogosphere who do care about you and don't want you to suffer any harm. I haven't been here for a while reading blogs as so much has been going on and I have very little free time, even rarely blog now, only once or twice a week at most. Keep the chin up and the spirits too - you are needed and loved and you must tell yourself that.
All good wishes, Catherine

Catherine said...

Hi Irene - hope you are feeling a bit better now and realise you have family who care about you and virtual friends in the blogosphere who do care about you and don't want you to suffer any harm. I haven't been here for a while reading blogs as so much has been going on and I have very little free time, even rarely blog now, only once or twice a week at most. Keep the chin up and the spirits too - you are needed and loved and you must tell yourself that.
All good wishes, Catherine