It's much harder to live through Saturday than it is to live through Friday or Thursday or any other weekday, and it will be tough to live through Sunday too. I feel like the emptiness of the day is suffocating me and squeezing me shut and that the silence will drive me mad. It will only be worse tomorrow, when there will be even less life in the streets.
That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn't it? I guess I'm trying to get my point across without seeming too pitiful, but at the risk of sounding that way anyway. I feel an enormous loneliness and I can hardly bear the company of myself. In a little while I'll take Tyke out for another walk and hope that brings some relief to my restlessness and feelings of doom.
Yes, that's quite a different tune than I sang this morning, isn't it? I was still full of optimism then that I've seemed to have lost along the way. If this is going to be the story of my life, I don't want to live it anymore. All those lonely weekends. I'd rather take a pill to end it all. What's the worth of my weekdays if it ends up in all those lonely weekends? What's the sense of it? I don't see the point.
I don't think I was ever supposed to be a lonely person. I always imagined myself surrounded by my family. It is hard to be a woman on your own. It is a very lonely existence. It is not easy for me to make friends here. That seems to be an enormous stumbling block. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel that I go through the motions, but that I will never reach my goal. I feel invisible and unimportant and as if I don't matter one tiny little bit. My whole existence is totally insignificant to anybody.
Well, that's a huge pity party I'm having, but unfortunately it's what I really believe. I would like to once and for always make the decision and step out of life. Get it over and done with. I don't believe that my life is so sacred that I need to hang on to it at all costs. I can see the arguments to end it much clearer than the arguments to keep it. I'm regularly running out of courage to keep going and it wears me out. I don't want to grow old and lonely and I'm doing it now.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to reach the solution. Yes, I do, but I want to do it properly, without drama. I need help.
I'm going to take Tyke for a walk now and look at the flowers. That ought to cheer me up.