I'm so tired of the battle. This afternoon I called the crisis hot line for the third time this weekend and asked them please to help me. I asked them to do something about my medication. After a long consultation with a psychiatrist they called me back and said for me to take an extra Effexor, which I did. The crisis hot line can look into your electronic dossier and see your digested history, so they know up to a point what they're dealing with. They ask you a lot of careful questions nevertheless. I was so worn out, I had no fight left in me. I just wanted help.
This morning I had coffee with my sister in her garden. She set me straight on a few things. They were very painful to hear and all I could think is that they made my situation look even more hopeless and that is was even more reason to end my life. We walked the dogs after that, but when I got home, I called the hot line. Luckily, I got a very nice woman on the line who took me seriously and who really listened and tried to come up with answers.
This afternoon my friend Yvonne came over and made me chicken soup with fresh vegetables. She knows me only as a cheerful person. She greatly diverted my attention, but when she left, it was back to reality and I called the hot line again. When I am on my own I cry a lot. I just sit and cry and use up one paper towel after the other. There's no end to my tears, or there did not seem to be. Maybe they have ended now. Maybe I'm too worn out to cry anymore.
I got the same woman on the hot line as I got this morning. She was an SPN. They are making a report about this weekend to send to my psychiatrist to have tomorrow morning. He is supposed to call me at 10 o'clock.
I regret blogging about all of this. Radio silence would have been better. I was overly emotional and quite beside myself, which pulled all of you along in my wake. I got too many comments and I can't answer them all. It would be reliving the thing all over again. But I can't pretend it didn't happen. The damage has been done. I don't know how to resolve it yet, but somehow I have to deal with it. It's very painful. I'm not out of the woods yet.
I'm going to take an extra sleeping pill and go to bed.