Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

A bright blue sky...

I woke up to a bright blue sky, but in the short time that I've been up, clouds have started to move in from the west. The sun is still shining, but I'm worried about those clouds and what they may hold. I hope it doesn't mean more rain.

I slept well enough, even though I went to bed late. That was due to my long afternoon nap, which rested me a little bit too well. Nevertheless, I fell sleep quickly and had interesting dreams about a house that I was adding rooms to and about a feral cat that had a kitten that was tame. Both the feral cat and the kitten were very beautiful and I had the feeling that the kitten was a clone of the mother. They looked exactly alike. An immaculate conception maybe.

I dream about the house regularly and every time I do, I add a room to it, never in the same architectural design and all with different views from the windows. I have to work out such things as where the doors and the stairways go and what to put on the floors and where to put the furniture. These are always very satisfying dreams and I'm sure they are very symbolic to my life. I'm sure I've mentioned this before and I'm repeating myself, but maybe it is news to some of you.

I just took Tyke for a walk and saw that there were clouds all over the place and it is chilly outside. I didn't get dressed, but put on my denim jacket over my pajamas, which look like lounge wear. I've never done that before, but I wasn't in the mood to get dressed. I was so comfortable in what I was wearing and I figured I wouldn't meet anyone anyway. Well, I hardly met anyone and I don't think they noticed, because I didn't notice what they were wearing. Now I'm sitting here nice and cozy again and I won't have to get dressed for a few hours. I will always take into account from now on when I buy pajamas, how they will look when I wear them outside. I could just buy sweat pants and a sweat shirt, of course.

I'm glad today is Sunday and I'll be doing chores that will give some purpose to the day. I don't have that many to do, but they will keep me busy for a while. I see things that need to get done all the time, but then have to remember that I do have domestic help and that they have to do some of the work too. I don't want to get over optimistic and start doing all sorts of jobs and find out down the line that I can't keep up with them. That would just be my kind of bad luck, although I shouldn't say that. In spite of everything, I don't really have bad luck, because something always works out. I have good luck in bad times, let's put it that way.

This month it is two years ago since the Exfactor and I separated. It seems like it was much longer. It feels like I have been single for a long time. I have never really regretted it. I have been lonely at times and I have missed him, but for the most part it has been a good thing and I have been a lot healthier on my own. It has forced me to face my issues by myself and that has been a lot better. Adding an intimate relationship to the equation only complicated things. I can't handle another person's issues along side my own. Personalities clash and needs get in the way. Now I only have to worry about my own needs and idiosyncrasies. They don't reverberate off the other person's. It's much simpler. Our divorce was final in October. I must look up the date and enter it in my agenda. It will be a good one to remember. The day I was emancipated.

First we have the summer, which so far is not looking very promising, although I have to remember that it is still springtime. Even so, it's not been a very good springtime. It's been cold and I've had the heater on often. The lack of sunshine is making my eczema act up and I'll have to get the ointment out. It was just getting better. The tan lines on my feet are still barely there.

It's time to get some work done. Duty does call. I wish you all a good day and good weather.

Ciao,
Nora

I sang the blues.

I had the blues all weekend and basically did nothing much but take naps on the sofa. I had the computer turned off for long periods of time and fell asleep on the sofa continually watching sports, either football or speed skating. Every once in a while there was a program on that caught my attention and for which I managed to stay awake, but mostly I slept and when I say I had the blues, I mean I really didn't feel like doing anything at all. I even thought about giving up blogging. My own mind was trying to trick me into thinking that nothing I did had any value at all and that I might as well quit doing anything and just play dead.

I never write that I'm having the blues while I'm having them, because it would mean that I'm giving into them and I don't want to do that, so yesterday I was incapable of writing a post. I would have written one lament after the other and it would have been a very depressing piece of writing. Yesterday, I decided, was a lost day and I don't mourn for it one bit. Apparently I needed a large time out of doing absolutely nothing and I wasted almost every minute of it. I did a few useful things such as walk the dog and put out the trash, but that is about it.

I am very busy while I sleep at night. I have the most interesting dreams in which I work out all sorts of issues from my past having to do with all sorts of people that belong there.They are not bad dreams, but like whole movies that take place in my head and very intricate and I'm sorry when I wake up and the dream stops. I try to go back to sleep and land in the dream where I left off. I'm constantly redeemed in my dreams and very happy and I'm always setting things right and making pleasant discoveries and all the symbolism is clear to me. I feel very lucky when I dream like this and it makes going to sleep a pleasure.

Now, however, it is Monday morning and time to get into the regular rhythm of life again. I have creative therapy this morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN this afternoon. For creative therapy, I think I will get the painting that I'm working on on Wednesdays and work on it today, otherwise I will not get it done on time. I will start a smaller project on Wednesdays and work on the painting on Mondays and Fridays. All the classes stop on December the 1st or thereabouts. It's a shame, but that's the way it is. There's nothing anyone can do to change it. Upper management decides these things. It's a terrible thing when management, instead of health carers, decides the course of things for patients.

My dog is so sweet, the way he is lying at my feet, so innocent in his sleep. It makes your heart melt just to look at him. I can get so sentimental about him. Thank goodness that I allow myself to get sentimental about something. I so very rarely do nowadays. That's why, when you live alone, you need an animal in your life. It's really good for those stray feelings of love and affection and it's good to be responsible for something beside yourself.

Lately I've been listening to music again. I've been using the Real Player on which I have stored all of my own music. It's handy, because I just play whatever music I'm in the mood for and I have all kinds. I also have music that I loaned from the library, so I have extra choice. I have good speakers to go with the computer so it really is a pleasure to listen to it. I must say, that when it comes to material things, I came through the divorce well, because I got to keep almost everything and what I didn't, I don't miss. In the meantime, The Exfactor has managed to replace all the items he left behind and then some. I would have really missed the computer if I hadn't been able to keep it and the Exfactor has a laptop and a PC now.

I was very lucky in that we had just refurbished the living room and everything was new or repainted and when I imagine that while we were doing this the Exfactor was having an affair, I have to laugh, because that explains the reason why he was so co-operative. If I hadn't been so naive I would have figured it out sooner. Oh well, water under the bridge now. In the end I did and that's the most important thing. I did get a nice living room and that is important to me. I mustn't think about it being left undone and having to fix it up all by myself. Horrors!

I remember when the Exfactor officially left and I walked through the apartment and touched everything and said to myself, "This is mine now, all mine." It was especially important to get my own name on the mailbox and I'll never forget the day that it was. Those were very special moments. It was my emancipation and for the first time in my life I was really free. I do have the Exfactor and his affair to thank for that. He did me no small favor. For as badly shaken up as I was at first, I sure took it well when it came down to divorcing him. That was one of the best things I ever did. The liberation of me. And I got to keep the dog too!

Well, it's time to get the day started. I have to feed the dog and walk him and do numerous other things. At least the blues are gone now.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

A new look...

Yes, you will think you have arrived on someone else's page, but you really are in the right place. I was tired of my old look and wanted something radically different and chose this, because I liked the font and the plainness of the page. Right now I like having no picture and just the title and the simple dots. Sometimes I want change, because I get tired of what I always look at and I need something new to invigorate me. Blogger doesn't have many templates to choose from and this is the best one I could come up with. I think it will do nicely.

I have been up most of the night. I woke up very early and had no sleep left in me. There was no sense in staying in bed, because all I would do is lay there and think about stuff that would bother me, such as my past sins and other evils. No, I'm joking, but only partly so. I don't know what would happen if I laid awake in bed at night, because I never do. I avoid that at all costs. In the past I used to think about very sad things, but I haven't given myself the opportunity to do that in a long time, because I get up the minute I wake up and I don't go back to bed until I'm literally keeling over from sleep.

Past sins are the thoughts that come and haunt you in the middle of the night when your defenses are down and when you are at your most helpless and not able to fight a good fight and resist the harshness of your most cruel memories. And everything you think is tainted by the deepest color black and honed to the sharpest cut to make the deepest wounds. It's an onslaught of negative memories that make you cower under the covers and want to hide your whole being in shame.

The worst thing you can do is lay there like a helpless victim and let it wash all over you. My tactic is to get up and escape the darkness and the thoughts and to find the light and some distraction for my mind. Now I've gotten to the point where the negative thoughts don't even have a chance to enter my head, but I open my eyes and am beside my bed and the next second I am in the living room with the lights on and then in the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and to light a cigarette. Immediately my thoughts turn to the upcoming day and the things I will do in it and how exciting those will be, no matter how small and simple, and I don't spend a moment pondering over my past and the "evil" deeds I've committed in it.

You can either forgive yourself or put your deeds in the context of the time and place and circumstances in which they happened and learn to live with them and I think I have done the latter. It was not so much a question of forgiveness as of understanding. The understanding it takes to only take your share of the responsibility and not a portion more than that. To leave the rest for the other people involved, whether they accept it or not. You can't make people accept their responsibility, you can only take on that bit of it that is your own and learn to live with that.

It can be infuriating to see how people avoid taking the blame in a drama in which they played a major role and in which they had many of the most important scenes, even after you left and they continued to star in their version of the story. In the end, you can only feel pity for them, because as you grow and gain understanding and insight and wisdom, they stagnate and flounder in their repetitive motions and scripts and scenarios, bound to make the same mistakes over and over again. Not that you are suddenly faultless, but at least you try to improve and discover somebody else than who you were when it wasn't working.

Life seems to be a long journey leading up to graduate school. I am now studying for my master's degree in living well. Which is the best revenge, isn't it? Living well is the best revenge.

Now, I'm not claiming that I'm living the optimal life, far from it. I have a way to go yet. There are many things I'm not doing yet, adventures I'm not having, chances I'm not taking, places I'm not visiting. journeys I'm not making. But it will all come in its own sweet time. I'm playing it safe right now. Exploring minimal ground, just base camp and its immediate surroundings. I'm not going anywhere where I can't retreat quickly inside the walls of my apartment. Even more so now that I'm single and this place is so dear to me.

I should add, for all clarity, that what I talked about here is not my second marriage, but my life in the States that lasted 22 years and that was a very important time during which I had two children, a house, 2 cars, a dog, a cat, many friends, a husband, and a heartache. I have divorced that husband, remarried, left the States, lost my son, and gotten divorced again. Now I am single like I ought to be. Finally, I'm on my own. A single, solitary human being. Autonomous and independent and not yet lonely.

Ciao,
Nora

...mais il nést pas important.

This morning I weigh 96.3 kilos, so I have lost half a kilo, which satisfies me well. Half a kilo is 1.1 lbs. Finally there is some downward movement again after having been stuck on the same weight for a few days. I was starting to doubt the bathroom scale, but I need not have despaired.

The alarm clock woke me up at 8:48 am after it had been on since 7 am, so that is not a success. I am going to take it back to the store and use the alarm clock that I use to remind me to take my medicines at 6 pm. It has another alarm time that I can set for 7 am. I had not thought of this before and I thought it would be pleasant to be woken by the radio, but I'm not.

I got up for a while, but then felt the need to go back to bed and slept for another four hours and when I woke up I felt very good and refreshed. My mood was excellent. Sleep is my magic formula for all that ails me. Whatever bothers me, is wiped away by sleep.

Now I'm still in my pajamas and I have opened the back door so the dog can come and go as he pleases, because I don't feel like getting dressed today and taking him for a walk. The smell of some very strong blossoms is entering the apartment. There must be something blooming nearby. I know it's a particular kind of tree, but I can't think of the name right now.

It has been raining a bit, it seems, because the streets are wet, but I have not even noticed it. It must have just been a drizzle, because I didn't hear it come down. It's only 12 degrees Celsius outside, so not very warm. I don't mind it one bit and feel very cozy inside the apartment in my pajamas and bathrobe with the lights on. It's a real day for cocooning. All that's missing is hot chocolate, but that would be fattening.

My bed is so comfortable to lie down in. Of course, it's the room that does it. I feel so much better at ease there. I can't wait to put down some more sculptures on the shelves and hang up more collages on the walls. Shortage of money is now preventing me from buying the frames, but soon I will be able to. I'll pick out the prettiest collages I've made and adorn the walls with them and enjoy looking at them every day.

The plants I had over watered have stopped dropping their leaves and are now filling out again. There is a lot of new growth on the top and I will now only water them a little bit with the watering can instead of giving them a dowsing in the kitchen sink. They obviously don't like that. That shows your intentions can be too good too.

The hardy fern is doing better by the window and has gotten a whole new leave, but I need to cut out some that have brown edges from standing in the dark too much. Those are the little errors you make when you bring a plant home with you. You have to find out how much water they want and how much sunshine. I'm bound and determined to keep them alive, though, because dead and dying plants are a sign of depression and I don't want to go that way, although I had a minor depression not too long ago.

I have been hypomanic a few times, but the episodes didn't last very long and I was aware of them. A change in medication took care of them quick enough, I haven't been out and out hypomanic since last year in the summer when I was it for weeks continually. I think it was due to the circumstances too then. I was right in the middle of getting a divorce and thought the whole thing was just short of wonderful. I always left the lawyer's office higher than a kite. For the lawyer it must have been the easiest divorce she ever handled. I was sitting there bright eyed and bushy tailed and the Exfactor just went along with everything. We were always in a good mood there, but that may have been my point of view.

The worst case scenarios may bring out the best in me.

Well, the sun has come out at last and the birds have started to chirp cheerfully. I don't like it one bit. I liked the other weather better. The cocooning weather. I'm going to wish for the rain that's still predicted. I liked that a lot better. So cozy and safe inside.

Have a good Sunday evening, may are your ailments be little ones. You know who I mean.

Ciao...

One for the road.

Well, I managed to do it again. I fell asleep while watching the news and just woke up. I was gone from this world, as they say, and oblivious of everything. I may as well have been drugged and knocked out for all I know. Comatose is a word that comes close. I think a small horde of people could have entered the apartment and emptied it of nearly everything but the sofa and I wouldn't have known about it. They might even have been able to move the sofa with me on it.

My sister and I took the dogs for a brisk walk at noontime. It was near freezing, but the sun was shining and it was nice as long as you didn't walk in any shady areas. Still, I should have worn my gloves and alternately put one hand in a pocket. A walk is just long enough for my sister to tell me all that's going on in her life and I listen and make the odd remark and comment. I tell you, I'm a good listening post. In my next life I'm coming back as a therapist.

It's always been my job in this life to be a listener to people and to be patient and to absorb whatever is said to me without becoming overloaded. I seem to have that sort of attraction to people because I don't judge. I just listen and try to understand and not condemn them. It's always been that way and grew even more so when I gained psychological insight and started to understand the motivations of people, but I have always had this patience to listen and calm people down. Having had complex parents probably prepared me for that role.

It gives me the appearance of being very competent, when in fact I am not always. People have high expectations of me, because I seem to have a lot of knowledge. Nobody knows that I sometimes survive by the skin of my teeth and that understanding and logic applied to other people's lives, doesn't mean you can always apply it to your own life. On the contrary, I come up short often when it comes to dealing with my own problems, although I must say that there has been a vast improvement these past eight months since I've been single.

That's a funny thing. When there is nobody else in your life to muddy the waters and to muddle your thoughts, it is amazing how quickly you can put your finger on the sore spot and come up with the right solution. You get to the point where you want to be much faster. When left to your own devices, it turns out that you are more ingenious than you thought you were and far less helpless. When faced with an immediate problem, you have to figure it out on your own and reason it out in your own head without any outside help and you get it done quicker and better.

It makes you wonder how much of sharing the load is really true when you are in a partnership. I wonder how much help the other person really is in soothing your fears and worries. In helping meet them head on. I think in my case I've never found the person that really made things better and easier. It may have seemed so at the time, but looking back now, I am convinced that it wasn't. Looking back, I see that all the so called 'help' was only a prolongation of the problems and that there was never a solution or a teaming up together to eradicate the difficulties.

It's made me very weary of relationships, for me in particular and those of other people in general. All I see is the potential dysfunction of them. I think you have to be very healthy to have a good relationship. Or agree to the degree of your dysfunction and the seriousness of it. Now that I'm single, I feel that I've escaped from some terrible fate and I would never willingly go back and take that relationship up again.

At this point, I think I will stay single, because I like it too much to give it up and I do not feel the desire to share my life with anyone. I don't miss there being a person in my life that is always hovering in the background. Right now, I don't think I am generous enough to share myself with anyone else. I am too greedy of what is mine.

I have been married twice and both times it ended in a divorce, although the marriages were very different and so were the husbands. In between those two marriages, I had a serious relationship that was also very dysfunctional. I don't have a very good track record up to now. I think it is more important that I learn to live with myself than that I learn to live with somebody else. At this point, that's the most important thing and, oh yes, the fact that I get along well with the Überhund is very important too. Hee, hee.

Well, so much for philosophizing. It is late and I will go to bed and sleep for a while. I hope for a long while.

See you tomorrow morning.

Ciao...

On my own again.

Well, I am alone again after enjoying Joost's company for 2 days and I have to say that it did me a lot of good and that suddenly The Exfactor has shrunk a bit in dignity and respect in comparison to Joost's good and upright character. The man who would literally not hurt a fly. I was very tempted to proposition Joost to have a 'living apart together relationship', but then I was worried about destroying our good friendship, so I did no such thing. We have such an easy camaraderie that I would hate to loose that by propositioning him with an idea that could not be further from his mind.

But being around him opened my eyes to some thing. Basically what it is to be with a good and decent human being who does not play a game and who is completely upright and honest, almost innocent in his approach to the world and the people in it. And who is so gentle and careful around other people and so respectful of them, it amazes me. No matter what kind of dysfunctional person you turn out to be, he keeps on giving you friendship and respect.

Well, I'm impressed, more so than other times when I had to share him with The Exfactor and had less time to spend alone with him. The Exfactor is so dominantly present that other people don't get noticed as much.

I shouldn't speak ill of the Exfactor, but only speak positively of Joost. I suppose I saw him through new eyes this weekend. That's good, that's eye opening to me and it makes me a stronger person than I was before, because I know something now.

Anyway, Joost said he would be back at Christmas time, so that won't be too long.

We spent half the day in our pajamas talking politics and didn't get dressed until noon, when we had to walk the Überhund. It wasn't cold out and there was a brisk wind blowing the last of the leaves off the trees. The Überhund skipped and jumped around as if he was on an outing. He plum wore himself out. I made grilled cheese sandwiches when we got back, but was only able to eat half of one, much to my chagrin. I made them with young aged cheese and they were the best.

I got another dip in the afternoon, but this time at 2 PM, because of the time change. I told Joost about it and he helped me through it in his unobtrusive way. I didn't have to outperform myself, but could just be my downcast self and partake of the conversation that way. What I really wanted to do was go to sleep, but I felt I couldn't do that.

On another note, our marriage and divorce had to be registered in The Hague, because we had been married overseas and that was the last obstacle to make it all legal. I got notice in the mail yesterday that this has been done now, so all the legalities have been taken care of and I am now truly an unmarried woman.

I am going to put my pajamas on now and my bathrobe and curl up on the sofa and watch some dumb TV. That's what I am in the mood for. Maybe I'll eat something nice, if I can find it.

Ciao...

Peace and Serenity

I have made my peace with the Exfactor and told him so in an email I sent him late last night. I would much rather have him as a very good friend, than as an ex-husband I harbor lingering feelings of love for and therefor can not have in my life. I would miss him tremendously as a person I can talk to about whatever plays in my head and the short to the point answers he gives me to help me resolve issues.

I think I found myself in a bit of a quandary because of my reaction to the divorce decree. I had not quite expected to be that emotional about it and take it to heart so. It was a bitter pill I had to swallow, but I have swallowed it now and have tasted the bitter aftermath and now I am ready to move on. As the only adult in the apartment, I do have to keep my wits about me.

As a result of my email, and to show his obvious relief, the Exfactor was here early this morning to bring me the 6 soup bowls that he did not like, but which I have use for. We got all straightened out over several cups of coffee and are on comfortable footing again. It is a great relief to me too. I would miss his cheerful presence in my life.

In the meantime, the cats are slowly learning to like their new cat food, although I catch Nouri eating the best bits out of the Überhund's dog food. Any minute now she is going to start barking and that will get her on the regional TV channel.

There is a cat two streets over who looks exactly like Nouri, with the exact same coloring and the same blue eyes. When I saw her first, I thought it was Nouri who had gone wandering, but it was not. Those people must have gotten their cat from the exact same place where we got Nouri, since Nouri is such an unusual cat. She is half Siamese. We got her at a pet shop in Belgium, which is the worst kind of place to get a pet and which I will never do again, because the animals there come from bad breeding places and are sick when you buy them, but you don't know that until you get them home.

If I ever were to get a cat again, I wouldn't get a kitten, but adopt a fully grown cat from the animal shelter. There are enough of them sitting there needing a good home.

I have to go grocery shopping, which I never got around to doing yesterday and even now I am putting it off. It is going to be busy there, because it is Saturday and lots of working people will be doing their weekly shopping. Leave it to me to wait until today to do mine. Bad timing.

I have been feeling like staying snugly at home and only going out to walk the Überhund and I think that is because Autumn is in the air and I feel like hunkering down and being cozy inside, but the weather has been beautiful these past few days and it feels like an Indian Summer and I should go out as much as possible and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine.

Would anyone care to come over and vacuum? It is such a chore and I so do not feel like doing it. Sometimes I really don't like the sound of the vacuum cleaner. It feels very intrusive and loud and I think I ought not to be making so much noise. I keep putting it off and doing other important things, such as sitting by the dining table and looking out the window while I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and ponder little and big questions. Mostly about not very important things, because I am much too lazy to.

I feel my whole being slowing down for wintertime. Not in unhappiness, but in laziness and I only want to do things that are pleasant and comforting. The only things I still enjoy doing are the dishes and the laundry, because I get such satisfaction out of them and they are relatively soothing activities. Especially hanging up the laundry to dry and seeing that it got really clean. Oh yes, and changing the bed, I like that too. Sleeping under a clean duvet cover, mmm...good.

I must be very connected to the earth and the seasons, because I always seem to react to them very strongly. I hibernate along with nature. I go down when the sun goes down, or just about. When everything disappears under the ground, that's where I want to disappear also. Which Goddess is it who goes to the underworld in the wintertime? Persephone, that's right, and her mother Demeter allows the world to become barren. Well, barren I am then, what do you say? Barren of thought and action? Or is it really not that bad?

It is no wonder that our ancient ancestors revered he evergreen, the tree that stayed green during the winter. When I decorate a Christmas tree during that season, I always do it with that thought in mind and not the Christian idea of the birth of Christ, because the one thing has nothing to do with the other. I also like mistletoe and once lived in a place where it could be found in abundance and I decorated the whole house with it, so lots of kisses for me.

I do enjoy the odd pagan ritual, although I only know a few of them, but could find out more about them if I tried. It's just a shame that paganism is associated with witchcraft nowadays and not with humanism as it should be, because they were the rituals of the ordinary people and not some mysterious hocus pocus that was inaccessible to them. In the North East of the country, in the Saxon areas, you still find some pagan customs that are considered very ordinary today. There's no witchcraft involved, it's the people themselves who keep the traditions going.

You see how I go from one subject to the next and you get some idea of how my mind works, I have a broad base of interests and subjects to think about. There is never a dull moment in my head. Which reminds me of the fact that I really do need to get a library card.

Well, I think I will slowly get the show on the road. I must walk the Überhund and write a shopping list, so as to not fall into temptation when I visit the store. The main things I am going to get are low fat milk and nonfat yogurt with fruit in it.

Right, have yourself a good day on this lovely weekend and please feel free to come over and vacuum.

Ciao...

How?

How do I tell you about today? It started off as such an ordinary day. I did my chores around the apartment and walked the Überhund and barely managed to eat a slice of bread and then, because the weather was so beautiful, I hatched the plan to go downtown and shop and sit on the terrace of my favorite café.

Because I have discovered the joy of wearing leggings, I wanted to expand my wardrobe with another mini type dress, or something, that had long sleeves and that I would be able to wear a long sleeved stretch T-shirt under. I had a vague idea of what it should look like and hoped I would find something on sale at my favorite shop, which is famous for having continuous sales.

So, I got myself all gussied up and hopped on the buss and rode it into town and got off at the market square, where it was busy with all sorts of traffic and people enjoying the sunshine. Dodging bicycles and scooters, I made it to my store and began my search for the perfect dress, which I then proceeded not to find. Mmm...change tactics, rethink the strategy, opt for something else. I looked around some more and saw a beautiful finely knitted cardigan that was as long as my shortest dress in a dark gray color. Maybe it was my size.

I took it to the dressing room and took of some layers of clothes and tried it on and it fit. Great! It was on sale for 30% off. Now I had to find a long sleeved stretch T-shirt to go underneath it and it was soon found for hardly any money at all on sale in an olive green color. That almost made the outfit perfect, because at the cash register there were leggings on sale in my size for an apple and an egg and I found some gray striped ones. I had the necklace and the mini dress to complete the outfit at home, so I happily paid for my purchases, the total price of which didn't make me blink at all. What a steal.

To celebrate my good fortune, I went to Café Monopole and ordered a cappuccino which came with a cookie and a chocolate and those really filled me up. The terraces everywhere were very crowded, but I managed to find a small table for two, so I called the Exfactor and asked him to join me. He was at his work a 5 minute walk away from there.

He came full of glee and we had two glasses of wine together, which made me a little tipsy, but what the heck, all I had to do was get on the right bus and they are clearly marked.

Anyway, from the conversation we had, it became very clear to me how much in love the Exfactor is with the Paramount and that this is a very serious relationship with a future and everything. Now, if you think that was easy for me to hear, guess again. I kept a very straight and neutral face and made all the appropriate remarks, but I was thinking all sorts of other things and I felt like having a good cry. But I'm a tough broad and I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.

We discussed our divorce party and our upcoming divorce and I was wondering when it would be final, because I thought it should be any day now. The Exfactor was talking about which people he would invite and how he would show the world that he had not left me behind as a poor helpless, downcast and depressed female and that I was doing great. So, that is his purpose for the party. Kind of doesn't want me to have the party anymore.

Anyway, we parted and I took the bus home and when I got home I got the mail from the mailbox and saw that there was a letter from the lawyer. At the same time the phone rang. It was the Exfactor. He asked me if I had read my mail yet, because our divorce decree was in it. I said that I would call him back and opened the envelope and there it was: In the Name of the Queen, we were officially divorced on October the 1st, 2008.

It was very surreal and I didn't know what to think of it. I thought it was kind of shocking and I called back the Exfactor who acted very lackadaisical about it as if it was an announcement about the trash pick up or something. I asked him what he felt, but I don't think he felt a lot. That is the impression I got.

I called both my sisters, but was unable to talk to either one of them about it, because both of them were up to their ears in their own problems, so I cut the conversations short. I needed to talk to someone and my SPN was not in the office. I finally resorted to calling my psychiatrist on his mobile phone and we had a nice and calm discussion about everything and it really helped clear my mind and get some of my sadness out. I felt a 100% better after I talked to him and was back to my old secure self again, the person who knows what to do and how to go about it.

Considering my still lingering feelings for the Exfactor, it is better if I don't lean on him so much and keep a healthy distance between us. We mustn't be too friendly. I must put up some boundaries and clearly draw a line. It really means that he can't be my safe person anymore, because that is too much of an intimate role for him to play in my life. I'll have to take on the responsibility myself or find some other method.

In the meantime, I sure look cute in my new clothes in combination with my dress and necklace. It is all perfect and I wish I had a party to go to so I could show myself off. Never fear, I walk the Überhund and get looked at enough to stroke my ego.

Now I am going to eat some soup, because I am starving. I hope the story I told you was not too boring, but I had to get it off my chest.

Ciao...

Tough Broad Boots.

I couldn't find an exact image of my boots, but this one comes close. I have a bit more metal decoration on the straps, making them look a little bit tougher, I think, but either way, you get an idea of what they look like. They are very comfortable and I put them on in the morning and don't even bother taking them off when I get home like I usually do with my shoes to slip on something more comfortable. They sound tough too when I walk in them and I am even thinking of having the heels reinforced with a little bit of metal, so they won't wear down so quickly.

Anyway, you see how between the spiky hair and the tough boots, I just need to have a leather jacket for my whole image. Someone told me about several second hand clothing stores today where I may find one and they can also be found on the open air market. Wouldn't it be really cool if I got one? It would be so awesome. I need one with a lot of pockets. I am full of excitement.

Today was another ordinary day in the life of this 54 year old. I slept until 7 AM. Can you believe it? That is late for me and didn't give me much time to contemplate my navel, because I had to make cigarettes and walk the Überhund and get dressed and ready to go to my ergo therapy.

I thought about being late and contemplating my navel longer, but I really like to be there on time and spend some time out on the roof deck with the other smokers and drink espressos. It gets me in the proper mood and there is always somebody with a story that is interesting to listen to and you wouldn't believe how normal these people are. If you met them in the street or at a party, you wouldn't know that they were receiving intense therapy and taking medication. They're just an ordinary average slice of the human population. They could be anybody.

Today, 4 of us sat around a large sheet of paper with watercolor crayons and all of us had to draw whatever, but one of us had to try and control our act of drawing and we took turns doing that without speaking. It was very interesting what came out of that and how people interpreted what control is and how to implement it and how you decide to let yourself be controlled by another person. My interpretation of control is total dominance and to rule completely or to not let myself be controlled at all by not even giving the controlling person the chance to do that. So, it is all or nothing with me. Other people have no control over anybody, they just get waltzed over. They are too nice to do it. I am not too nice. Thank goodness, but I am not subtle, I have to learn that. I'm like a Tasmanian Devil and just scrawl that crayon all over the place regardless of who is doing what where.

We talk about these things afterwards and stop and pay attention to how we go about applying those 'skills' in our lives. Survival techniques. We are asked to look at them and see if we can do it differently. Huge lessons are learned.

I think we are way ahead in the game compared to a lot of people in the outside world who just go stumbling along, oblivious of their motivations and their limitations, constantly caught in the same traps. You see some people going through enormous changes.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I see him struggling with the same issues at his work year after year and never reaching any sort of resolution, but always getting upset about them and having them be a big subject of his conversations with me. Unresolved issues will gnaw away at you and leave you very frustrated and stressed, especially if they dominate your thoughts and you seem to have no ability to change them.

The Exfactor did bring his camera and take my picture, even though the light wasn't all that great, but you do get some impression of what I look like now. I must get a camera of my own, it is one of the first things I want to get as soon as I am financially more comfortable. I haven't quite decided what I want to get, but it has to be affordablle, of course. I like the camera that the Exfactor has, but I think I want to get something else. Something a little heftier.

I think it is fine if the Exfactor comes here once a week or so to drink a cup of coffee or two and have a talk with me. It gives me a realistic picture of how he is and not some idealized remebered one that doesn't exist anymore. It's good to see the real Exfactor and to listen to him talk and to know that that is not the person I want to spend my life with ever again. The Exfactor I fell in love with 15 years ago is gone and even the friendship that we had then is not there anymore. We've really grown apart and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

He did think that the idea of the party was a good one, as I invited him too and I said the Paramount could come, but he thought that she would not be comfotable with that, so he would come on his own. I have some people in mind to invite and the idea is slowly taking shape in my head. Maybe we can make it a happy divorce party, because it may just be possible that we will be divorced shortly. I am expecting to get the papers in the mail any day now.

The thing is, that I feel so very much divorced already and I am in all ways except by a formality. I think having my own name back was the clinger and using that on all paperwork now makes it very real and tangible. I really am this person named Irene Sieders and glad of it.

Wel, now I need to go check my bank account balance and see if my subsidies have been deposited yet and if they have, I can go grocery shopping. Luckily, it is almost pay day, but that is always such a fickle event that I never know when exactly to expect it. Don't let anybody ever convince you that it is easy to live on a governmental handout. There is a lot of stress involved. It would be much better to have a fair paying job.

Well, kiddos, make the best of what is left of the day. I think I will grab something to eat and get ready to watch the news after I see if I have any money.

Ciao...