Tuesday, March 03, 2009
A long night.
I have been up since 2 AM. I had all these little worries on my mind that nagged at me like so many mosquitoes swarming around my head and I could not slap them away for fear of hurting myself.
So, I got up and made myself some coffee and went to my page at 6S and wrote a post there and then read a bunch of blog entries by other people, which was a pleasant way to spend the very early hours of the night.
It is now 5 AM and slowly becoming morning. I am ready for a brand new day. Yesterday was not a good day for me, whereas I usually see the glass half full or filled to the top, I saw the glass half empty or damn well drained to the bottom yesterday.
This morning I have an appointment with my SPN and I can talk about this sudden change in attitude and what makes me suddenly stand at the edge of a deep dark hole that I'm trying to avert my eyes from.
Yesterday morning I was struck by anxiety and it became a free floating anxiety that attached itself to everything I did and made it difficult to function well. At the end of the day, I was so stressed out that I could not see my way clear of things and became rather desperate and had a good cry. It didn't quite clear the air, but I know what to do in order to fix the problem. I wrote my SPN an email and hopefully she will have read it before she sees me this morning.
I don't feel this way very often, although feeling anxious used to be a way of life and it fits me like an old comfortable coat. I don't want to wear it anymore, though, and want to throw it away. I know now what it feels like to live without anxiety and, believe me, I prefer that state of mind a hundred fold.
In creative therapy I am working on two collages at a time. I feel pressed for time and trying to accomplish as much as I can. I have cut out all the best images and texts from the art magazines that I had and stuck them in a big envelope. I am working as quickly as I can. On Friday I will add texture to two collages and start a third and maybe a fourth. I am like a mad woman. Nothing can stop me. Fear is driving me onward. Fear of loosing my place.
I must try to relax.
Yesterday afternoon I did a bunch of administrative work. I need to do a lot of paperwork to be exempted from paying city taxes. Today I have to make copies of umpteen pieces of paper to proof all sorts of things and then send them in with the properly filled out form. No mistakes are tolerated. They're very strict.
Well, that's really all I've got to tell for right now. Depending on how things are, I will write more later today.