Tuesday, March 03, 2009

A long night.

I have been up since 2 AM. I had all these little worries on my mind that nagged at me like so many mosquitoes swarming around my head and I could not slap them away for fear of hurting myself.

So, I got up and made myself some coffee and went to my page at 6S and wrote a post there and then read a bunch of blog entries by other people, which was a pleasant way to spend the very early hours of the night.

It is now 5 AM and slowly becoming morning. I am ready for a brand new day. Yesterday was not a good day for me, whereas I usually see the glass half full or filled to the top, I saw the glass half empty or damn well drained to the bottom yesterday.

This morning I have an appointment with my SPN and I can talk about this sudden change in attitude and what makes me suddenly stand at the edge of a deep dark hole that I'm trying to avert my eyes from.

Yesterday morning I was struck by anxiety and it became a free floating anxiety that attached itself to everything I did and made it difficult to function well. At the end of the day, I was so stressed out that I could not see my way clear of things and became rather desperate and had a good cry. It didn't quite clear the air, but I know what to do in order to fix the problem. I wrote my SPN an email and hopefully she will have read it before she sees me this morning.

I don't feel this way very often, although feeling anxious used to be a way of life and it fits me like an old comfortable coat. I don't want to wear it anymore, though, and want to throw it away. I know now what it feels like to live without anxiety and, believe me, I prefer that state of mind a hundred fold.

In creative therapy I am working on two collages at a time. I feel pressed for time and trying to accomplish as much as I can. I have cut out all the best images and texts from the art magazines that I had and stuck them in a big envelope. I am working as quickly as I can. On Friday I will add texture to two collages and start a third and maybe a fourth. I am like a mad woman. Nothing can stop me. Fear is driving me onward. Fear of loosing my place.

I must try to relax.

Yesterday afternoon I did a bunch of administrative work. I need to do a lot of paperwork to be exempted from paying city taxes. Today I have to make copies of umpteen pieces of paper to proof all sorts of things and then send them in with the properly filled out form. No mistakes are tolerated. They're very strict.

Well, that's really all I've got to tell for right now. Depending on how things are, I will write more later today.



Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear that anxiety is filling your day and night. Loosing sleep is only going to add fuel to that generalized anxiety. I'm sure that are lots of subtle triggers, that you tried so hard to push aside and move foward. Yet for some unknown reason, the anxiety seems to always catch up to us. The brain is certainly complex and frustrating. I'm glad you see your SPN tomorrow. Keep that appointment, no matter how tired you are. I wish you peace of mind, my friend.
Your writing is so good, so compelling, you should really consider writing a book. You have a way with words, I'm appreciative that you let us in on parts of your world.

Breakfast in California said...

Sorry you're feeling anxious. Could it be due to your med reduction?

Taxes, ugh. It's that time of year here. Ugh and ugh. Oh, did I say that already?

Maggie May said...

Really sorry that you are having a down turn for some reason or other.
I was also annoyed that something woke me up at 2am but went back to sleep within an hour.

Taxes..... I hate filling in the forms. No room for mistakes here, either.

Hope you get on well with your SPN and that she can do something to help & put your mind at rest. X

Bev said...

I hope the meeting with the SPN is productive. And you have so much experience of managing your feelings with hugely postive outcomes. So between the two of you.....

If I were you I think you are already doing all the right things like being busy and filling your day with activity.

Listening to music often helps me, and I know you listen to it online, as a mini pick-me-up, though obviously if you are feeling very down you need the prfessionals.

Great life enhancing tracks I am listening to:

ZZ Top 'Legs'
Lynyrd Skynyrd 'Sweet Home Alabama'
George Thorogood 'Reelin' & Rockin''
Amy Winehouse 'Valerie'
Oasis 'She's Electric'
Phil Lynott 'Yellow Paper (quite like this for some reason, even though it's about 'The Yellow Peril'. Can't quite figure out what it's all about)

I ought to compile my own album. I notice Top Gear have done this, and it's called 'Sub Zero Driving', and that Phil Lynott is on it. It's certainly a very cool track, whatever it's about:)

Hope you are felling better soon.X

Babaloo said...

Sorry to hear you're struggling. You certainly sound a bit stressed, even in therapy.
Hope your appointment today was fruitful.

Frances said...

first thought, meds. the reduced dosage may be kicking in.
Take care and keep those nightmares at bay.
The casual remark about the therapy not lasting forever may have brought out some insecurity. Hope the SPN has helped to sort it out and that it is chemical, so quickly dealt with.
love and hugs wonderful woman