And then there is sleep...

I had forgotten again how much good sleep does to restore my mind. I was quite distraught last night and my feelings were all over the place. I felt like I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do about it. Luckily, some little voice in me told me to go to bed and I did. It was still rather early and I slept until some time in the middle of the night when I got up again. 

I felt fairly normal then and could think straight again, but toward the morning the stress started building up again and I thought I was going to have another tough day. Fortunately, I had the bright idea to go back to bed where I slept until noontime and I woke up feeling quite refreshed.

I've been up and functioning for a while now and I still feel good, so that is a good sign. As soon as I start to feel the stress build up again, I will go back to sleep because I think I have to catch up on it after so many days of rapd cycling. Right now I won't worry about when I sleep, but that I sleep. That seems to be the most important thing. 

Since it is Sunday today, I will really consider this to be my day off and that also means a day off from worries which have a tendency to stack up in my mind when I'm not in the hypo-manic stage. When I'm not in the stage of denial, but in the stage of doomsday thinking. That's what happens when you go from one extreme to another. You pick apart each little thing and worry it to death, not seeing the forest for the trees anymore. 

The higher being did create this day as a day of rest and I will honor it in that way by leaving a lot of things undone. I will pretend that I can't do a thing about them right now and enjoy the peace and serenity the day can bring. That means I will contemplate my navel and think only wise things. It will be a major time out. 

Whatever happens, I will end up with a nice guest room and it is about time it came about. I have been living with that spare bedroom as a junk room for a long enough time. I'm excited about having a bedroom that I can use for the occasion if someone wants to spend the night. It's been a major drawback not to have that and to always have to apologize for the state of it. 

I'm not too concerned about smoking again. Apparently it's not meant to be that I quit right now. The circumstances make it too difficult. I will have to wait for a better opportunty. My therapist had warned me that it is difficult for bipolar people to quit smoking because of the mood changes. I thought it would be much easier than that and had not anticipated the influence of them. It's spending the money on the tobacco that bothers me the most. 

Because I got up so late, it's halfway through the afternoon now and I think I will get dressed and take the dog for a walk. He has only been out back so far and has been waiting patiently. He is a good dog. 

I hope you all have a good, peaceful Sunday. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Blue Monday...

It was Blue Monday day before yesterday, but I didn't know that until after I had my own version of it. I have a tendency not to believe in those kinds of things if I know about them beforehand, but this time I didn't. 

It's supposed to be the worst day of the year for whatever reason I don't know. The logic of it escapes me. I can testify to the fact that it is true because I had my own horrible day. After having felt good for months, and especially good the last few weeks, I tumbled down into the pit of despair and wanted to be dead. 

Now luckily, this feeling didn't last longer than the Blue Monday was long and I did crawl out of that pit again and by the nighttime I was on my way back up. I didn't end up in a long lasting depression which very easily could have been the case too. Somehow my optimism came shining through and I could not stay long in that misreable place. 

I was bound to stumble and fall after having been in a elevated mood for so long. I could not keep up the pace. Throw in a couple of minor complications and I ran out of steam. Suddenly everything became too much for me and I couldn't see the forest for the trees anymore. I felt completely lost and lonely. It was all in a reaction to what had come before. 

At my lowest point, I wished myself dead, but I soon got over that and started thinking of reasons to live. I didn't reach for extra pills to make myself feel better. That notion didn't even enter my head. I did have a talk with my Higher Being and decided to not to try to force the issue but to leave it up to fate. Then I took a nap because sleep solves a lot.

The next day I was at ease with myself and peaceful again. I was ready to climb back into the saddle with a more realistic point of view. I'm not ready to go on an adventurous rde, I will just move along at a steady pace. Easy does it. I won't go battling windmills. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk enjoying the solitude of the night. I just let the dog out back and outside it's freezing. There's a star filled sky. 

I try to be efficient and self reliable. It's what got me here. 

Ciao,

Nora

Massive cheer up time...

I was good this afternoon and took care of all the paperwork that I had left lying around for some time now. I also visited my bank account to see if I was still solvent and paid some bills. I got the end of year bill from the energy company and am actually getting some money back. Phew, that was a relief. I thanked the Higher Being for that big favor. 

When I was all done with the paperwork, the damage was actually very small and I could put a lot of things in the recycle box. The rest was noted and taken care of and filed. I felt very virtuous for having done it in such a relative short amount of time with such little pain. I had not been a job that I was looking forward to, but it always is much less bad than I think it is going to be. 

Now I won't have to put anything off for a while anymore and I can take care of things as they come in. The fun part about emptying the mailbox right now is the fact that there are Christmas cards in it and not just official mail. That does make it a lot nicer and reminds me that I have to send some myself. The season is sneaking up on me before I'm quite ready. I still have to buy stamps. 

My daughter and her father are going to be here in another nine days and will spend Christmas and New Year's here. I haven't seen her in four years and I'm looking forward to it very much. It's very difficult not to see your own daughter for such a long time. You have to close up a lot of feelings inside your heart. I can let them out for a while shortly. 

I just took the dog for a walk in the cold, windy evening air. It was not a great pleasure to be out there, but we survived it anyway. I think the dog minded it less than I did. I should have worn a hat because my head was very cold, but then I thought about 'hat hair.' That's so unbecoming that I decided to be cold instead. I am a vain enough woman not to want to look ridiculous. Even if it is dark outside and nobody will see me and no one will see me when I get home. 

I haven't watched the news tonight. It seems that the stories on the news are all very negative and cause nothing but worry and fear. They tell you everything that's wrong and no way to get out of it. You start to feel so hopeless and helpless. Maybe they are over realistic and maybe they paint the wrong picture. I don't know who or what influences the stories that get told on the news.

I must eat some dinner, my body needs to get fed. The Exfactor brought me some rice pudding and I think I'll have that. 

Have a great evening, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday in the morning...

I was up during the night, but I had enough sense to go back to bed and finish sleeping. It did my body good and when I woke up the second time, I was truly awake and ready to tackle the day. Of course, that doesn't have any meaning whatsoever, because all I tackle is my computer and several cups of coffee and my cigarettes. I did feed the cats and the dog and gave the dog his antibiotics. I was that alert anyway, but I forgot to give him fresh water and I haven't put the ointments in his eyes yet. I will do that next when I get up for my second cup of coffee. He is sound asleep now and you know what they say about sleeping dogs...you must let them lie.

Okay, that's done. He's always so good about me putting the ointments in his eyes, He doesn't protest at all, but patiently undergoes the procedure. He's a good dog. Maybe he knows that it's good for him, but I really don't know if he's able to make that association. He's drinking fresh water anyway. I'm sure he appreciates that.

Whenever my life settles down to a dull roar, I am ready for some kind of a change. I want to change the template of my blog, but I don't know what to do. Blogger still doesn't have that many templates to choose from and I am frustrated that it is so, because I would like there to be more options. Aha! I found a site with many free templates and nice ones too. Well, you've already seen that, of course. Please, don't mistake me for the woman under the tree. I wish I was that young and slender. It is the spirit of me standing there and I looked through quite a few templates before I chose this one. Now that I know how easy it is, I may change my mind again and choose a different one until I am quite happy. I got this template at Final Sense. Oh well, I've already done it. I've found one I liked better and had to adjust my widgets and it is so much fun to mess around with it. Jeez, sites like this were invented for people like me. People who want more and better and always something different and who never can leave well enough alone. Yippee!

In the meantime, I have walked the dog and I have gotten dressed, of course, and I'm wearing a very nice dress, which I don't wear often, but since it's my sister's birthday I thought I would make the effort. Since it's a bit chilly, I am wearing a black cardigan over it, because it's not a very warm dress. I could catch a cold in it, if you believe in those theories. My sister still has a cold that she caught in Japan three weeks ago and now has an ear infection for which she has an antibiotic. I've been very lucky in that I didn't catch it yet and I probably won't because I seem to be immune to germs and I bet it's because I smoke. It kills all those suckers. That's my far flung theory.

It's a cold and overcast day and it's supposed to rain, but I don't believe it, because they keep saying that and then we get a few spatters and that's it. I think all the rain falls on England and there's nothing let by the time the low pressure system gets here. When I went shopping yesterday, three drops of rain fell on my head and that was it. I was ready to get all upset about it, but it wasn't necessary. Oh, I spoke too soon. It has just started to rain. Well, we'll see how bad it gets. Maybe it will just be a sprinkling.

Due to a shortage of money, I'm not sending any Christmas cards this year. I usually send about 40 cards, but I am unable to do that. It seems that life is getting more and more expensive and the money gets scarcer each month. By hook and crook I always manage to make it through the month somehow, but it gets tough and things are down to the bare necessities. There are always unexpected bills. Luckily, there is sometimes also unexpected money just when I need it. It makes me think I have a guardian angel. Somebody is watching out for me anyway.

It's funny how you get to have your little believe systems regardless of your common sense. I always have a tendency to think that some higher power intervenes for me in the little things that are important. That I'm lucky despite my position in life. A lot of times things seem to go terribly wrong, but somehow they always work out in the end and there aren't many casualties. Sure, things could be a lot easier, but under the circumstances, they are not bad and I have the secret believe, although it is almost childish to think it, that somebody is really watching out for me, though I don't know who that somebody is. It is selfish to think that a higher power is personally going to bother about my insignificant life, but it seems that way anyway. I take none of this for granted and always say many, many thank yous to whoever it applies and if I were hypomanic now, I'd be lighting candles for Mary in the Our Dear Lady Basilica, keeping in mind that I see her as the personification of Mother Earth.

Well, now I've got to do some more blog related things. I'm not quite done fooling around yet and I do want to get everything out of it that I can. You know me, I love messing around with this kind of stuff.

Have a really terrific Sunday. It has stopped raining. It was only a sprinkling.

Ciao,
Nora

Here we are...

Sunday.

Sabbath.

The day the Higher Being created for people like me who like a day off to do absolutely nothing but worship him/her. But wait a minute! Didn't you have that day off yesterday? And since when do you worship the Higher Being?

Yes, I know there is rhyme nor reason in my argument, but just go along with me for the heck of it anyway.

Since we have to embrace so many religions, we need the whole weekend to pay our proper respects to them, one day just won't do. One day is more holy to some people than the other day. We can't make them change days, so we make both days opportunities to be worshiping kind of days. That makes sense, doesn't it? The fact that I, a pagan, take the opportunity to be lazy on both days, is merely an incidental circumstance.

Speaking of paganism, even a pagan believes in something, or multiple somethings. Lately, the idea has been growing with me that maybe there is a Higher Power running interference with my life, because I can't figure out why it is turning out so well, instead of so badly and why I am growing stronger, instead of weaker. And why bad beginnings turn out to have good endings, and why, when I think I am about to suffer, I am not.

Then I look back over the past couple of years and see the bad, the good and the indifferent and realize that the bad that I thought was evil, was merely a painful way to get to the good and would have been easier if I had not fought as hard. And I see that many of the things I wished for were resolved, not in the way I wanted to always, but in a new and better way and one I could not have predicted and ever so much better than I could have thought of on my own.

It makes me think that something bigger and wiser than me is pulling some strings now and then and that I need to pay more attention to this Being and that I need to put more faith in it. I am not quite done thinking about it and I haven't quite formulated the shape and the form in my head yet, but maybe that is impossible anyway, but is is not the regular picture of the Christian God. It is something else.

It is made of light and energy and it is humongous, larger than the universe. We are small, yet incredibly important beside it. We are a necessary part of it. It can not live without us and we can not live without it. We are equally important to each other's existence. It is a symbiotic relationship. The closest you would come to see it, would be if you could see a thousand galaxies with a million suns.

Well, all that because it is Sunday today and that allows me to formulate my thoughts. Sometimes it is good to listen to your inner voice. Rather, I suppose it is good to listen often. I just get sidetracked by other things and don't always pay attention when I should.

We have enormous amounts of wisdom inside ourselves that we can tap into if we have the courage to be alone and silent and keep our minds open. Don't go running around like a chicken with it's head cut off when you are alone and faced with an unusual thought that you think is scary. Stay calm and have a good look at it all on your own, without any input from outside. You'd be amazed at how much you know about yourself.

I must learn from my own lessons and usually I do. I do have the tendency to incorporate the things I hear and see and dream about into a coherent thought and make it part of my mind's inventory. I get better at that when I am alone and I am not distracted by other people's discombobulated points of view. That goes to show you that I have a lot of faith in myself. I do listen to other people, but only I can decide if I want to accept what I hear or not. It has to fit my version of the way I look at life. There has to be a lot of logic in it and very little emotion, otherwise I won't accept it and be very weary.

I suppose your inner voice and your Higher Being are very much connected. There must be a gossamer thread between them that is invisible to the naked eye, but it must be very strong and flexible. Like an umbilical cord almost, but infinitely finer. I add this as an after thought I had while I made myself another mug of coffee. There is always opportunity for a generous figure of speech.

Now I must end this one sided conversation. The Überhund is waiting patiently and I must get dressed.

I hope you all have a terrific Sunday.

Ciao...