Completely...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm completely wide awake, smoking the last of my cigarettes until I go to the pharmacy first thing in the morning to pick up my nicotine patches. When I first got up I was miserable and grumpy and out of sorts and chain smoking, until I had my cup of coffee and then I was okay and a more reasonable human being. Coffee does set me to rights and I can never do without it. It's like a medicine to me. I sorts out my brain. I'm convinced of the healing powers of caffeine in my case. I don't know what it does for you, but for me it is a very positive experience.

I read blogs, which I was behind on, and left comments on most of them. Some of them I had not read in three days, so I was shamefully behind. I had not been in the proper mood and could not bring myself to read them, let alone comment on them. I am caught up now and can relax again. I feel I've had my enjoyment and done my duty. I read some blogs that I hardly ever comment on, because I feel a little bit like a stranger there, but I'm a faithful follower. I hope the fact that I show up counts for enough.

I had not planned to stay up, but now that I am, I am going to make the most of it and enjoy myself. I'm in such a good mood now that I want to take advantage of that and let the situation last as long as possible. I'm not going to spoil it by going to bed. There's not a hair on my head that's thinking about it anyway. I'm too excited to go to bed just now.

I do have very interesting dreams when I sleep and I wonder how much they are influenced by what I hear on the radio while I'm asleep. I have elements in my dreams that were not there before, so I'm sure they are coming from outside, but I give my own twist to them and incorporate them into my own fantasies. Music is part of it and I do dream about that regularly, but have people play it whom I know very well. Or have them sing songs. Still, although I listen to a Dutch radio station, all my dreams take place in the English language, of that I'm sure, and I find that interesting. My dreams are all very dramatic and look like large screen movie productions with special effects and a music score and everything. Like a filmed opera, I suppose. There's wailing going on too, sometimes. Lord only knows what I listen to at night.

I talked to my sister yesterday and she told me that her party went on until 2:30 in the morning. Can you imagine lasting that long? I would have called it quits by midnight. I'm so obviously not a party animal and my sister so obviously is. She always has a lot of fun in a crowd of people. I do better in small intimate groups. She's a very outgoing person, a real extrovert and shares herself with anyone and everybody. I'm more introverted and private and share myself sparingly. Except on my blog, that's the exception. I share myself here because I can be contemplative and choose my words carefully and show what I want to show, although I'm not that secretive about myself. For the most part, I'm pretty open and tell it like it is in a mostly rational way.

For the past few days I've felt a bit down and I thought that maybe I was getting depressed, but it seems to have lifted now and I feel better. I suppose those are just the natural cycles that people go through that I have to get used to. Not every mood has to have a significant meaning, except for the last one I had, which was distinctly hypomanic and could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. As it is, the damage was relatively small and I didn't do anything too crazy, except for buying a new sofa and coffee table and area rug. That's still within reason, just about. I'm going to pay them off with the money I save on the tobacco I won't be buying anymore. That adds up to a large amount of money.

I'm afraid of the black dog that's always stalking me in the background, but maybe he will stay in the background this season. I've had years when he didn't appear at all, and maybe this will be one of them. I'm as prepared as I can be and have all systems in place. I know I can count on the light therapy lamp to elevate my mood, there's no doubt about that. It's a shame that I had lost faith in it and didn't use it last year. It would have saved me a lot of bother.

Yesterday afternoon I didn't have an Internet connection. I reset the modem four times, unsuccessfully. I finally called the help desk and they talked me through the procedure and it turned out in the end that the cable in the hard drive wasn't plugged in properly. Duh! I think Tyke must have pulled it loose when he went to retrieve his ball. It sure puzzled me and I hadn't thought of that solution, but I will from now on. It will be the first place I look if and when it happens again. You learn a new lesson every day. It makes you appear a little dumb, but I don't care about that. Let them think what they want, as long as I have my connection back.

Well, I'm going to enjoy the last hours of my smoking life. I have to stock up on some air freshener and Febrèze. I'm going to treat the whole apartment and do lots of laundry. I will have the place smelling good in no time.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Things you lose...

I decided to go one the bathroom scale this morning, after not having gotten on it for quite some time. I expected not to have lost any weight at all, because I had not been trying really to lose any. I had been eating when I was hungry and drinking lots of milk when I was thirsty. Much to my surprise I had lost another 4 kilos, that is 8,8 lbs, and just to make sure, I got on the scale twice. It is very accurate and gave me the exact same weight the second time.

Now I am one kilo away from the weight the Obesitas Specialist said I should aim for, but I think I can lose some more weight. I'm not going to obsessively go on the scale to weigh myself all the time, though. I'll just keep eating and drinking the way I am and go on the scale occasionally, but it certainly is a nice way to start the day. It cheered me up tremendously and I needed cheering up.

I was grumpy and out of sorts when I woke up this morning. I had a runny nose and an irritating cough all night. I must have eaten something at the party that I'm allergic too. I tried all kinds of food, so I don't know what it was. Whatever I thought I could eat easily, I ate, including a wonderful paté and a piece of quiche. Needless to say, I'm itching in all the usual places now.

The party was fine. I had one glass of white wine and one beer. There were some people I knew there, so I was not completely out of my depth. I didn't stay too long and as I was leaving, the DJ was setting up the sound system. It must have gotten quite noisy after that. That was at 10:30 and I thought it was a good time to go. I'm not one for big crowds anyway and it was starting to be a big crowd. At least the weather was nice and a large amount of people were out on the patio.

I rode my bike home through the dark night and was a little bit worried about that and didn't dawdle. Nothing happened, of course, and there's no reason to think that anything would. Not in this neighborhood. It's just the idea of being a woman out there alone on your bike in the late evening. You always feel vulnerable.

Tyke was very happy to see me and got a good belly rub. He had found his lost tennis ball and was trying to keep track of two balls at the same time. It was very funny to watch him do it. One ball in his mouth and the other between his paws and that's how he moved around the living room.

I was pleased to walk into the living room and see the coffee table and the area rug and the new plants in their lime green pots. When I bought those, I had not realized that I already had three other lime green pots, so it was a fortunate purchase, done completely subconsciously. I must have zeroed in on that color in the flower shop without being aware of it.

The colors in the living room are going to be black and dark gray with touches of red and light green. Yellow will be eliminated. There is only one house plant in a yellow pot and I will change that today. The newly washed, yellow, fleece blanket will not be put back, nor will the yellow pillows. I've bought two pillows with lime green covers instead. Yellow will be banished to the bedroom.

It is overcast and dark outside and it's supposed to rain. It sure looks like it will. I don't mind because I'm nice and cozy inside. I will do a few chores and take it easy today. There will be no grand deeds from me. My nose is still runny and I hope that will disappear soon. Of course, smoking doesn't help that either. Tomorrow morning I quit and I'm looking forward to it. It will be a whole new challenge and one I'm cut out for. I'm not daunted by it, although maybe I should be.

Have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

No fooling around now...

That pill that allows me to fall asleep only keeps me asleep for a few hours and then I'm wide awake again. It's not a real sleeping pill, which is good, because I've heard from people who take those that they are very groggy in the morning and that they suffer the consequences of them the next day. At least I don't have that. I am wide awake after it has worn off and any sleeping I do later, I do on my own. I may as well try and get off it and it is one of the things I will try to do soon. First I have to quit smoking.

The day went well yesterday. Everybody came and went and the Exfactor put the coffee table together without any trouble. It is very nice and solid. The area rug arrived while he was working on it, so we put it in place and then put the coffee table on top of it. The area rug is dark gray and the coffee table is black. It looks good and will look even better when the sofa is in place.

After the Exfactor left. I walked to the flower shop with Tyke and bought two large ivy plants in square, lime green pots. I put one on the coffee table along with a sculpture, so now Tyke can't jump on top of it. He's been foiled. He does like the rug very much and likes to lie down on it. It is soft and warm. I put the other ivy on the dining table, to pull the interior together. I do have to make sure that I always have a bouquet of flowers, because it cheers the place up so very much. I have to make a point of that.

I'm not hypomanic anymore. I came down to earth yesterday afternoon and now I am completely calm and sober minded. I hadn't realized that I was hypomanic until I stopped being it and then it became clear to me. I suspected it last week, but thought I was over it. It's a relief not to be it anymore, because I was outshouting myself. Making too much noise, having too many stars in my eyes. Now I'm down to a manageable level and I'm going at an easier pace. It's a more realistic state of mind to quit smoking in.

I like being this calm me. I am almost sedate. At least I'm more introspective and I like that. I'm not on the run for anything. The hypomanic me got a lot of things done, the calm me gets to enjoy them. I can be more objective like this and think about things in a more rational way, without high running emotions. I also feel that I can rest and be quiet and that everything will happen in its own good time. The last thing I want to do now is turn on the light therapy lamp. That will turn me back up.

My sister is giving a house warming party tonight and she has invited lots of people. If only half of them show up, it will be a full house. She'll have food and drinks and good company. I will make it a point not to drink too much wine. I do have to ride my bike home.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Drinking coffee...

I'm sitting quite cozily by the desk lamp drinking my coffee after having just finished a tall glass of fruit juice for the thirst. This time I was smart enough to buy two large cartons of fruit juice, so I have enough left, although I may come to find out that I need three to last me the week. The stuff is so good when you are thirsty and nothing else will do to quench that thirst. Not even cold milk, which I used to think was the best cold drink when I was diabetic and didn't know it and was always thirsty. I would drink a liter of it in one go. Now I just drink tall glasses of juice and I love the slightly sour taste of it, because the juice is not too sweet. I like mixed yellow fruits better than plain orange juice, and no matter how well I shake it, the best is always at the bottom of the carton, because that's where all the pulp is. I could write a treatise on good fruit juice probably.

Jesker is lying right beside me and has tried to get me to get dressed because he wanted me to take him out. He got me to follow him to where me clothes and boots were and then looked at me with sorrowful eyes. Of course, I'm not going for a walk now, he just had to go out back, but he was not quite happy about that. He complained a little bit and then grudgingly went to sleep, but I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it yet. I'm sure in his little brain he's just waiting for the next moment to come along when he can try and lure me outside again. He never forgets.

It snowed during the night and there are a few centimeters. I'm wishing for it to be gone, although it looks quite pretty, but I'm not fooled by the beauty of it and remember very well how slippery it can get if it stays and freezes. It's supposed to get up to 2C today, so it should melt, but there aren't any guarantees. It never did get that warm yesterday either and it snowed in the afternoon, although it was supposed to be 2C then also. In the north of the country there is more snow, so I'm glad I live down here in the south. Those few hundred kilometers do make a difference and we are less influenced by the sea, which makes it a bit dryer and warmer here. It's a good place to live, as climates go, but that's not the only reason. I live in the Dutch mountains.

I finished Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver and have now started her novel Pigs in Heaven. I've read this novel before and also the one that came before it, but it's been long enough since I read it that it will be like reading a new book again. As I read it, I remember bits and pieces of it, but it's still fun. Animal Dreams was an interesting book. There was a lot of sadness in it, but very realistically in that tragedy happens to people in the most bizarre ways and that we have to learn to live with that. There was also joy in the book underneath it all and it does have a satisfactory ending. I don't say a happy ending, because no such thing exists. Well, endings don't exist, do they? One person or the other dies, but the rest of the people go on living. They have to, that's their fate. To carry on the story endlessly until someone can come along and write it down again.

Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I'm surprised he didn't try to change my mind again. I suppose he realized his timing was off.

I just looked outside and see that there are already footsteps in the snow and tire tracks. I'm surprised, it being Sunday. I wouldn't expect anyone to be up that early, or to be out that late. Of course, the cafés don't close until 3 am, so it could be people coming home from a night out. I think some places stay open even longer, but I think that's in the summertime when you can get home when the sun is up. I'm not a party animal, so I don't know much about these things. I haven't stayed up to party all night since I was 26 and it was New year's Eve and I saw the morning coming. That's a long time ago.

It's very nice here with my bathrobe on. I have no desire yet to go back to bed. I am wide awake. I think I will stay up and visit some blogs that I've been neglecting, because I visit them, but very often lately I haven't been leaving any comments and I feel like that's just a bit antisocial. It's like peeking in, but not letting anyone know you've been there. Of course, lately I haven't felt like I know what to say, I've been so empty of words that are cheerful and it's been an effort to say anything at all.

Have a good Sunday you all. I hope your snow melts if you have any.

Ciao!

Postponement.

I am postponing the inevitable start of the day, which has already been started really by me walking the Überhund and having been rained on. It was cold and windy and dark gray clouds blew in and did not bode well and, indeed, they soon dropped their rain on our heads as we ran down the street back to the apartment.

Luckily, the Überhund thinks running is fun and we don't do enough of it, so he was all game. I don't now if he understood that it was because we were getting wet that we ran, but for the most part we made it to the apartment without getting too soaked. Just some droplets of rain ran down my head to the tip of my nose, where they irritatingly waited for me to wipe them off.

While we were running, I kept saying to him, "Come on, hurry up, it is raining!" This to encourage him on to greater speed, but I am sure he can outrun me. I just didn't want him to stop at a suddenly interesting spot on the road where there was some imaginary bit of food that he had to inspect. He's been known to do that and then I am in danger of tripping over him and I see it happening one of these days. "Woman trips over dog. Falls flat on her face."

I have been applying the eye drops successfully. The Überhund is very cooperative with the box of treats sitting right on the coffee table. If I were him, I would hold out for something better than just regular ordinary every day treats. I was willing to go to the store to buy him some, I still may do to soothe my own conscious. He is being very good about it.

I just in a roundabout way managed to get the telephone number of the most important person of the group of people I had to reach to let them know that the party is off for tonight and spoke in a message and left my phone number. Now hopefully everything will get sorted out. I managed to get a hold of one woman who was supposed to come and she had the phone number of the other person. I did this by calling the Friday creative therapy class, because I thought at least some of them were in that one.

Oh, what a bother, I do have to get my telephone numbers straight. I'm glad I managed to reach the creative therapy class, I thought that was going to be a problem, but luckily it wasn't.

Now all I have to do is clean up the apartment and I'll have that done in many jiffys. Vacuuming and mopping are going to be the big jobs. From the cats' point of view the vacuuming is going to be the worst. They somehow like freshly mopped floors and like to walk on them, leaving little paw prints everywhere.

Right, into the starting blocks. Off I go. Wish me luck. I do have to go to the store and to the drugstore also. I am wishing for many dry spells.

Mwah!

To the Vet.

I took the Überhund to the vet this afternoon and it turned out that he had a bad infection in both his eyes that had eluded me until yesterday, when he started rubbing them with his paws. I didn't realize how bad it was until we got to the vet and he had me take a look at the inflammation and the cloudiness of his eyes. He said it was as though the Überhund was looking through frosted glass. Poor guy and he is in pain too. He now has eye drops that I have to apply 6 times a day and he is real good about it and he gets a treat as a reward.

The vet said that the Überhund has a membership there and it is true, he has been having his health problems. But when you look at him and see his sorry little face you can't help but always want to take the best care of him. I think the eye drops help, because he is rubbing his eyes less now and I've put them in 2 times now and will do one more time tonight.

In the meantime, I have decided to cancel the party, seeing as though half of the people weren't planning on showing up. Once I made the decision, and discussed it with the Exfactor, I got a huge stomach ache and had it all morning and laid on the sofa with it. They were genuine cramps and I am sure they were a result of the stress I had been feeling all along. I ate some müesli, but that didn't help and I finally just went to sleep and when I woke up, the worst of it was over.

I have been unable to reach the group of 4 people that I had invited from my creative therapy class, as the 2 phone numbers that I have don't seem to be the correct ones. I will have to figure out a solution to this and try to reach them at their therapy class tomorrow. I can't have them show up here tomorrow night expecting a party and not finding one.

I have a sense of relief that I've called the whole thing off. It just didn't feel right to go ahead with it and my doubts grew bigger every day. The Exfactor needed very little convincing. He agreed almost from the start of our conversation. It was a good idea gone bad.

My sister called me to come and have coffee with her and I went over there at 3 PM, not with the enthusiasm you might expect. I suppose I have grown used to the idea that my sister approaches me and everything that concerns me constantly with the sour air of disapproval, but I am not in a state of mind to accept it anymore and now try to keep the contact to the bare minimum. I listen to what she has to tell me and I observe her and think what I think and then I go home again and put it out of my mind until the next time. Such is sisterly love sometimes. You don't pick your family.

My schedule was nowhere today and tomorrow I have to catch up on myself. My friend Joost, who was invited to the party, is still coming, so I need to get things ready for him. I'll have to make sure there is food in the house for him to eat.

Well, that about does it for me for tonight. I have to get something to eat. Will it be delicious oatmeal or will it be a delicious omelet?

Mwah!

Much better.

I sent my SPN an email this morning in which I came clean with my feelings about everything and I felt much better for having done that. I since received a kind reply from her and I think we are okay again and she says that we will discuss these issues more in depth in the next session. I don't get the feeling that she dislikes me for having tried to pull the wool over her and my eyes. I think she appreciates the fact that I was honest in the end.

This morning's session at ergo therapy showed me again how much I still need to go there, even though there are people there who irritate me to no end. I was able to get my current feelings across of alienation and unreality and disconnection and that I rated myself only at a low 5 when I had been at an 8 or a 9 this summer. I talked about the upcoming party and how much that probably had to do with my stress, because I worried about all the things I had to do to take care of and all I did was sit behind the computer and not accomplish anything.

It's pure escapism, not being able to deal with the reality of things and letting real life slide by like a stream of fast moving water on which the events bounce by like bits of flotsam caught in the current. I sit on the banks and let it all pass me by.

A rescue mission was organized and a planning was made to get me step by step through the next 5 days. An hourly schedule was made that shows exactly how I am going to be filling up my time with useful activities and little breaks in between. I have done some things now to get ready for Friday night and will do the rest of them spread out over Thursday and Friday. It is all fine tuned.

I feel a great deal of relief, because now it all seems manageable and doable. All I have to do is stick to the schedule and all will be well. It is amazing how sitting down and organizing yourself on paper can make such a difference. Instead of a incomprehensible mess, I now have an organized schedule.

Now it is just a question as to who is going to show up. All the people I invited will be there, but I haven't heard anything about the people whom the Exfactor invited, except for one woman who thought it was just too weird to go to a divorce party after she had just gone to a wedding and a funeral. C'est la vie! You'd think she's want to touch all bases, but alas...

Having the divorce party is no big deal in the sense that it does not bring closure to me to anything. Life will go on as usual. It's a celebration of the independent I, but I've celebrated that fact often enough already in the past months. I am not celebrating a failed marriage. I hope to celebrate a good start, but I've had that one already too. I think more than anything it is for the Exfactor to show his friends that we are still on good terms and that I am not suffering, but if they don't show up, it will have been a pointless exercise.

Regardless, I will have a good time with the people I invited and enjoy the good food that we'll have. I can already taste the Brie and the Camembert and the chicken and salmon salad. It was mostly the logistics that were causing my nerves to rattle.

The Paramount has announced to the Exfactor that she will not attend the party, because she will feel very uncomfortable. So be it. I suppose I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. Watch her do a 180 degrees turn about and show up anyway. That will be a surprise.

The Temazepam was prescribed to me to help me take care of the extreme anxiety that I felt as my marriage was falling apart and for how I had to deal with the logistics of everything afterwards. I was dependent on it for a long time. I tried to stop taking it before, but failed miserably, but this time it seems to be okay and that is probably because I still take 20 mg at night, so it is still in my system. I don't have anxiety as such now. What I do have a lot of is inertia and failure to get enthusiastic, but with the right kind of back up, I can find my enthusiasm again.

The ergo therapist is looking for an extra activity for me, because she sees I need it quickly to get my momentum going again. It is possible that I may do another creative class on Thursdays in another section of the building. She is going to discuss it with my SPN today and let me know on Monday. I hope I will be able to, as I feel I need the structure and the activity, even if it is on a short term basis. So, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, I have to stop writing, because the Überhund has urgent needs. He wants to go out, so out we go.

Have a good evening.

Mwah!

Downpour.

The morning started off with a big downpour of rain. It fell straight out of the heavens and flooded the street. I thought it was not the most opportune time to walk the Überhund and took my time getting ready for creative therapy instead. I thought that if it was still going to rain like that at 9 AM, I would call and tell them that I would be late, but at 8 AM the rain stopped and the Überhund and I made a dash outside.

He was in quite a hurry to go and dragged me through the communal flower patch, where my boots sank into the soft mud. I was wearing my nice boots for a change too, isn't that aways the way it goes? Then it took him some time to find the proper place to go and I don't know exactly what the criteria are. There have to be bushes or grass or leaves, or a big tree. Or a hedge that he thinks he can crouch under, but not really. His rear end is always sticking out.

Anyway, it stayed dry and that was nice, because I made it to creative therapy without one drop of rain splattering on my carefully combed hair. I had time for an espresso and a cigarette while everyone drifted in and then I was ready to tackle the work of the day, which was, surprise...a collage! I have sure been bitten by that bug.

The problem with the one I was working on today, was that I made it too easy on myself and there was hardly a challenge in it, so the next one has to be more complicated and difficult to do. I need to have problems to solve and complications to undo and difficulties to overcome. This one was a piece of cake and therefor I do not appreciate it as much, although it turned out well enough. I am not impressed by it, though.

I invited 4 people to our divorce party and all 4 of them accepted the invitation with much delight, which was a worry of my mind, because I didn't know how they would react to it, but they were all very good natured about it and talked about it on and off for the rest of the morning. You don't know how people will react to the idea of a divorce party, but it was all fine. Especially after I told them that the Exfactor and I weren't going to recreate scenes of our marriage.

It stayed dry the rest of the day, but the sky was cloudy and there was a heck of a wind blowing, which was especially cumbersome on your bike going into it, because sometimes it felt like you weren't getting anywhere. And sometimes it felt like you'd be blown over.

I made it home in one piece and had a mug of coffee before I walked the Überhund, who was wagging his rear end again from happiness at seeing me. We took a short walk through the neighborhood, because of the cold wind and after that I did some household chores. I did not turn on the computer. Purposely, I did not.

Then it was time to see my SPN and I rode my bike into the wind to her office, getting there completely stormblasted with my hair in all directions. It was a different look.

I very carefully told her the story of this weekend, not leaving out a single detail, because I know no shame, and now we are going to figure out why my identity is so wrapped up with my blog and it's name and it's image. We've already brainstormed that some. It has somehting to do with my evolution as a singular human being and finding my identity as that person and getting lost in that, but we haven't got it all figured out yet.

My medication can't be changed. I am already at the maximum dose of everything, unless I really go bonkers and they have to lock me up. This was double checked by my SPN with a psychiatrist.

WE have made some agreements. Until I see her again next week, I am to stay away from the Random Word Generator and I have to keep the name of my blog the way it is now. Under no circumstances am I allowed to change it or to go look for better names and images. Since it had taken on obsessive forms, it is better that way.

I am not allowed to get up in the middle of the night and turn on the computer. I have to go back to bed with a glass of warm milk and try to sleep some more, because it is important to have a normal schedule.

I have to walk away from the computer during the day and do something else for a while, whatever it is. Laundry, dishes, walking the Überhund, reading a book...

My SPN is going to call me for the next 2 days to see how I am. This is in lieu of the medication. She actually thinks that I am dealing with the situation well, considering the real fear I had of loosing my grip on reality.

So, off I go to make it a point that I can do this, but I would have much rather have had a pill to make it better. So, I have mixed feelings. I am sad, because I can't indulge in my obsession and because there is no pill and because I have to do this alone. I am glad I made a promise that keeps me from indulging in my obsession and takes that option away from me, because I so very badly want to keep on doing it.

Apparently, I am having an identity crisis that emerges in this way. But the crisis goes deeper than the blog name and image. It is about who I, Irene Sieders, am as a single unattached to anyone human being. I suppose I have a very wavering picture of myself that iss very blurry in the outlines. I don't know where I begin and where I end. Who am I, what is my territory, how strong am I? Can I be shoved around or do I shove back? Who are my role models?

Bev would say that these are analytical questions and that I shouldn't ask them. That I'm living in my head too much, but I think I don't live in my head enough and let things happen that should be called a halt to. I only live for today without a worry about yesterday or tomorrow and I must end that.

Well, enough of that right now. I wish I could go to sleep now, because I am so tired, but it is too early yet. I've got to stay up for at least another 2 hours.

Thank you for reading about all of my woes and worries.

Ciao...

Another Story.

I am starting this Thursday off quite slowly. The Überhund let me sleep in, but then suddenly was in quite a rush to get outside and letting him out back was not cutting it, so I had to get dressed and take him for a walk before I had properly had a cup of coffee and a decent cigarette. My hair was uncombed and my medicines not taken and there we were walking, with me hoping he would get down to business quickly, which he finally did, twice, so that we could return home and get back to the business of waking up properly.

I was very much longing for some quiet uninterrupted time behind the computer, when the doorbell rang. It was a neighbor come to pick up a package and one of the cats escaped in the stairwell, so I had to go chase her all the way to the top, with the Überhund standing at the bottom barking quite distressingly, thinking I was leaving him.

I got all the animals inside safely, took my medicines, made a mug of coffee and set myself down behind the computer and said to myself, "Come hell or high water, I am not moving one inch." Well, I won't, except to get myself some new coffee and new cigarettes when I run out.

I had another 6 sentence story published by Six Sentences and you can read it here. It is not something I had written about before in one of my posts. What I mean is, it is not a bit of text that I have stolen out of my posts. This is the 4th story I have had published, but mind you, there have been many rejects and I only get lucky sometimes. Please go over and have a read and leave a comment, as it will help me get stories published in the future. I am pleading, aren't I?

I want to thank you all for leaving such positive and supportive comments on my collages. I would like to make them at home, but I don't have the materials to do so yet. I would have to invest a few bucks to get to the point that I could make them at home. And I would have to have many magazines to get pictures and texts out of. It is something worth looking int when I stop creative therapy, because I enjoy making them very much and I would miss not being able to do it.

I had such a lazy. lost day yesterday. Well, I did go to ergo therapy and I got to speak my mind about my objections about what I see is happening in the group now. Some things I said publicly and some things I said privately to the therapist. It certainly felt good to air all of my grievances and it is going to help me make up my mind about whether I stay in the group.

I am of two minds about it. Part of me is thinking that I should not go a difficulty out of the way, but that I should handle it and draw a lesson from it. That explains the dream I had last night. I dreamed I had to eat some very bitter ethnic food that ordinary people could not eat, because it was so foul. It was a test to see if you could get past the bitterness and taste the glorious flavor that was of orgasmic proportions. I did get to that point and passed the mark. It is of course a subliminal message to me to go ahead and hang in there a while longer. To get past my intense dislike of the people who are now inputting the group and whom I somehow have to try and accept and find some understanding for.

Life is a lesson, isn't it, and sometimes it is a bitter pill.

The Exfactor was here in the afternoon to do his laundry and together we decided on the look of the invitations for our divorce party, which I then printed out and put in envelopes. We're going to celebrate it on the 21st of this month and not make it too big, because the apartment is small. About 14 people will be invited and we are sharing the cost. It will be fun and I am looking forward to it, as it has been a long time since I have been at any social gathering. I am looking forward to drinking white wine and having some good snacks and being in the company of some interesting people.

I almost thought about going grocery shopping yesterday, but then went ahead and ate the last little bits of everything that was in the apartment, so I do have to go today and load up on everything. I don't mind grocery shopping, it's just the trip home that is so tricky. I have to make a list and stick to it, otherwise I'll have too many things and I'll never make it home. I'll go splat on the road.

Alright, I have to get the proverbial show on the road. First I have to put on my face and comb my hair. Can't look like a half crazed witch out on my bike. Well, I could, but it would scare the public.

Here's to you all having a good day, then, and congratulations on your new president-elect to those of you it applies to. We are all very happy too.

Ciao...

Tough Broad Boots.

I couldn't find an exact image of my boots, but this one comes close. I have a bit more metal decoration on the straps, making them look a little bit tougher, I think, but either way, you get an idea of what they look like. They are very comfortable and I put them on in the morning and don't even bother taking them off when I get home like I usually do with my shoes to slip on something more comfortable. They sound tough too when I walk in them and I am even thinking of having the heels reinforced with a little bit of metal, so they won't wear down so quickly.

Anyway, you see how between the spiky hair and the tough boots, I just need to have a leather jacket for my whole image. Someone told me about several second hand clothing stores today where I may find one and they can also be found on the open air market. Wouldn't it be really cool if I got one? It would be so awesome. I need one with a lot of pockets. I am full of excitement.

Today was another ordinary day in the life of this 54 year old. I slept until 7 AM. Can you believe it? That is late for me and didn't give me much time to contemplate my navel, because I had to make cigarettes and walk the Überhund and get dressed and ready to go to my ergo therapy.

I thought about being late and contemplating my navel longer, but I really like to be there on time and spend some time out on the roof deck with the other smokers and drink espressos. It gets me in the proper mood and there is always somebody with a story that is interesting to listen to and you wouldn't believe how normal these people are. If you met them in the street or at a party, you wouldn't know that they were receiving intense therapy and taking medication. They're just an ordinary average slice of the human population. They could be anybody.

Today, 4 of us sat around a large sheet of paper with watercolor crayons and all of us had to draw whatever, but one of us had to try and control our act of drawing and we took turns doing that without speaking. It was very interesting what came out of that and how people interpreted what control is and how to implement it and how you decide to let yourself be controlled by another person. My interpretation of control is total dominance and to rule completely or to not let myself be controlled at all by not even giving the controlling person the chance to do that. So, it is all or nothing with me. Other people have no control over anybody, they just get waltzed over. They are too nice to do it. I am not too nice. Thank goodness, but I am not subtle, I have to learn that. I'm like a Tasmanian Devil and just scrawl that crayon all over the place regardless of who is doing what where.

We talk about these things afterwards and stop and pay attention to how we go about applying those 'skills' in our lives. Survival techniques. We are asked to look at them and see if we can do it differently. Huge lessons are learned.

I think we are way ahead in the game compared to a lot of people in the outside world who just go stumbling along, oblivious of their motivations and their limitations, constantly caught in the same traps. You see some people going through enormous changes.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I see him struggling with the same issues at his work year after year and never reaching any sort of resolution, but always getting upset about them and having them be a big subject of his conversations with me. Unresolved issues will gnaw away at you and leave you very frustrated and stressed, especially if they dominate your thoughts and you seem to have no ability to change them.

The Exfactor did bring his camera and take my picture, even though the light wasn't all that great, but you do get some impression of what I look like now. I must get a camera of my own, it is one of the first things I want to get as soon as I am financially more comfortable. I haven't quite decided what I want to get, but it has to be affordablle, of course. I like the camera that the Exfactor has, but I think I want to get something else. Something a little heftier.

I think it is fine if the Exfactor comes here once a week or so to drink a cup of coffee or two and have a talk with me. It gives me a realistic picture of how he is and not some idealized remebered one that doesn't exist anymore. It's good to see the real Exfactor and to listen to him talk and to know that that is not the person I want to spend my life with ever again. The Exfactor I fell in love with 15 years ago is gone and even the friendship that we had then is not there anymore. We've really grown apart and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

He did think that the idea of the party was a good one, as I invited him too and I said the Paramount could come, but he thought that she would not be comfotable with that, so he would come on his own. I have some people in mind to invite and the idea is slowly taking shape in my head. Maybe we can make it a happy divorce party, because it may just be possible that we will be divorced shortly. I am expecting to get the papers in the mail any day now.

The thing is, that I feel so very much divorced already and I am in all ways except by a formality. I think having my own name back was the clinger and using that on all paperwork now makes it very real and tangible. I really am this person named Irene Sieders and glad of it.

Wel, now I need to go check my bank account balance and see if my subsidies have been deposited yet and if they have, I can go grocery shopping. Luckily, it is almost pay day, but that is always such a fickle event that I never know when exactly to expect it. Don't let anybody ever convince you that it is easy to live on a governmental handout. There is a lot of stress involved. It would be much better to have a fair paying job.

Well, kiddos, make the best of what is left of the day. I think I will grab something to eat and get ready to watch the news after I see if I have any money.

Ciao...