Monday, February 01, 2010

Choices...


I took Jesker to the vet this afternoon, because his diarrhea is back in full force. The vet was sad to see him again. Because Jesker was not so bloated this time and because he had lost a lot of weight, the vet was able to examine him well and found a tumor the size of a fist in his stomach cavity. It's bad news. He is giving hum an antibiotic cure for ten days to see if it will cure the diarrhea. If so, we wait and see what happens next, although it will probably return. If the antibiotics don't work, I have to make the final decision. The one where I say, it has been enough and I have the vet put him to sleep. This is the fourth time in 3 months time that he has bad diarrhea and it is getting worse every time. Sometimes it's only liquid that comes out. His intestines are starting to stick to the tumor.

I'm taking this very hard, but somehow am amazingly calm about it. I realize that whatever time I have with Jesker now, has to be quality time and I have to make sure that I bond with him as much as I can, while I can.

I, on the other hand, am as fit as a fiddle. Contrary to what the nurse of my GP had me believe, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there was really no reason at all for me to go in and see him this afternoon. One of the values of my thyroid hormones was high, but that is only a concern if another value had been high also and that is not the case, so it is functioning just fine. All the other results came back normal. I do not have an infection, or cancer, or a liver dysfunction, or anemia. Everything is perfectly fine. It is with a great deal of relief that I heard this, especially after hearing Jesker's bad news.

So, whatever is going on with me, is purely psychological and must be found in my emotional functioning or malfunctioning. Well, I am a rapid cycling manic depressive, so I go through these extremes of moods and it seems that the medicines I take don't prevent it from happening. Therefor I am seriously beginning to question the use of some of my medications and want to discuss with my psychiatrist the continuation of them. It seems I am no better of with them and may be even worse of in the long run. I don't see myself taking these huge doses of medicines for the rest of my life. Some changes need to be made.

It just snowed very hard for about an hour, so we have a new layer of snow, which will hopefully melt tomorrow when it is supposed to be 4C and raining. I have an appointment with my SPN at 10 am and I do intend to keep it. I'm bound and determined to go. I will walk there.

I rediscovered my long black cardigan that's very warm and that has a collar and two buttons at the front. I'm wearing it over a stretch T-shirt and my Turkish pants. I'm also wearing my red necklace with it. I look very decent.

Someone asked me when I'm going to get rid of my toad picture that's my blog template right now. I guess it is time for me to find another one. You know, I'll gladly do it, if I can find something else that's equally good. I'll have a good look around and see what I can come up with. For those of you who don't like change, you are allowed to raise your voice in protest. It may fall on deaf ears, though.

I act very tough now, but I'm not in the least. When the time comes, things will be very difficult. I don't know how I'm going to live through it yet.

Have a good evening.

Ciao!

12 comments:

Twain12 said...

i'm so sorry about Jesker. I been there a few times and know how hard it is :(, Your new page is pretty but i didn't mind the other one either. Sending you a big hug and lots of love.

Babaloo said...

So sorry to hear about poor old Jesker! There's really not much I can say, except that enjoying your time with him now is the right thing to do. You're taking care of him very well and he knows that!


Oh, and glad to hear the GP didn't find anything wrong with you! xxx

Maggie May said...

Really sorry about poor Jesker. I think you know what you have to do.

Get the toad back......... Norah!

Nuts in May

Leslie said...

Very sad about Jesker. I'm a dog lover and as my Lou gets older, it seems inevitable that something is going to happen sooner than later. Rather than fixate now when nothing is wrong, I just love him to death every minute. It sounds like your head is in the right place about it. Will be hoping for a respite of symptoms for him and peace for you!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. So sad about Jesker. Well I think you have been expecting that this was coming. He has obviously been very ill at times over the last few months. The mass in his stomach must have been making him feel very low for some while. Remember that ending his suffering is an act of love too.

Maybe you do need a meds shake up. Most people on psychiatric meds need to keep changing them every so often as the brain adjusts to them over time. So if what you are on now is no longer as effective as it was then changing things round a bit could be the answer. But of course it's also very destabilising for a while too.

But great that you are otherwise totally healthy.

I like the new template. It's a good colour, muted yet strong.

Dear friend, I know how much pain you must be in over Jesker. But you have given him a wonderful life, full of love and companionship. When he goes, "It is his time".

Much Love,
Bearfriend xx

Gail said...

You will know when the time is right, for you and for Jesker.

My thoughts are with you.

Cheryl said...

I feel so sad for you Irene. Jesker is a like a member of the family and has been your buddy throughout the the good, the bad and the ugly. I like that you are taking extra time to bond with him, that will bring you both comfort. When the time comes, you will know. He knows how much you adore him.

I don't think going off your medication is a good idea, but you know that. Ultra Rapid Cycling Bi Polar is why you need to be on medication for the rest of your life. You may not "hear" me now, but when you are not on your medication, you crash very quickly. I would do anything so you could avoid that crash. Perhaps it is time to shift the meds. around some and adjust to your current emotional level.
Take care of yourself!
XXXXXXX

Wisewebwoman said...

GSW:
Here is a poem which has helped me every single time I've been faced with a decision such as yours:
-----------------------------------
Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is
more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your
hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more
quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as
you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep
falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside... for I am now a
domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements... and I ask
no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside
the hearth... though had you no home, I would rather follow you
through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the
warmest home in all the land... for you are my god... and I am your
devoted worshiper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not
reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst.
Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do
your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and
able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me
of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me
gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of
eternal rest...and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I
drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands

Much love to you and Jesker from Ansa
and me
XO
WWW

pinklea said...

I'm so very sorry about Jesker, Nora. I know how much you love each other and this is soooooooo difficult. I know you have always taken wonderful care of him and that you will continue to do that as best you can as long as you can. Many cyberhugs to both of you - and I'm very glad that you're in great shape. xoxo

Elaine said...

I'm so sorry to hear the news about Jesker. Sending you a big hug. xxx

VioletSky said...

I am glad you are healthy. Your energy will return - maybe with the spring weather?
Sorry to hear Jesker is so poorly. His body may be failing him, but he has been well loved...

btw, I preferred your toad template (too bad you couldn't just change the animal picture)

Maureen said...

Oh I am so sorry to read this... and my apologies for being away for a few days. I dread the day we all have to make decisions like this.

Take care,