Being less greedy...

I've found out tonight that drinking coffee from a small cup is really a good idea. I had to grab the smaller cup because all the bigger mugs are dirty and I haven't washed the dishes yet. I'm being lazy and wasn't planning on doing them until today. 

So I had to grab the small cup and drink my coffee from it and come to find out, it really is better because now I finish my coffee before it gets a chance to get cold, so obviously, this is exactly the amount of coffee I should be drinking all at once. 

I had gotten greedy and started thinking like an American in that bigger must be better, so more must be also, not realizing that I was half the time drinking cold coffee or tossing out the bottom third. 

Besides, big mugs have really become the rigmarole over here and it's hard to find a little one. I think you have to make a special effort to. 

I think I will now make it a point not to ask other people to buy me coffee mugs as a present, but to always be on the look out for cups that are on the small size myself.

That is on the rare occasions that I enter a store which sells household goods, which is rarely. I really have to go out of my way to do that. I lack an enormous amount of curiosity and money to go do that. 

I know that if I enter one, there will be all sorts of things that I'll want to buy. The displays will be enticing and my natural woman's instinct to want to spend money will immediately jump to the surface.

Since I'm the keeper of the finances, and solely responsible for them, I know which money can be spend and it can't go to frivolous things. There can be no self indulgence. 

Besides, I'm trying to make my life less cluttered and for each item that would enter it, something else would have to go. I also don't want any knick knacks. They would just clutter the place up and be more things to dust and keep in place. 

As it is now, I have to remove obsolete make up from the bathroom shelf because I'm probably never going to use it. I put it there in the hope that I would feel so feminine one day that I would, but it's a lost cause. 

I'm not going to use blusher or nail polish or lipstick, no matter which color it is in, so they can all go in my make up bag, which in itself is really obsolete. I never use any of the make up and the mascara will dry up one of these days and I'll end up having to toss it out.

It will be a fine day when I've taken several trash bags and have gone through the apartment and have gotten rid of things that I no longer have a need for. That will be a very liberating thing to do. One of these days the mood will strike me. 

Have a great Sunday!

Ciao,

Nora

It's too early to go to bed.

Well, you all know that I slept well last night, don't you? I mean, I was up for a little while, but I went back to bed and slept until a decent hour and I did go to sleep early the night before. But guess what happened today? I napped and napped and wasted the whole day on the sofa. This tiredness just takes me by surprise and before I know it, I'm asleep again. I get over it at the end of the day and get my energy back at around 5 pm. That's when I come back to life, just as it is getting dark outside and I have to walk the dog. I'm fine the rest of the evening and am not the least bit sleepy until I go to bed, because I look forward to the coziness of it, but tonight I'm not looking forward to going to bed, because last night was such a struggle with those night sweats and the pain in my arm. I don't have good associations with going to bed now and I'm postponing it.

I guess I slept long enough, but not pleasant enough. The night sweats are the most uncomfortable thing, though. They really wake me up and I have to get out of bed and cool off. I'm really starting to dislike my bed. I'm going to stay up late tonight and sleep on the sofa and see if I have the same problem when I sleep there. I'm going to take the back cushions off the sofa and make more room for myself to lie down. I've been having these night sweats since last summer and I thought it was because of the heat, but I guess I was wrong and as far as I know, I am not in the menopause anymore, so that's not it either.

For some strange reason, my regular telephone has started working again without me changing the batteries. I haven't done a thing to it but take the batteries out and put them back in and unplug the cable and plug it back in again. It's a mystery to me. That leaves me undecided if I should keep it or not. First I need to find out how much of my all in one package are telephone costs. I'll have to call about that and be put on hold forever and have to listen to inane music while the call is costing me money. That ticks me off, but that's how it's done nowadays. I'm sure it's the same in your country. Whoever decided on that policy is a rip off artist. Some calls cost as much as 45 cents a minute. But anyway, my phone is working again and at least I didn't go out and buy a new one, though if I do keep my regular phone, I still may go out and buy a new one, because I'm not very fond of this one, as it has such a shape, that I cut people off with my cheekbone and I don't have especially pointy cheekbones.

My dog has decided it is bedtime and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom and that is where the cats are too. So you see, they do have their habits and they aren't always dependent on what I do.

I walked the dog at 9:30 tonight and all the slush had frozen over again and it was very slippery out there. I'm amazed by the fact that I have not slipped and fallen yet, because last year I fell three times. I'm being very careful, though, and I'm wearing different boots that may make a difference. These may have a little bit more grip. I worry about breaking a bone and lying there helplessly with the dog. He's not a St Bernard, after all. Or Lassie who will run and get help.

I have no interest in my household. I do the barest of necessities and wait for the moment when things are just about to get out of hand, so that I will very quickly get them back under control again only to return to my previous indifference. That's the state of affairs. It's no way to run a place, but that's the way I'm getting by right now. I dump things in the trash and rinse out dishes and empty ashtrays and pick things up and move them, but that's about it. I don't really feel depressed, but I feel physically tired all the time and not up to expending the energy. I thought I would feel better now that I'm taking the vitamin pills every day, but I'm not. I marvel at my sister who gets so much done in one day's time. I used to be like that too.

The dog missed me and has come to lie down beside me on the area rug, which is not the most comfortable place to sleep. He's such a loyal dog. At least I've got him, even if I've got nobody else.

Well, it's late enough now. I'm going to get my pajamas on and have something to eat and take my medicines. Then I'll make myself cozy on the sofa with my book. I am looking forward to that. I hope I have a good night's sleep and that I will feel fantastic in the morning. I'm going to try and sleep all through the night. With a little bit of luck I should make it.

Sleep tight, everyone!

Ciao,
Nora

When you want to...

I ended up making three prototype drawings for paintings that I wanted to make and took them all to creative therapy this morning and had the therapist pick out the one she thought I should make first. She picked out the giraffe in the jungle by moonlight, which was kind of my favorite too, so that's the one I started to work on. I had a lot of fun painting the sky and the grass and getting a lot of paint on myself, which I subsequently had to rub off with a scrub sponge and warm soapy water. I do make a mess of myself. That's how much I enjoy the process.

Of course, we had to take a coffee break, which I undergo reluctantly, and I dutifully drink my espresso and smoke my two cigarettes and socialize until it is time to get back to work. The morning goes by too quickly and I would like it to last twice as long and get much more work done, because I don't feel the least bit bored yet when it is time to go. I could easily put in another two hours. But maybe that would be too much effort and that might not be good for us in the long run. I suppose we have to quit while it is still fun and not when we're exhausted. Isn't that the way it goes with all things that you enjoy? At least I have something to look forward to on Friday.

I got home to a very happy Jesker, who is very much his old self again, but who had to wait for me to walk him while I sat down and drank a tall glass of fruit juice. I needed that for quick energy after having eaten three good cookies in the morning. He very loyally laid down by my feet, looking up at me all the while to see when I would be finished and ready to go.

After I walked him, it was time to go see my psychiatrist at the same place where my SPN has her office and that is only a ten minute bike ride away from here. It is just far enough to bother me, but the end destination is good and safe, and that makes up for the inconvenience of having to go there. The offices are before you get to downtown, so I miss the worst of the traffic, though I do have to cross a very busy intersection that always causes me anxiety, but I rode my bike very slowly and tried not to get nervous about the whole process.

I told my psychiatrist about my agoraphobia and instead of giving me a solution to it (ha, ha, as if he has a magic wand) he said it is good to have coping strategies for as long as it lasts and to ponder over the problem carefully and slowly and to not try to come up with an answer to the reason for the problem overnight. That these things take time to think about and come to a solution to and that an answer to them may not always be found. The most important thing is to develop coping mechanisms so that you can adjust your life to take this particular problem into account. When he said that, a big sigh of relief escaped from my body, because I had felt a lot of pressure to solve the problem, when I reality I had already been working on the coping strategies. I feel like I'm not doomed now and that, within my limits, I can still function as normally as possible. I will just consider this a big time out from a lot of things and in the meantime give thought to why it is so difficult to do them with the help of my SPN, without feeling the pressure to solve the problem overnight.

He agreed to my increase in the tranquilizers, as long as I don't numb my feelings to the point that I don't have to pay attention to them anymore, which would excuse me from trying to do anything about them. I assured him that I was not to that point.

On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy to get my thyroid medicine, which was easy, because I didn't have to make a detour and for this month I have all my medication. It's always quite a job to get it all taken care of and to have enough of everything at home, because some are given for a month and some are given for three months and there's always a kink in the cable somewhere because of miscommunication.

When I got home, I ate some lunch and sat down on the sofa, but sitting down became lying down and I slept for two and a half hours, even though I had slept well the night before. It's all part of the pattern and normally I would be depressed at this time of the year, except that now I'm not because of my medication, but I still show some depression like symptoms.

I don't have my household under control right now, but I'm not very concerned about it and I know that a few hours of work will set it right. I just have to put in those few hours, but have not found the motivation or energy to do it. So I just sort of muddle through. I do the dishes and the laundry and I tidy up, but the real cleaning drops by the wayside. The one thing I don't want is those people over the floor again that have me make a schedule and don't help me with the work. What a waste of time and manpower that was.

Tomorrow is my day off and I hope to be able to sleep in. Jesker will allow it, because he sleeps as late as I do.

That was my day and it is almost over. I feel alright, because I'm safe at home and it is evening and nothing can happen now. I have to close the blinds and put on my pajamas. It will be nice to sit here a while longer until I get tired again.

Have a good night,

Nora.

Obviously...

Well, it must be obvious to all of you that I write these posts to avoid doing one thing, and one thing only, and that is housework, because it is waiting for me and I find all sorts of excuses, short of glue on the computer chair, not to get up from here. I would say we have a case of serious household neglect here, but believe me, things aren't as bad as I make them sound and an hour's worth of work will set everything right. My household is never in as dire straights as it was when I was depressed and couldn't be bothered at all, and I do like to pretend that I'm not bothered one bit now and can wait it out.

Saturday, my friend Joost is coming, so Friday afternoon, I'm planning on doing most of the work, including mopping the living room floor. I'm not seeing my friend Von on Friday, because she has other plans in another part of the country, so I'll have the whole afternoon off. In a way, I'm happy about this, because it fits better with my schedule, so I can do some grocery shopping on Saturday morning and change the bed then.

Because I walked the dog so late this morning, and we went quite a distance, he is still sound asleep on his blanket and gone from this world, oblivious to everything. I was kind of hoping that he would be awake by now, but I suppose I will have to wait a while before we go on our next trek. I want to do it before it seriously starts to rain again, which it is supposed to later on today, I think. And me without a raincoat! I'll wear my jeans jacket.

Toby just managed to make clear to me that the kibbles that were left in the bowl were stale and that I had to pour those out and put in new ones. That's quite an achievement for a cat. He hardly gave me time to pour the new kibbles in, that's how hungry he was. The poor cat. Sometimes my mind is not quite on things the way they should be and the animals have to make themselves quite clear to me.

Toby eats first and then Gandhi eats, that's the hierarchy in this place. Toby is the dominant cat. That's the way he walks around here too, with a sense of ownership, if he could strut, he would, he is cool. Gandhi is just a lovely female cat with a lovable personality. She is very affectionate and thinks the world of Toby, but she has a healthy amount of respect for him. He gave her a short beating once to let her know who was boss and that was it. The hierarchy was established and has remained so ever since.

Despite my efforts at cooling the apartment down, it never gets cooler here than 24 degrees Celsius, even when it is 18 outside. Maybe I shouldn't complain about that, because it is rather a nice temperature. The walls seem to trap the heat.

Oh, guess who just woke up? Yes, His Highness himself. He hasn't quite made up his mind what he wants yet and is rolling around on the floor. Any minute now he will know what he wants and come ask for it. I guess becoming fully awake takes a while.

It is raining a little bit now, but not enough to keep us from walking. It will keep doing this for the rest of the day, probably. That's been forecast. I don't mind it too much, because it means it's cooler outside and I like that. That's why I'm not going to mind Autumn, as long as it doesn't bring sleet and wet snow.

Well, Jesker let himself out and came back in very proudly demanding a snack as a reward. I guess that's how the system works when the back door is open. No doubt he'll really have to go out shortly, because he only piddles there and does none of his other business out back. He is a very hygienic dog.

I bought chocolate granola bars at the store, and although I'm eating them. I don't like them very much, because they are much too sweet. I am going to finish the box and never buy them again. I think they must pack most of those kinds of foods with lots of sugar to make it appetizing to kids, because thatś the market it is geared for. I was royally disappointed, because I was expecting something more crunchy and wholesome, instead of something so soft and sweet.

Most of those "healthy" in between snacks are loaded with sugar and very fattening, even though they claim to be low in fat. You may just as well buy a box of ordinary cookies, or wheat biscuits, which are excellent with a cup of tea. There's nothing better than dunking your biscuit in a cup of hot sugared tea. Does anybody know the joys of that anymore? That's what we had when we were kids and we came home from school. Your mother at home waiting with a pot of hot tea on a tea cozy and a box of biscuits and an apple to take outside when you went to play with all the other kids in the neighborhood.

His Highness has gone back to sleep. I don't know what to make of it. He is laying here beside me without a care in the world. I guess that's what you do when you are a 12 year old dog. You sleep a lot. It's raining harder now, so maybe it is just as well.

Well, now I will do a little bit of housework, just enough to satisfy the Household Gods that must be kept happy. First, I must eat something.

Cheerio...

A Pretty Lazy Saturday.

Is it my imagination, or am I having many lazy days lately? Please tell me that it's my imagination, because I would hate to go through life as a not diligent Dutch housewife. I mean I do do the odd job in the apartment now and then and I do take very good care of myself. That ought to account for something, should it not? I am always well put together, the fact that the Queen can't come over for tea at the spur of the moment should not be held against me.

I am striving to follow in the footsteps of my late sister in law who was not a great housewife, but an immensely interesting woman to hang out with and whom I loved dearly. She was always in the mood for any sort of conversation and no subject was taboo, and she had a good sense of humor too and she was very emancipated. Can you think of a better role model? The fact that she didn't scrub her kitchen sink on a daily basis didn't seem so important. She wasn't married to her house.

Anyway, I sort of wiled away the hours doing many mostly unimportant things, though once in a while something mattered quite by accident. Like spontaneously and unplanned cleaning up the kitchen to the point that the counters were free and clean. And going through my mail and throwing away everything that was unimportant and non threatening. And picking up heaps of dog and cat hair that had bunched up together under the furniture. That will be the bane of me yet.

I took a spontaneous nap on the sofa, because I was suddenly overcome by sleepiness in the middle of the day and fell sleep with the TV on, watching a very interesting program about the Holocaust Museum that was built by the same architect who got the commission to build the memorial at Ground Zero.I can't think of his name now. Just a minute...Daniel Libeskind. It's a shame that I missed most of the program, because it was very good. I find daytime television on the weekends to be very interesting with lots of good documentaries and good interview shows.

When I'm not behind the computer, I find that I turn the TV on for company and quite accidentally watch some good programs that way. I fall asleep with it on during the night, turned down low, and sometimes what's on TV becomes part of my dream.They are mostly reruns of the news, so by osmosis I am very well informed.

I made a short shopping list and with rain threatening, I rode my bike to the super market. Luckily, it wasn't too busy and I was done in no time and even remembered to buy a new electronic lighter, because the other kind of lighters always stop working when they are still half full. How is that for optimism? It's actually quite a rip off when you have to dispose of a disposable lighter that's still half full. I tried matches, but the striking surface on the box isn't what it used to be and is only there for decorative purposes.

Just when I had loaded up my bike and started to ride it out of the parking lot, it started to rain really hard and I thought, "Oh, what the heck, you have short hair, it will be dry in no time," and I pedaled home as quickly as I could, not encountering too much traffic, which was good, because I would not have put on my brakes for anyone.Just as I got home, the rain stopped. It was a joke of Mother Nature, she has a good sense of humor. She is always testing my willingness to brave the elements and to see how hardy I am, to see if I'm made of the right stuff to be called a Dutch woman.

I bough ten liters of milk and I hope they last me a while, but knowing how fast I go through milk, it will be gone in no time. The animals in all their curiosity came to help me unpack the groceries and found out to their disgust that there was nothing special for them, except for an empty shopping bag for Toby to climb in. My shopping bag is from the Socialist Party, so people can see my political preference up front. I never think about it when I go out with it and I guess I do make a statement, but it is really no big deal. It's not an in your face sort of thing. Tolerance reigns.

If I didn't vote socialist, I would vote for the Green party, because their attitude is right and they make humorous commercials that get their point of view across exactly. Unluckily, they don't stand a chance of winning enough votes in an election, although out of principle I am on their side. The socialist party is a very serious contender and should have been in this coalition government, but the Christian Democrats would not govern with them and left them out in the cold, which is not how the people voted.

So, we're stuck with this government of Christian jackasses for now, which is a real shame and gave us an unworthy prime minister who is a man without authority and leadership. An embarrassment to the country. That's not the worst of it. You would not believe the clowns who have started their own political parties and movements and who are being taken every seriously. It scares me! They are getting too much attention from the press.

I never knew I was such a political creature until I came back to the Netherlands and gained the right to vote. I never miss the news now and am always on the look out for the ridiculous and the ostensible stupidity that the system brings with it. I think politicians need to be sat on and watched like hawks, unless you have a person of great integrity whom you intrinsically trust.

In the meanwhile, peace and serenity rule in the apartment. The cats are very quietly moving around doing catlike things, such as investigating nooks and crannies that they know by heart, but are apparently worth having another look at. The Überhund is sound asleep by my feet. He told me earlier that he was hungry, so we fixed that problem. He really tries to tell me what he specifically wants and hopes I guess the right thing by his general stand and bark. We usually figure it out pretty quickly, but I don't know which one of us is the smart one.

I am planning on staying up late and sleeping late in the morning, but you know about good intentions. They do fall by the wayside. All I need to do is put my pajamas on and get on that sofa and I will be sleeping before you know it. I am hoping on some good entertainment from the TV, maybe that will help.

Here are some more photographs from the Exfactor.




Have a very good evening and wish for lots of sunshine for tomorrow.

Ciao...