Monday, September 28, 2009
The early morning...
I woke up to the same scene this morning as I did yesterday. The dog and Gandhi on the pillow and Toby next to me on the bed, very cozily, and I hate to upset the idyllic little scene, because everybody thinks they need to get up when I do. The cats think I will do interesting things in the kitchen, which I do, because if their milk dish is empty, or if the milk has gone sour, they get new milk straight from the refrigerator and they love that. The dog wants a treat, but he only gets one if he has gone out back for a piddle, so he does a small one to satisfy me and then gets his treat and goes back to sleep. I should know by now that this is our routine, but every morning the animals need to remind me that this is what we do. Well, I can't be expected to perform flawlessly first thing in the morning. I need to have some coffee first.
Yesterday afternoon, at around 3 o'clock, the same feelings of loathing and despair started sneaking up on me as they had the day before. I tried to outwit them for a while, but realized that I needed to go to sleep. I laid down on the sofa in a meditative position and closed my eyes and tuned out everything around me and inside of me and very soon afterwards, I fell asleep and slept for nearly two hours. I felt much better when I woke up, but I felt that I could have slept more, and later in the evening fell asleep watching TV. When I woke up, I took my medication and went straight to bed and slept until 4 o'clock this morning.
I think I need to remember that it is this time of year again, when I always have a harder time and I'm a little bit crazier than I am the rest of the time. It's when the leaves start changing color and start falling from the trees when I do, the same as I do when in the springtime the leaves start coming on the trees. Those are my crazy periods and my father had them too. It is more noticeable now that I live in a country with four seasons, where before in California I don't remember being so aware of that. I think my crazy periods were more haphazard, though they may have been seasonably bound, but I don't remember, because, like everything in my past, it is all very fuzzy and hard to recall.
I do know, for instance, that traveling to the United States makes me depressed and traveling back to Europe makes me hypo manic. That has something to do with the time difference, so I don't like traveling to the States, because I arrive there feeling very down and unable to get over it for the relatively short time that I'm there. When I get back to Europe, I'm full of energy and I have no jet lag and can adjust to the local time with no effort at all. I hate to disappoint my daughter by not going there, but that is the real reason. I'm not much fun when I'm depressed and I feel like a ball and chain around her leg, unable to cheer myself up, try as I might.
That's just a bit of information I thought I'd throw in gratuitously. The rhythm of the days and nights, and the hours of daylight, make such a difference in your mood. If you are susceptible to that. I being a Northern European am. By all rights I should be going into hibernation now, or moving to a sunny southern country. Many Northern Europeans move to Spain in the wintertime, especially people who live in Scandinavia where it really gets dark in winter.
Shortly we're going to have daylight saving time and that is really going to throw me for a loop. It will get so dark so early in the afternoon and I will always get up much too early in the morning. It will take a while before I get used to that. I wish we'd do away with it altogether, but I am just a lonely voice who can't make a difference. If there were a petition, I would sign it, but would it stand a chance?
Well. that's all very well, but now I have to get dressed and get the show on the road. I have creative therapy this morning and I'm going to be working on my third painting. The second one is done and I need to get the first two home with the help of my sister and her car. I can't transport them by bike. The wind will catch them and blow them to smithereens, that is if I were to take them one at the time.
Have a good morning. No doubt you will see me here again later today. I have an award to give away.