When you want to...

I ended up making three prototype drawings for paintings that I wanted to make and took them all to creative therapy this morning and had the therapist pick out the one she thought I should make first. She picked out the giraffe in the jungle by moonlight, which was kind of my favorite too, so that's the one I started to work on. I had a lot of fun painting the sky and the grass and getting a lot of paint on myself, which I subsequently had to rub off with a scrub sponge and warm soapy water. I do make a mess of myself. That's how much I enjoy the process.

Of course, we had to take a coffee break, which I undergo reluctantly, and I dutifully drink my espresso and smoke my two cigarettes and socialize until it is time to get back to work. The morning goes by too quickly and I would like it to last twice as long and get much more work done, because I don't feel the least bit bored yet when it is time to go. I could easily put in another two hours. But maybe that would be too much effort and that might not be good for us in the long run. I suppose we have to quit while it is still fun and not when we're exhausted. Isn't that the way it goes with all things that you enjoy? At least I have something to look forward to on Friday.

I got home to a very happy Jesker, who is very much his old self again, but who had to wait for me to walk him while I sat down and drank a tall glass of fruit juice. I needed that for quick energy after having eaten three good cookies in the morning. He very loyally laid down by my feet, looking up at me all the while to see when I would be finished and ready to go.

After I walked him, it was time to go see my psychiatrist at the same place where my SPN has her office and that is only a ten minute bike ride away from here. It is just far enough to bother me, but the end destination is good and safe, and that makes up for the inconvenience of having to go there. The offices are before you get to downtown, so I miss the worst of the traffic, though I do have to cross a very busy intersection that always causes me anxiety, but I rode my bike very slowly and tried not to get nervous about the whole process.

I told my psychiatrist about my agoraphobia and instead of giving me a solution to it (ha, ha, as if he has a magic wand) he said it is good to have coping strategies for as long as it lasts and to ponder over the problem carefully and slowly and to not try to come up with an answer to the reason for the problem overnight. That these things take time to think about and come to a solution to and that an answer to them may not always be found. The most important thing is to develop coping mechanisms so that you can adjust your life to take this particular problem into account. When he said that, a big sigh of relief escaped from my body, because I had felt a lot of pressure to solve the problem, when I reality I had already been working on the coping strategies. I feel like I'm not doomed now and that, within my limits, I can still function as normally as possible. I will just consider this a big time out from a lot of things and in the meantime give thought to why it is so difficult to do them with the help of my SPN, without feeling the pressure to solve the problem overnight.

He agreed to my increase in the tranquilizers, as long as I don't numb my feelings to the point that I don't have to pay attention to them anymore, which would excuse me from trying to do anything about them. I assured him that I was not to that point.

On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy to get my thyroid medicine, which was easy, because I didn't have to make a detour and for this month I have all my medication. It's always quite a job to get it all taken care of and to have enough of everything at home, because some are given for a month and some are given for three months and there's always a kink in the cable somewhere because of miscommunication.

When I got home, I ate some lunch and sat down on the sofa, but sitting down became lying down and I slept for two and a half hours, even though I had slept well the night before. It's all part of the pattern and normally I would be depressed at this time of the year, except that now I'm not because of my medication, but I still show some depression like symptoms.

I don't have my household under control right now, but I'm not very concerned about it and I know that a few hours of work will set it right. I just have to put in those few hours, but have not found the motivation or energy to do it. So I just sort of muddle through. I do the dishes and the laundry and I tidy up, but the real cleaning drops by the wayside. The one thing I don't want is those people over the floor again that have me make a schedule and don't help me with the work. What a waste of time and manpower that was.

Tomorrow is my day off and I hope to be able to sleep in. Jesker will allow it, because he sleeps as late as I do.

That was my day and it is almost over. I feel alright, because I'm safe at home and it is evening and nothing can happen now. I have to close the blinds and put on my pajamas. It will be nice to sit here a while longer until I get tired again.

Have a good night,

Nora.