Singlehandedly lucid...

I've downed my first cup of coffee as quickly as I could and now I'm drinking the second one at a more normal rate. I wanted to inhale the first one quickly so as to become clearheaded as soon as I could. I was slightly discombobulated when I got up and not completely in charge of all my faculties. Yet compelled to stay up I was anyway after having gone to the toilet and having let the dog out back. 

The cold night air did help a bit and it was great to stand by the back door in my pajamas. I purposely stood with the door wide open so I would get extra chilled. It was all the more pleasant to put my bathrobe on afterwards. But it's the coffee that's really waking me up as usual. The caffeine cleared all the cobwebs from my mind. 

For a change I made the coffee somewhat strong again and I must say that I appreciate the punch it's carrying. It's like having someone rattle your brain in a very pleasant but assertive way. I had forgotten that about strong coffee. I'm almost instantly carried to a higher plane by the caffeine. It's elevating my thinking capacities and putting me in a good mood. 

Actually, my mood was good enough when I woke up. It's not that I got up on the wrong side of the bed. I very seldom do that anymore. Mostly I'm a mild mannered woman when I wake up. Only rarely do I feel grumpy and that's easily remedied. I'm not the volatile woman I used to be, full of emotions and always on a roller coaster. I seldom take that ride anymore and if I do get on it, I get off as quickly as I can. 

But a contented person is a boring person and that's probably why these posts are not so very interesting anymore. I very seldom have anything earth shattering to report. I don't run into huge problems and don't on a daily basis spill all the beans like I used to. I feel that I mostly write for my own sake to keep a daily record of what I do. It's like writing in a diary and every once in a while I can look back on the days that have passed. 

The weekend went by very quickly and I hardly know where the time went. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but the hours sped by. I did the odd chore, walked the dog, took some naps and that was about it. I didn't even read like I had planned to. All I did was enjoy some 'Far Side' cartoons. I have a collection of them. I look at them every now and then and am always amused. They put an evil grin on my face. 

I'm glad it is Monday now and the week will be properly started. I'm ready for some action. The days of being lazy are over. But first I've got to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. The night's not nearly over yet, even though I'm already prepared to start the day. It's a little premature I think. 

I hope you're all sleeping tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

The perfect blog post...

It's better to pretend to act like you know what the ingredients are to a perfect blog post and then to go ahead and try to write one. I have sat here quite a few times and tried to figure it out, but I've not come up with an answer yet. At least not with one that works for me, although I am aware of the fact how some other people do it. 

I'll just keep plodding along in my own peculiar way and make the best of it. I keep telling myself that it's also for my own sake that I write these posts because they act like a diary for me and in it I record my life. Maybe some people will find it interesting enough to also read. I can't figure it out from the statistics. They are a mystery to me. 

I got woken up by the dog who, in an effort to get my attention, licked my face all over because he had to go out and he was in a hurry. I stood by the back door in the very cool air and looked at the stars in the clear night sky. I appreciated the sight of them and the fact that there were no clouds to hide them. Of course, that's what made it so nice and crisp outside. 

The dog came in just when I was sufficiently cooled down and I made my way to the kitchen to make some coffee. I'm always amazed at how quickly the machine turns out a pot. While I waited, I turned on the computer and checked my emails of which there were only a few. At least I don't get spam, which is a huge relief. It can make your in box look very full for naught. 

I can sleep late in the morning, though I haven't done so lately because I don't take the tranquilizers any more at night. It's made a big difference in how early I get up and how well I do that first hour. I'm not in a comatose condition that I have to recuperate from with several cups of coffee. I'm in a functioning state pretty quickly. 

I always made the assumption that I was an especially slow starter, but now I turn out to not really be one. Neither am I flying high during the night. I'm completely sober during these hours that I'm up and I distinctly remember being not so. 

I've got to think about which clothes I'm going to wear today, although over everything I wear my warm, gray, oversized cardigan when I'm inside. That's because the windows are still open and I won't turn on the heater yet. I also wear one of my cotton scarfs to keep the draft off my neck. I do like to be toasty warm. I dread the thought of winter. 

There, I wrote this post strictly for my own sake. Well, I did keep you readers in mind a little bit. 

It's time for me to go back to my warm bed. I've got to sleep just a little while longer. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight...

What better time to sit down and write a post than at midnight when everybody else has gone to bed and the neighborhood is silent and the world around me seems to be at peace? That is, my own little piece of the world. I'm well aware of the fact that the world at large is not at peace at all, but I don't want to depress myself by thinking about how much of this is actually true, so I'll skip over that whole discussion and stick to my own little corner of it. I feel quite helpless at the moment to do anything about the world's larger problems and conflicts. Well, I usually do. I find recycling hard enough to do.

I napped a lot today. This was to offset yesterday when I didn't nap as much and was busy doing chores and other important things. It was also to make up for that half a night of sleep I missed. I napped in the morning, the afternoon and the evening on the sofa with the TV on for company. I'm quite good at sleeping with the TV on and incorporate the sound into my dreams. Of course, it's not normal the amount of sleeping I do during the day. I seem to exist in a constant state of sleepiness, but I blame that on the medications and you all know my decision about those.

It seems to me that sometimes I am more than frank in my posts and afterwards it bothers me to no end that I was. I think there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself and maybe sometimes I cross the line. I seem to get into a delirium and unload whatever is on my mind, however intimate my thoughts are. I don't delete these posts afterwards, because by then I have usually already received comments on them and it seems cowardly to pretend that I haven't written them. That's the danger of blogging like you write a diary. You put your thoughts out there and hope for the best, but I have yet to receive a nasty remark and I owe that to the kindness of my readers.

My own discomfort, though, does want me to moderate my words, but I know in the end that I will share my life with you again when I feel the need to unload, because I find that writing about it here is after all the best therapy. It helps me put my thoughts in order and get my priorities straight.

-------------------

In the meantime it is morning, because I had to go to sleep after I wrote all of the above. I'm having my first cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine. Definitely worthy of a repeat.

I seem to be filled with some amount of quiet despair and I have to try and find out where it comes from. I think it has to do with me going to quit my medications and the daunting task that is going to be, because I'm not at all naive enough to think it's going to be easy. I suppose what bothers me is that I have not had a chance to discuss this with my SPN and my psychiatrist and I won't be able to properly until March the 11th when I have an appointment with both of them together. I see my SPN before that, but only for a half hour appointment and I won't have much time to explain my point of view to her. That's always very frustrating.

I'm just thinking that I can send her an email explaining my take on things now, so that she will be prepared when she sees me on Tuesday. That may be a good idea, but even that fills me with a certain amount of dread, because how do you get such an idea across and sound sane and reasonable at the same time?

I've decided not to take the paracetamol with codeine anymore lest I get hooked on that. I was allowed to take it 4 times a day and was obediently popping those pills, but this morning I didn't take one. I will only take one if it is absolutely necessary and I don't think that it is right now. I won't take them just because I'm allowed to. I can just see me developing a problem with those pills. I did take all of my other medications and won't start reducing anything until I have properly discussed it with my psychiatrist. It's tempting to start now, but I won't do it.

I can breathe through my nose again and my throat is hardly sore. I'm really not coughing anymore, just occasionally, so I think I am much better. That antibiotic is working. As far as I'm concerned, I declare myself healed, though I will finish the antibiotic, of course.

Okay, I'm going to write that email now. I hope you all have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

I don't remember...

Yesterday is pretty much a blur to me. I know I spent a lot of time sleeping, either in my bed or on the sofa. It seemed like I could,'t get enough sleep and kept needing more. This normally signals a change in mood, but I haven't noticed anything different yet, although it is early in the morning still and I don't know what the day has in store for me. Early in the morning I am always the same basically upbeat person with a good outlook for the rest of the day and I usually sit here quite happy with my cups of coffee and my cigarettes. It's what happens afterwards that counts. After I've slept some more or not, and how I wake up from that extra sleep.

Yesterday morning I went back to bed, but was woken up prematurely by the Exfactor who came by for a cup of coffee, Needless to say, I was not immediately very talkative. I was still half a sleep and after he left I finished sleeping on the sofa and didn't wake up until 2 pm. Hey, I can't always be the life of the party! Although I will seldom be accused of that.

Basically what I did yesterday was walk the dog, eat, blog a little, sleep some more, and go to bed and some of those things I did several times. It was a very low energy day. Man, if anybody is into cycles, I certainly am. I seem to have very wide apart biorhythms. They don't seem to follow very smooth lines either, the way you see them so neatly on graphs.

The agendas arrived in the mail yesterday. It was great to see how they turned out and I am pleased with them. I'm sending the one for my daughter off in the mail on Monday, weather permitting, because we're expecting a lot of snow this weekend. It snowed during the night and there's a cold wind blowing too, which I felt when I let the dog out back for a piddle. Everywhere they're running out of salt to sprinkle the roads with and they've already used up their quota for this season. In all of Europe, salt is hard to come by. They'll have to order extra for next winter, because it seems like these are the kind of winters we are going to have now. It's all part of the climate change. Hot summers and cold winters. I do so need to live in a kinder climate. I'm sure a lot of you are saying the same thing.

I'm already looking forward to going back to bed for a while. That will be after I take my medicines and eat breakfast. Of course, I got up awfully early this morning. That is because of that pain in my arm and my hand. It disappears after I've been up for about half an hour, though the numbness in my pinkie and my ring finger stays longer. I'm sure it's a pinched nerve and there is not much that can be done about that.

There are times when I think that sleep is the most blessed thing of all. It's so very nice to be lying in your bed under the duvet and feel your whole body relax and get toasty warm. I want to have an extra blanket on the bed and I will look into that shortly, as soon as I get over my agoraphobia. Actually, a nice crocheted one would be the best for the weight and the warmth. I'm supposed to have an extra blanket somewhere. I'll have to dig in the closet and see if I can find it, but it's not really what I want. I'll have to go to one of the department stores to see if they have something useful.

I don't really miss sleeping beside someone's warm body, although it can be very cozy, but in the end I like my own space in bed. I like my covers all to myself and my own legroom. I also like not having to listen to somebody snore. Although I have been accused of snoring myself, but I think that's when I was heavier and had sleep apnea. All in all sleeping alone is nice, though, as long as your bedroom is cozy enough, which mine wasn't when I slept in the other room. That's when I had some trouble sleeping on my own in that single bed and preferred to sleep on the sofa.

Well, I'm off to eat breakfast. Some nice hot porridge to warm my insides. Have a wonderful day, all of you. Don't let the weather get you down too much.

Ciao,
Nora.

So early in the morning, tra la la...

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe and my slippers on being cold and it isn't really cold in here at all, it is just the suggestion of cold, because it is so cold and snowy outside. It's -6C and snowing and I just let Jesker out back for a piddle and it was freezing! Well, of course, it's -6C.

I haven't had enough sleep yet and shortly I will go back to bed, but I had to get up for a while and have some coffee and my cigarettes and sit here very cozily behind the computer, as is my habit in the morning. I went to bed late last night, because I wasn't paying attention to what time it was and it got away from me and before I knew it, it was late and past my bedtime. I like to be in bed by 10 o'clock at the latest, but it was well after 11 before I got under the covers last night. Then I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping. Well, I'm not, obviously, but I am going to take my medicines and have some breakfast first and then get back under the duvet. I'm looking forward to that already.

I got my card swap package all ready to go. I've put together quite a package of cards and papers, both old and new. I have a whole collection of old postcards that I could chose from and I picked out the prettiest ones. I also put in new cards and pretty papers to use for collages. This is the first time I have participated in a swap, so it is a whole new terrain for me and I have to figure out how to best do it. I'll see when I get my package how it's best done. I'm very curious to see what will be in it.

I think today I will get the photo agendas. I'm kind of counting on it. If I get them on time, I may be able to walk to the post office, if not, I will have to wait until next week. I have found out that walking somewhere is easier than riding my bike. I feel less vulnerable. I suppose that I feel like less of a target. There was a time when I used to walk into downtown several times a week. Maybe I will be able to do that again. I would take the bus, but it's too expensive. I could take the bus part of the way there and then walk the rest of the way. I'll see. Walking would be good for me.

I've gotten three mooched books in the mail in the past two days and have to find room for them on the bookcase. They are so nice looking and come from very caring owners. The kind that don't break the spine of a book. Toby has gotten in the habit of sleeping in the bottom cubicle of the bookcase behind a row of books. I keep empty envelopes there and he likes to sleep on top of them with the result that he knocks the books over. I will have to pack them in so tightly that he won't be able to do that anymore. Ha, there's a method to my madness. I like to pack the books in tightly, so they will stay in place, right on the edge and I won't have to dust there. Believe me, I always have a lot of dust and less than enough interest in dusting. Sometimes I get very industrious and move all the books and clean the whole bookcase, but that only happens a few times a year.

Well, now I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and go back to bed for a few more hours sleep. I feel in my bones that I need to do that. I will be full of happiness when I wake up again.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Thursday after much sleep...

I slept more than 8 hours last night, so there goes my nightlife. No getting up in the middle of the night and having adventures and cleaning house. No, no, I slept just like a regular person does. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think it's kind of boring, actually, but I'm sure it's very beneficial to my health.

I got up early enough to answer emails and have a relaxed cup of coffee before my sister came to pick me up to go grocery shopping. Oh yes, and to walk the poor dog, of course. It had snowed again, so it was much less slippery out and it was a pleasure to walk in the new snow and very picturesque. More snow is expected today and tomorrow too.

My sister and I drove into an almost empty parking lot when we got to the store. That meant some leisurely shopping could be done. You know what that means, don't you? That means you linger a bit and buy things you normally would not buy. Ah, but the damage was not to great after I had put all my groceries away and paid the bill.

After I came home and had given the cats their special treat that I had bought for them, and which they attacked with gusto, I ate my breakfast and went back to bed to sleep a few more hours. That felt very good.

You see how I'm back to needing extra sleep again. That one night of little sleep was just a blip on the radar. A minor hypomanic attack. I did get me out of my depression however and I feel ever so much better and not at all as downtrodden as I did a few days ago. I can actually say that I feel good now. I don't know if that has to do with my circumstances or with the chemicals in my head. Either way, I'm not falling off the earth anymore.

The Exfactor was here just a while ago and we had a minor political discussion about our prime minister and our minister of finance. The conclusion was that we didn't care for either one of them and then we discussed political parties and it turned out that we're both going to join the same one, except that The Exfactor still has to quit his current one, while I have already done that, although mine refused to believe it and kept sending me propaganda material. I think they have gotten the message now, though, and I haven't received anything for about a month or two.

And so it goes in my life, from high to low to in between. I guess I like the highs the best, although the in betweens are okay too. They're just not as exciting and I do like a little excitement in my life. If it doesn't happen naturally, I have to make it happen, but I can't think of any trouble I can get into safely at the moment. Financially I can think of all sorts of things, but I don't think that would be wise and I do have some common sense about me still.

I got word that the photo diaries have been sent to me already, so I'll be expecting them in the mail soon. Actually, they are agendas, I guess that's the proper word for them. I can't wait to see them. I hope they turned out as nice as I think they would. I took great care in choosing the photos, so I hope it is a success. If so, I'm going to do it again for next year, but then a little bit earlier. I waited too long to have these made.

I have to go and put my card swap package together. I bought some interesting cards and have lots of good cards here at home, so wish me luck.

Ciao,
Nora

A story in the middle of the night.

I woke up after I had been asleep for a few hours and got up, because I was wide awake. I don´t mind being awake in the middle of the night, because that´s when I feel best and I´m the least intimidated by life. I am also very clearheaded and I can think straight and as a result of that, I was able to write a story that I was supposed to write for an on line magazine that is going to be published on January the 15th, so I was cutting it close. I already knew the ending, so I just had to write the beginning and the middle of it. I´ll point you to it when it is published.

I was hoping that I would have enough energy to also clean up the kitchen, but I think I´m running out of steam now, unless I get my second wind any time soon, but I actually feel myself collapsing now. It´s a real shame, because I was going full steam ahead and I would have liked to keep going. I think if you´re yawning it´s a sign that you need to go back to sleep. My dog is very loyally asleep beside me and I think he would prefer to sleep on his pillow also. I don´t want to keep him from that pleasure too long.

I keep thinking about that photo diary I made and I can´t wait to receive in the mail. I´m so much looking forward to it. It has 29 photos in it, so that´s quite a bit. It will look splendid when I get it. It´s one point of sparkly bright light in my life. There will be others, I´m sure. Getting the story accepted as I wrote it and published will be another. I´m also involved in a card swap that is starting up now and I just found out which person I am matched up with. You swap any kind of card, post cards, playing cards, greeting cards, tarot cards, Christmas cards, business cards, home made cards, you name it. That´s another spark of light.

Well, I´m getting my second wind and the dog has moved to more comfortable quarters. I´m listening to some happy music, which goes to prove that being up in the middle of the night can be a very good thing. Maybe I will switch my 12 hour shifts around. I can pretend to have nothing to do with the daytime at all, but just let the dog out at regular intervals. Ha, if it were only that simple. I do have to go out now and then and forage for food and go see my SPN. But it really almost is that simple.

I have to wash my hair and condition it. It is very dry and sticking up all over the place. I look like a wild woman, which I am at heart. Just a very subdued wild woman. I will do that after I clean up the kitchen. Oh yes, I´m going to do that next. I will feel good once I have it done and that is good for my self esteem. I may even sweep the living room. Well, maybe. I mustn´t make myself to many promises. I get over courageous and then things don´t work out and I feel bad.

It´s -7C outside and foggy. That means no more new snow, but what there is, is freezing and getting slippery. It´s darn near dangerous to walk outside with how icy everything is getting. I vote for warmer temperatures and rain. I´m sure a lot of people are, except little kids with sleds and patient parents.

Alright. I´m off to clean the kitchen, wish me luck. I need it.

Ciao,
Nora

Well, shoot!

I'm not doing very well and I'm trying to find solutions to the problems I am facing. Now that my sister is back from Italy finally, I can do my grocery shopping with her again, so I don't have to face the horror of having to go to the store on my own. I'm going to see my SPN tomorrow on foot, because I think I will feel less vulnerable than when I go there by bike. I still have to walk the dog and sometimes that is difficult, but the poor animal has to go out, so I have to grit my teeth and bear it. I'm not getting the housework done, but spend a lot of my time sleeping and reading. At least I'm finishing some of my books that are so neatly lined up on the bookcase.

It's been hard to sit down and write a post, because I felt full of doom and gloom and didn't want to write about it, but today I got such a nice Christmas card from my daughter, that it cheered me up tremendously and I got a little bit of energy. As a result I downloaded the software to make a 2010 photo diary for myself and I had a good time picking out all the right photos. When I was done, I sent it off to the company that will print it and I should have it in about a week. I should have thought of this sooner, because I knew about it, but it had slipped my mind until just recently.

So many things keep slipping my mind, or briefly come to the foreground to only slip back into the dark recesses of my mind again. I have obligations that I can't keep, or think I can't keep, and I''m trying to figure out a way to deal with them. I feel that I can't let people down, and yet at the same time I don't know how to keep my promises. I must find a way to do this.

It's hard to be the victim of the foibles of your mind. When your mind dictates how you stand in life and how you feel and how you function or dysfunction. It's like your own mind is your enemy that you have to fight against, but it like fighting against a shadow and you can't land any real punches. Sometimes you pop up for air and you get a little bit of courage, but it's always pulling you down by your legs again, back under the surface where you can't see and breathe properly. It's such a tiring fight and it never seems to end, though it becomes awfully familiar and you say to yourself, "Oh yes, I know this, I have been here many times before." It's exhausting and I really don't want this anymore.

Yet something keeps me going. It must be the promise of better days, whenever they will come. It is unpredictable and I have no more of a clue than you do. It's the little glimmer of hope that sometimes shines through, even if it's smaller then a match struck in the darkest of nights. I find comfort in minuscule things. Sleeping, reading, eating, petting the dog. It can't be anything greater than that, because that would be too difficult. A greater action on my part would require too much effort.

Well, let's see how I get myself out of this pothole. I've got to manage one way or the other. If I can keep things somewhat under control I will be halfway there. I would like someone to come and take care of me so I could recuperate in my own time and not worry about anything for a while. That's the hard part about living alone. There's no one there to pick up the slack. I can't just take a week off. I'm finding it very difficult to live alone right now.

I have to go read blogs now. I'm a little behind in that. I do want to catch up. I hope I have the energy for it, because it's really getting to be bedtime, but it's something I want to do.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,
Nora