Trying it one more time...

I wrote such a dull post last night, that I feel that I have to give it another shot and try to improve on it with another post. I don't know yet if this one is going to turn out any better, but I'm going to make a sincere attempt. I can always delete it if it turns into nothing at all, said I, the wisest woman on the block. Ahem...

First I had to make myself a decent pot of coffee instead of drinking a cup of this heated up old coffee that wasn't doing a thing for me. I do need a sufficient supply of mind strengthening beverages when I want to blog well. This task is not to be taken on lightly. I do realize the seriousness of the attempt.

It's best to go on automatic pilot and to write without giving it too much thought. I can edit later. I will rely on my stream of consciousness. Of course, I'm assuming I'm in the possession of such a gift. I must not be waylaid by such concerns and pretend that I am. I possess a huge amount of consciousness and will now put it to work for me, come hell or high water.

Of course, the minute I try, I become stuck for words showing all my inhibitions. I'm a mere human being after all. I used to think I had great meditative qualities and that I could subconsciously make my mind do whatever I pleased. I wanted to reach nirvana and be one with the greater secret of the universe. I never did achieve that state but I had fun trying. 

Now I don't seriously meditate anymore, except that I regularly contemplate my navel while seated in my armchair. I no longer try to reach that blissful state of heavenly existence. That to me is too much like being in a hypo-manic condition. I avoid that if at all possible. I don't want to feel detached from the earth and take on wings. I need to be very much grounded. I would be a fool to attempt bliss. 

Being grounded in reality is my ultimate goal and where I feel most comfortable. That way I can't pull the wool over my own eyes. I always have to face up to the way things really are. Or at least my own perception of them in as straight a manner as I can think about them. Although I am steeped in realism, I do think I sometimes look at the world through rose colored glasses, but who doesn't? 

You'd have to be a fool not to because it would break your heart to look at it any other way all the time. I can't be that callous and continue to live comfortably with myself. You must be allowed to escape from the harsh reality of life. We all do that each in our own way. 

Basically I'm an optimist who sees the glass half full but sometimes even I have my doubts about that. I tend to find the cause of that altered point of view in my own personal make up but isn't it equally likely that it comes from outside causes? How much does environment play a role in how we perceive the world and ourselves?

I did not mean for this to turn into such a philosophical post, but that's what you get when you let your stream of consciousness take over. I'm always very much aware of the insignificant role I play in this world and my large thoughts about it. Under different circumstances I could have played a more influential role, but fate did not decree that. 

I've had my cups of coffee and am fully awakened. Now it is my job to get tired again for a little while because I have to sleep for a few more hours. I will have to drink a glass of warm milk. That usually does the job. The domestic help is coming this morning and I do have to be up on time to let her in. That means I have to be dressed on time too.

Thank good it's Friday again. It will blissfully be the weekend. I say that as if it matters all that much. My weekdays are not bad anymore and I have no real reason to look forward to the weekend so much. It's just the idea of it and the potential freedom. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Take me away again...

It's hard to figure out my what my schedule is today. That's because I was up most of the night and didn't go back to bed early this morning. I sat in my alternative armchair instead and read my novel while drinking numerous glasses of tea with sugar. That was very cozy but did cause a shortage of sleep that I had to make up for later in the morning after I had seen my SPN. 

I'm making headway through my novel and getting more interested in it as I do. I'm halfway through it now but consider myself lucky that I only have half of it left to read. You can tell that I'm not enjoying it as well as I should. I can't help it. It's a tough one to like. 'We Were The Mulvaneys' is not for the casual reader and that's exactly what I feel like now. I will have to choose something completely different for my next read. 

I took a nap later in the morning but was awakened from it prematurely by my neighbor who had found a piece of mail addressed to me in his mailbox. This always distresses him very much and instead of putting it in my mailbox, he feels compelled to ring my doorbell and hand it to me personally. He does this very grouchily as if it is all my fault and I planned it on purpose. It's not a nice way to wake up from a nap. 

I walked the dog in the hot sun and heard on the radio that it was going to be the hottest September in 100 years. I'm glad for everybody else that it's such nice weather but for me it doesn't have to be quite that warm. A little bit cooler weather would be alright too. I never feel that I'm appropriately dressed because somehow I can't get into my summer clothes anymore. It's the wrong time of year for them. I'm in the mood for wearing layers now and not skimpy tops.

I didn't do any chores to speak of because my schedule was so messed up and I hardly know what I did with my time. Most of it was lost to nothingness. Oh yes, I did go by the pharmacy for my supply of medicines and came home with a bag full. I shouldn't be proud of that and am not. It's just that I'm all set and won't have to worry about running out for a while. I do feel better when I'm well stocked. 

For the sake of getting some much needed sleep, I took another nap around dinnertime. I had to because I was unable to stay cheerful and alert. I was asleep in no time and slept for a few hours. I think I'm okay now and should be back to normal. I'm not going to do a repeat performance of a night like the one I had. It's not such a good idea to stay up and not get the hours of sleep that you need and watch the sun come up. I don't recommend it to anyone. 

I've got to eat still and I wonder what's on the menu. I would like to be surprised, but I think that won't happen. I can't fool myself and pretend I don't know what I'm fixing. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

The dog made me do it...

The dog woke me up when I wasn't nearly ready to and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee yawning my head off. I will come to my senses soon enough and it isn't half bad being up because I was going to be sooner or later anyway. The timing is just off a little bit. I had expected to sleep a little while longer. 

At least I'm not taking those god awful tranquilizers anymore that would have made me sit here in a stupor. I'm at least sound of mind and capable of thinking straight. Nor do I expect to hit a high when the caffeine has completely entered my system. I'm safe on all fronts and that makes me feel ever so much better. It's nice to sit here with my head screwed on straight. 

The dog, of course, doesn't want anything from me now. He apparently just wanted my company and no doubt was bored all on his own in the dark. That's the way it usually goes. I get up and he lies down somewhere and goes to sleep. 

The cat was sleeping on my pillow and had left just enough room for me to put my head down. At least she was that considerate. She takes up two thirds and I get the rest. She was kind enough not to pass gas. I do have to give her that.

Early yesterday morning, before I went back to bed, I sat in my armchair and read my novel while I drank glasses of ice cold milk. I read for about two hours until I got a backache from sitting in the chair. Apparently, it's not the best chair to sit in. I may have to move my place of operation to the other side of the room where there's a more comfortable chair. 

Once I was back in bed, I slept for another three hours, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I got up. Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I wasn't feeling any pain. A few cups of coffee were all it took before I could get the show on the road, but I think I could have done it after just one. I like to postpone the moment I get into action. I like to sit and ponder my navel for a while. 

I had to choose what to wear and what was appropriate for the warm weather, but I decided to boycott it and wear what I felt like wearing and what was in keeping with the temperature it was inside, which was a lot cooler. I didn't feel like wearing skimpy clothes. To me it was autumn and I wanted to wear the kind of clothes that were more in keeping with that season. Call me stubborn if you wish. 

I like the slant of the sunlight and the color of it. You could say that this season agrees with me very well and it's not because of the weather. It's the general atmosphere of it and the color of the leaves on the trees. Somehow it all feels very familiar and comfortable to me and I feel at home. Even frost in the morning wouldn't change my mind, although any snow or ice would, but I'm not expecting them. I'll have to perform a ritual to keep them away. 

I feel like I had a busy day yesterday, but I didn't do anything special except for some chores and walking the dog. The day passed by quickly. It felt like a full day when in reality it wasn't at all. I'm not complaining about it. That kind of a day is very pleasant. It means that I was very comfortable with myself and didn't get in my own way. I was my own best company. 

Today I have my last appointment with my SPN. I've bought a present for her future baby. It is strange that I will not see her again after today, but next week I already have an appointment with my new therapist and so you see, life continues. It just takes on a different form. The substance will be the same. 

I hope you will all have a wonderful day or that you are still having one.

Ciao,

Nora

The blues are far away...

Up in the wild blue yonder, that's where they are and that's the only place I see them anymore nowadays. Good riddance, they were around long enough to get thoroughly sick and tired of. Every once in a while, I try to call them to the surface to see if they are still there, but they are truly gone and no longer stuck in my head to plague me. 

Now it's just a matter of keeping them out and to do that I have to be as contented as I can possibly get while still allowing for the occasional grumpy mood that I'm bound to have also. Being a human being doesn't mean you only get to be good natured all the time. There are those moments when you are anything but. Hopefully, we'll let those be as short and 'sweet' as they can be. 

Periods of malcontent don't have to last long to make an impact.  One hour of it every once in a while is more than enough. It's best to get them over and done with quickly while taking a stance at the same time. You may achieve a long dreamed of goal. You can fight for something you believe in. The malcontent will get your momentum going. I think that's the original purpose of it and not just for us to be grumpy.

In the meantime I'm sitting here in the middle of the night going about my usual business. I've opened a new package of coffee and made a delicious fresh pot with it. It does make a difference if it's a newly opened pack. The coffee tastes better, or so I imagine. I realize how lucky I am to not have to forgo this simple pleasure. It's the little things like this that make life easier. With all the cuts in the budget, I'm still able to afford coffee. It would be a sad day if I were not.

I've tentatively started reading again. I've picked up where I left off with 'We Were The Mulvaneys.'  Yesterday morning, when I was planning on going back to bed, I sat in my armchair instead and read for two hours while drinking green tea with lemon. I have mixed feelings about this book. I want to like the characters, but I don't know if I'm in sympathy with them. There's some element of passion missing. I hope I start to care more as I get deeper into the story.

I promised myself that I would finish this book because I've left too many unread. I have to finish at least this one before I move onto the next one. I don't think that's too much to ask of myself, even if I do feel a slight discomfort with it. At least I'm trying to overcome that. After I have finished writing this post, I will sit down and read some more. It's pleasant to read in the early morning hours in all peace and quiet. I'm able to concentrate well. 

I'm done drinking coffee and will have my glass of cold milk now so my stomach will have something to do. It always does protest loudly after the first few sips. I don't know why it does that unless it's from the cold. I burp something awful. 

Have a lovely day all of you and I hope your weather will be as nice as ours will be. 

Ciao,

Nora

Being absolutely mellow...

It's with some pleasure that I sit here in the middle of the night drinking my cup of coffee. I have read the blogs that I'm going to read and now I'm ready for the next phase. That is, of course, writing an interesting enough blog post. I don't know if I'm quite capable of it, but I'm certainly in a good enough mood to try it. There's just the little question of pulling it off. 

I've slept enough for now and feel quite wide awake. It's not that I slept that many hours, but I slept quite intensely and very well. I didn't have any weird dreams to upset my sleep either. That is kind of a relief. I could do without dreams altogether. None of them is very welcome. They are all too odd. I'd like to remember not one of them. It must be very pleasant to have what seems to be a dreamless night. 

Ever since I wrote about my craving for cheese, I have the taste of it in the back of my mouth and I have been walking around with a longing for it all day and night. The Exfactor is going to do the groceries this morning, so I won't have to wait much longer for that much wanted chunk of cheese. I will be able to satisfy that craving soon enough. I'm looking forward to it. 

I don't think my cravings have so much to do with the weather, because it has been nice, as they have to do with the time of year and the angle of the sunlight. That must trigger some hormonal changes that tell you to start hoarding your body fat for the winter. That makes sense, doesn't it? I feel like some primeval woman who listens to the call of nature. We must have those urges lying not so deep within us still. 

Yesterday was a nice enough day. I got through it without any mishaps like I often do. There's not much that can go wrong in the simplified version of my life. As long as my mind treats me right, there are no complaints from me. It's when it gets cluttered and crazy up in my head that things go to hell in a hand basket.  Quitting the tranquilizers and increasing the anti depressives are the two best things I've done in a long time.

There are daisies and dandelions in the fields again and some purple clover and wild yarrow too. This makes my walks with the dog more cheerful. I always look to see how many of them there are and if they are spreading at all. I also look for other wildflowers but am unable to identify them. I still haven't got that book that I need in order to do so.

It's time for me to go back to bed. I always manage to sleep a few more hours in the morning but am able to wake up not too late. I do become coherent soon enough to get dressed and walk the dog at a decent enough time. It's to the point now that he counts on that. 

Have a lovely day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Compulsion...

I feel compelled to write a blog post, yet I have no idea what to write about. I will have to make it up as I go along. Maybe something brilliant will come up. 

In the meantime I will think about the chocolate that I'm having a terrible craving for. I can only think about it because I have none in the apartment. I'm never prepared for moments like these. 

Okay, I'm all done thinking about the chocolate. There's no sense in dwelling on it if there's none here. Besides, it would just make my eczema itch because it always does. That's the kind of reaction I get to it. I better think of another food group.

That reminds me that I have to ask the Exfactor to buy me a semi-soft cheese when he goes grocery shopping next. I have been having a craving for that also. I'd like for him to get me a good chunk of it that will last all week.

I think I'm getting in the mood to eat more wintry type of foods. The kind that have more calories. I've got to watch that. I'm already eating porridge every day despite my misgivings about the wheat and the fact that it gives me gas. 

I know what time of year it is when I get in the mood to eat cheese. Next I'll be craving pumpernickel bread with real butter, though I think I already am. I've got to make it a point to keep eating healthy foods. I should be alright then. 

Talking about the food that I'm potentially going to eat is not going to make me gain weight. It's what I actually put in my mouth that's going to do it and so far I've got that under control. I just mustn't get carried away with the shopping list. 

I think I will get lots of Knorr chicken soup and a bag of vermicelli. That should take care of my cravings for something hearty and it will be filling too.  Impromptu meals can be made with it.

Right now I'm not eating anything, but having cups of coffee. After the one I'm drinking now, I'm switching to low fat milk. Ice cold. It takes care of whatever craving I may have and it chills my taste buds into compliance.

I'm very content sitting here, but I am yawning, which is surprising when you consider the caffeine. I'll slowly get sleepy and ready to go back to bed. It was the animals that woke me up. The dog was pestering the cat and the cat was complaining loudly in my ear because she was lying on my pillow. 

I need to get up on time in the morning and make sure I get some quiet time in before my personal helper gets here. I do need to drink a cup of coffee in all silence to gather my thoughts before I get dressed. 

I hope you'll all have a good day with beautiful weather. 

Ciao,

Nora 

In the middle of the night...

I have become incredibly dull in the middle of the night since I've stopped taking the tranquilizers before I go to sleep. I no longer have the emotional highs that helped me write, what I thought, were interesting blog posts. Nor do I get an enormous kick out of caffeine anymore. It helps me think, but it doesn't help me think of anything brilliant. 

I'm thrown back on myself and have to use my own imagination. Unfortunately, that seems to be lacking a lot. I sit here for a long time during the night and try to think of things to write about and find it hard to come up with stuff that's the least bit fascinating. There's no bottomless well to dip into, there 's just a very shallow puddle. And it gets muddy. 

I don't mind sitting here in the middle of the night wasting time behind the computer. That's about as pleasant as it can get. I do mind writing dull posts. In my stubbornness I'm determined to do something about it, but I wonder if I'm even capable of it. I worry that I don't have an original thought left in my head or that I'm so inhibited that I'm incapable of expressing it. 

Well, that's enough philosophizing and I'll get down to the regular business of daily life. That's maybe worth a mention also, although nothing earth shattering happened. It does help you keep both feet on the ground and that's not a bad thing either. It's always good to stay in touch with Mother Earth. 

Yesterday was a pleasant enough day. The weather was beautiful, so there was nothing wrong with that. It truly was like an Indian Summer out there and will be for the rest of the week. That's thrown a wrench in the works for me because I was ready for colder weather and warmer clothes and my winter coat. I did like the crispness in the air we had been having and the cool wind that had been blowing. 

The nights are clear and starry skied, although not as much as on that painting by Vincent van Gogh.  I wonder what wonderful sky he saw when he painted that and what sort of a state of mind he found himself in? 

I dutifully walked the dog when it was time and did my chores. There weren't that many because I had taken care of most of them during the week. It is a nice thing to find yourself caught up on everything. The most important thing was to change the bed so I would have a clean one to take my afternoon nap in. And to do the laundry, of course. 

I made a pan of tomato soup with vermicelli for dinner and shared some with the dog who licked his bowl very clean. It was very good and filling and satisfied my longing for something hearty. I really felt like eating two pork chops but since I'm a vegetarian that's not possible. I just meant to tell you that this vegetarian sometimes longs for meat. Sometimes I would like a T-bone steak with ketchup. 

Since there was nothing much exciting on TV, I went to bed early and got cozy under the duvet. Saturday night is not the most interesting time to watch television. There's light entertainment on. Taggart doesn't come on until after midnight and that's too late for me.

I hope you all have an enjoyable Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping down the noise level...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee and cigarette keeping as silent as I can so as not to disturb the neighbors. It's not that I feel like being that noisy, but I'm acutely aware of the peace and quiet that reign around me. 

I assume that everybody else in the apartment building is asleep, like any sensible person should be, but there's more than enough time to sleep this weekend and I'm sure I'll not suffer from a shortage of it. I always do manage to get caught up on my sleep when I have my days off. 

I take advantage of every opportunity to sleep and plan my weekends around it and walks with the dog. The longer the walk, the better the nap. I also, of course, have my TV watching routine and there are programs that I absolutely have to watch, but I'll not skip a nap if I think it's really necessary. 

I'm going to change the sheets on the bed today and do the laundry immediately. I will be able to dry it on the clothesline outside because the weather is going to be beautiful and it will be dry in no time at all. I get the bonus of sleeping between clean smelling sheets.

This coming week we are going to have a bit of an Indian Summer with lots of sunshine and pleasant temperatures. I don't know if that will slow down the dropping of the leaves from the trees. It will be cheerful weather anyway. I won't know what clothes to wear. I was already prepared to wear my cold weather clothes and my winter coat. 

My short haircut is great. I slept on it and it mostly stayed in place. It's going to be easy to take care of. In order not to forget to go to the hairdresser on time, I've written down in my agenda when to make an appointment next. I must take better care of my hair and not wait so long to have it cut. 

It's time to go back to bed. I want to set the alarm clock and get up at a decent time in the morning. I do want to start the day out properly and not linger in bed forever. I do get the weirdest dreams if I sleep too long. 

Have a good Saturday all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost standing still...

It's impossible not to be glad that it's Friday evening. Finally the week is over. It's not that it cost me that much effort, but it did seem to take a long time for it to be over. The days didn't pass as quickly as they normally do. 

I don't know why that was. There just seemed to be a hitch in the system and to take twice as long to get to the end of the week. It seems ages ago since it was Monday and I so bravely started out.

I was full of goodwill at the beginning, but ran into a cloud of anxiety somewhere around the middle of the week and have only just been able to extract myself. 

Luckily, I was able to deal with it and it did not cause me to reach for the tranquilizers. I did lots of chores instead and am all caught up. Well no, I do have some dishes to do, but they can wait until tomorrow morning. 

I don't want to become too efficient. I'll become like one of those neurotic housewives who has a spotless house and who can't stand any kind of mess. I can see the danger lurking around the corner now. 

This afternoon, I got my hair cut because I was using the hairspray too much to keep my hair in place. That's always a sure sign that it needs to be cut. 

It was a pleasant interlude to the day, as it usually is. I got pampered properly and I've got a decent haircut that I won't have to worry about for a while. 

It had been too long since I was at the hairdresser last. I must remember to go sooner the next time. I'm not kind enough to myself because I do enjoy going there and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

The sun has been shining all day, although it has been a bit chilly. That's my kind of weather, though. This weekend it's gong to be warm and I'll be able to go out without a jacket. I'm less pleased about that than I should be. 

I've got to walk the dog. He's been very feisty the last few days and really needs the exercise. He thinks he's a puppy again. He's impatiently waiting for me to get done now.

I hope you'll all have a great weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

The perfect blog post...

It's better to pretend to act like you know what the ingredients are to a perfect blog post and then to go ahead and try to write one. I have sat here quite a few times and tried to figure it out, but I've not come up with an answer yet. At least not with one that works for me, although I am aware of the fact how some other people do it. 

I'll just keep plodding along in my own peculiar way and make the best of it. I keep telling myself that it's also for my own sake that I write these posts because they act like a diary for me and in it I record my life. Maybe some people will find it interesting enough to also read. I can't figure it out from the statistics. They are a mystery to me. 

I got woken up by the dog who, in an effort to get my attention, licked my face all over because he had to go out and he was in a hurry. I stood by the back door in the very cool air and looked at the stars in the clear night sky. I appreciated the sight of them and the fact that there were no clouds to hide them. Of course, that's what made it so nice and crisp outside. 

The dog came in just when I was sufficiently cooled down and I made my way to the kitchen to make some coffee. I'm always amazed at how quickly the machine turns out a pot. While I waited, I turned on the computer and checked my emails of which there were only a few. At least I don't get spam, which is a huge relief. It can make your in box look very full for naught. 

I can sleep late in the morning, though I haven't done so lately because I don't take the tranquilizers any more at night. It's made a big difference in how early I get up and how well I do that first hour. I'm not in a comatose condition that I have to recuperate from with several cups of coffee. I'm in a functioning state pretty quickly. 

I always made the assumption that I was an especially slow starter, but now I turn out to not really be one. Neither am I flying high during the night. I'm completely sober during these hours that I'm up and I distinctly remember being not so. 

I've got to think about which clothes I'm going to wear today, although over everything I wear my warm, gray, oversized cardigan when I'm inside. That's because the windows are still open and I won't turn on the heater yet. I also wear one of my cotton scarfs to keep the draft off my neck. I do like to be toasty warm. I dread the thought of winter. 

There, I wrote this post strictly for my own sake. Well, I did keep you readers in mind a little bit. 

It's time for me to go back to my warm bed. I've got to sleep just a little while longer. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Art, food and weather...

I just stood by the back door to let out the dog and the rain water was dripping off the trees and the gutters. It's been raining on and off since yesterday afternoon. It's not been a heck of a lot of rain, sometimes it was nothing more than a drizzle, but everything is soaking wet anyway. 

We don't really need the rain. Lord knows we've had more than enough of it these past few months. It would be alright if we had a few weeks of sunshine to celebrate fall with. The weather gods think differently and steep us in misty, rainy clouds at night and hand us blustery skies during the day with unexpected showers. 

You do need to dress for this kind of weather, although people optimistically still want to wear more summery kind of clothes and open shoes. They are the kind who refuse to admit that fall is here and that they need to put on warmer coats because the wind does blow cold on occasion. They are brave and suffer. 

I do no such thing (being an ex-Californian) and dress warmly for the optimal comfort. I noticed that yesterday when I was at the art fair with my sister. 

It was held in the garden of a large castle and by times a strong wind picked up and blew rainy clouds across the sky and it got quite cold. I think I was one of the few people there who was dressed warm enough for that.

The castle was beautiful and had been built in various stages throughout the ages as could be witnessed by the different building styles that were all incorporated together. It all made for a harmonious whole and for a very large building which included a chapel with leaded glass windows and painted ceilings. 

The art fair was very predictable with only a few artists who really stood out and who  really deserved the application 'artist' in its truest form. It was fun to walk along the different stalls to see what was on offer and to cast a critical eye. We saw a few things we liked, but weren't tempted into buying anything. 

Afterwards, we went into the tearoom inside the castle, which also houses a hotel, and had something to drink and shared a cheese platter. It had various soft cheeses and herbal butter and various breads and local condiments. It was delicious and one of the best things I've eaten in a long while.

The town that the castle was in was on the German border and at one point when we were driving there we had Germany on one side of the street and the Netherlands on the other. The dialects that they speak there are very similar, so the people on either side have no problem understanding the other.

I've got to get back to bed because my personal helper is going to be here in the morning and I need to sleep some more. I've set the alarm clock so I'll get up at a decent enough time. I want to be dressed and presentable before she gets here. There's nothing worse than being caught out in your bathrobe half asleep. 

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

How do I love thee, Sunday...

I'm warmly wrapped up in my bathrobe early in the morning after a chilly, rainy night. It's not actually all that cold in the apartment, but it feels like it is because of the damp air coming in through the open windows. 

It's still too early in the season to close them and to turn on the heater. I won't make the energy company that happy. If I dress warm enough, I won't be bothered by the cool air at all and as the day progresses, it does get a bit warmer in here. 

At this moment, I'm more than ready for the day to start, but it may be a dose of too much optimism on my part and I may change my mind later and go back to bed to sleep a little longer.

The whole point is to get through Sunday in the most optimal way and any method is allowed. However you put your Sunday to use is good. There are no rules. I can be as unregulated as I want to be and do whatever strikes me as right at the moment.

I am going out this afternoon. My sister and I are going to an art exhibit and afterwards we are going to have coffee at her house and lightly celebrate my nephew's birthday. He turned 17 on Friday.

We probably won't be able to sit in the garden because it's not going to be all that warm today and we may get some showers. We're experiencing fall weather, which is only appropriate for this time of the year, I suppose.

I will have to think about which clothes to wear. I suppose it should be Sunday apparel but I'm in the mood for wearing whatever I feel like. I will have to see what I can conjure out of my closet. 

I will have to dress keeping the weather in mind. I don't think it's time yet to wear two layers, but the time for short sleeves is over. It's time for cardigans and long sleeved tops.

I'm yawning and have decided to go back to bed for a while. It's still early in the morning and there's no reason yet to be up. I will take my medicines and pour myself a glass of cold milk and crawl back under the warm duvet. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday...

What a wonderful day for it to be. Of course, I have no real reason to think why it should be, except that it's a weekend day and I still somehow stubbornly believe that those are better than weekdays. Old beliefs die hard and this one will too. 

Nowadays my weekdays are as nice as the weekends are because I live through them with the least amount of pain. The stress has gone out of them, so they are really no big deal anymore.

A little part of me must still think that Saturday and Sunday are superior days and until I believe differently, I will enjoy them in that capacity as much as I can. I may as well get the most out of it. There's no sense in wasting a good feeling once you've got it. I don't need to talk myself out of it.

At least there will be better daytime programs on TV than there are during the week. That always cheers me up. I do need my cultural input and my sports. I can't be deprived of them. My brain needs to be fed with interesting and entertaining information. 

Right now, though, I've very much got to tell myself to live in the moment and not anticipate the day too much. I have to enjoy the moment I'm in and the fact that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes, writing this post very leisurely. I'd almost forget to do that and it's so important. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas and my bathrobe in an almost cool living room. All the windows are open at the top to keep airing out the apartment. It's chilly outside, but it never gets as cold inside. There's no wind blowing, so there's no draft to speak of.

I'm undecided if I'm going back to bed after I finish this. I may sit in the armchair and contemplate my navel. I actually feel very much awake and don't feel much like sleeping anymore. I'd like to have a garden to sit in and watch it become dawn. 

It's too bad that I don't like to read anymore because I could spend much leisurely time doing it. Now that I have the time, I don't have the inclination. I wonder if the urge to read will ever come back? I still treasure my books. To look at and for the memories. I just have no desire to read one. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Symbols of freedom...

I woke up slowly out of my deep slumber this night and before I had even opened my eyes, I felt happiness and contentment throughout my body and mind. It was both a physical and emotional experience. I felt as if I was a little kid and had remembered that it was the day of my birthday. I hope you can all recall that feeling of anticipation. 

I have no special reason to feel that way. All I've done is quit taking my last tranquilizer last night. It's possible that this action is causing me to feel this way and I welcome it, but it may be all a figment of my own imagination and merely symbolize the liberation of another pill.

I do feel less drugged and completely not sedated even though I've still taken my fall asleep pill. I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It stops working after a few hours, so I think it's out of my system now, but I can't be sure of that. I may be fooling myself if I claim that it is.

Not taking the tranquilizers is a huge step toward the liberation of my mind. I hadn't realized what a drugged state it had been in all this time. When my psychiatrist told me that getting off the barbiturates was the most important thing, he wasn't kidding, although I didn't pay much attention to his words at the time. I almost dismissed them.

***

Yesterday was a sunny but blustery day. It wasn't too cold, but I did wear my leather jacket and my cowboy boots. Those are a pleasure to wear and make me feel real tough. I feel like I can really go about my business when I wear them. 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN  and rode my bike over there. The wind was so strong that I almost got blown sideways a couple of times, but I managed to hold my course for the most part and ended up where I had to be. 

My hair got blown all over the place and that's why it's nice to have it cut short. Not much damage can be done to it and it mostly does end up in the style that you want it to be. It does remind me that I have to get it cut again soon. It does grow awfully fast. 

There were lots of clouds in the sky and it looked like the kind of sky that you see in the paintings of the Old Masters. The clouds were enormous, but somehow the sun managed to shine around them. 

When I returned home, I had the wind in my back and I rode my bike almost effortlessly. I never had an easier ride. I felt like I was in great shape, though in reality I am and I now have strong pedaling thighs. I don't tire easily, though I wouldn't want to have to ride my bike on a bike path on top of a dike into the wind. I couldn't manage that. 

Because I got up so early yesterday morning, I did end up taking a nap in the afternoon, but I figured it was good for me because I needed a little time out to put my brain to rest. Even if you spend lots of time being quite content, you need a little break to let it all sink in. 

The dog was more than ready for a little snooze and happily settled on the bed with me. I had put clean sheets on the bed, so it was wonderful to get into. 

I'm going to get back into that bed and sleep a while longer. It's not nearly dawn and I don't have to start the day yet. Mornings start later and evenings begin earlier. It is that season of the year. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Both feet on the ground...

One good thing about having quit almost all the tranquilizers is that I no longer sit here in the middle of the night higher than a kite and getting even more so because I'm drinking coffee. Nowadays, I'm pretty down to earth and mostly myself and not under the influence. 

At least, hardly any at all. I will stop taking the last tranquilizer tonight (Tuesday) when I go to bed. I will notice that I did for the first couple of days and will be a little bit off course, but I will recuperate soon enough and being off course doesn't have to be all unpleasant (I may be a little exuberant). 

It's a relief not to be high because I thought that was intrinsic to me and it's nice to find out that it was because of the tranquilizers. It certainly took me long enough to put two and two together. I always thought I was in a hypo-manic state in the middle of the night. 

It's a pleasure to find out that I'm not and that I'm as normal as anybody else. Especially since there's not such a huge difference compared to how I am when I wake up in the morning. I'm not like two different people.

I woke up yesterday morning to the alarm clock and it agreed with me better than sleeping until I was done sleeping. I think I get too discombobulated when I do that and get too much sleep. 

Waking up to the alarm clock was better, as it made me alert immediately and I felt I had to get into action right away and plan my moves. I have set the alarm clock for this morning too, even though I can sleep late. I just don't want to.

I have opened all the windows in the apartment at the top to air the place out properly and because there's a strong wind blowing due to the tail end of the hurricane that came off the Atlantic Ocean.

There's a strong enough draft blowing through here now and it smells a lot better in the living room. All that stale smoky air is gone. I'm going to keep the windows open this season as long as I can and hope for regular winds. 

It was sunny when I walked the dog yesterday, but because the wind was blowing, it felt quite blustery and I could imagine myself at the seaside. I like this kind of weather. It agrees with me quite well and this is what I like about autumn. 

The wind gives you a sense of freedom. It blows all your dark thoughts away and cleanses you from any worries you may have. I also like the way the sunlight is coming in at a lower angle. It seems less harsh and more comforting. 

I think I'm an autumn type of person and I always forget that about myself. It surprises me every year. Every year I make the same discovery. I should know this by now. I should know that I like the season of my birthday. 

It's time to go back to bed for a while with a glass of ice cold milk.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Bravely starting off the week...

Because it's officially Monday now, I should be quaking in my boots and be worried about how the beginning of the week is going to go because I always dread that first day. By my standards, I have had a very leisurely weekend with hardly any stress, but it does have a tendency to creep up on me once it is Monday again.

I have been as relaxed as I could manage to be and if I wasn't, I did whatever I could to get myself in a more relaxed state. That consisted very much of finding as much diversion as I could and by concentrating on very much living in the moment.

I find that these things get easier and come more natural as the day progresses. I'm more uptight at the beginning of the day than I am toward the end of it and I haven't figured out why this is so. It's a mystery I'm determined to solve. 

When I first get up in the morning, I have a huge struggle with myself and my identity and I really have to set straight the outlines of who I am and who's in charge here. I feel very vulnerable at that time and have to really do my best to define myself and fight for that person. 

As the day continues, and my bravery grows and I'm able to better function, I become more sure of myself and more clearly defined and I can relax and let it all happen naturally. I don't know if the amount of sleep I've had or if the medicines I take have anything to do with that.

I do know that I do better on less tranquilizers. I don't sit here high as a kite in the middle of the night anymore and I'm less befuddled when I get up in the morning. Tomorrow night I will stop taking the last tranquilizer and then I will really see how I will do without them.

I've been on barbiturates for the past 17 years on a bigger or lesser dose nonstop. I've never completely done without them. I never realized how much they influenced my daytime moods. I just recently really became aware of that. I knew they physically affected me, but it didn't dawn on me that they affected me to my detriment so much emotionally.

Well anyway, it's Monday and I mustn't let that spoil the fun. I did all my chores this weekend so I have nothing to feel bad about. I didn't lie down on the job. I even did the awful dishes without a hitch. I'm prepared for both my personal helper and the domestic help.

It's time to take my medicines and go back to bed with a cold glass of milk. I'll get a few more hours of sleep. I've already set the alarm clock so I'll get up on time. 

Have a great Monday.

Ciao,

Nora

Being less greedy...

I've found out tonight that drinking coffee from a small cup is really a good idea. I had to grab the smaller cup because all the bigger mugs are dirty and I haven't washed the dishes yet. I'm being lazy and wasn't planning on doing them until today. 

So I had to grab the small cup and drink my coffee from it and come to find out, it really is better because now I finish my coffee before it gets a chance to get cold, so obviously, this is exactly the amount of coffee I should be drinking all at once. 

I had gotten greedy and started thinking like an American in that bigger must be better, so more must be also, not realizing that I was half the time drinking cold coffee or tossing out the bottom third. 

Besides, big mugs have really become the rigmarole over here and it's hard to find a little one. I think you have to make a special effort to. 

I think I will now make it a point not to ask other people to buy me coffee mugs as a present, but to always be on the look out for cups that are on the small size myself.

That is on the rare occasions that I enter a store which sells household goods, which is rarely. I really have to go out of my way to do that. I lack an enormous amount of curiosity and money to go do that. 

I know that if I enter one, there will be all sorts of things that I'll want to buy. The displays will be enticing and my natural woman's instinct to want to spend money will immediately jump to the surface.

Since I'm the keeper of the finances, and solely responsible for them, I know which money can be spend and it can't go to frivolous things. There can be no self indulgence. 

Besides, I'm trying to make my life less cluttered and for each item that would enter it, something else would have to go. I also don't want any knick knacks. They would just clutter the place up and be more things to dust and keep in place. 

As it is now, I have to remove obsolete make up from the bathroom shelf because I'm probably never going to use it. I put it there in the hope that I would feel so feminine one day that I would, but it's a lost cause. 

I'm not going to use blusher or nail polish or lipstick, no matter which color it is in, so they can all go in my make up bag, which in itself is really obsolete. I never use any of the make up and the mascara will dry up one of these days and I'll end up having to toss it out.

It will be a fine day when I've taken several trash bags and have gone through the apartment and have gotten rid of things that I no longer have a need for. That will be a very liberating thing to do. One of these days the mood will strike me. 

Have a great Sunday!

Ciao,

Nora

On winter coats...

The dreary weather we had been having lately had got me in the proper mood to start thinking about winter coats and how I needed a new one. Last year's winter coat, which was thick and warm and let no cold wind through, had gotten too big on me because of my weight loss. If I wore it, I looked like a skinny bear in his over sized fur coat.

Because it was still the beginning of the season, I thought I might find a good deal if I started looking now and I went on line to my favorite store where there is the biggest selection of clothes to choose from and where the service is very good. 

I had to decide what sort of a coat I wanted and I thought a parka might be best because it would be warmest and also be handy when I rode my bike. A regular winter coat may have been more stylish, but not half as practical and I would have had to worry about being warm enough under all circumstances. 

I soon found one that was nice looking and had all the requirements I was looking for. It was lined and had a hood and big pockets and a zipper and snaps. I needed the big pockets to carry my keys and mobile phone and baggies in when I walked the dog. Also to put my gloves in when for some reason I was temporarily not wearing them. 

As parkas go, it was an attractive coat and not merely because the model who was wearing it in the picture was. The price was very nice too and that was important too me. 

I had to decide which size to get, but I knew that clothes from that particular brand had a tendency to run on the small side, so I ordered it one size bigger than I normally would have.

Then I had to wait for it to arrive and in the meantime I kept my fingers crossed and hoped that I would like it as much as I thought I did. 

On the day it arrived, I couldn't wait to open the package. The dog wanted to help me tear it open because he thinks every package is for him. It took some doing to open it neatly and keep it intact as much as possible in case there was anything wrong with the parka and I had to return it. 

I pulled it out and it looked okay. I put it on over the two layers of clothes that I was wearing that day because it was a cold day. It seemed to fit, but I still had to close the zipper. Much to my relief, this went without a hitch and the parka fit me as if it was made for me without any excess inches to spare. 

I went to look in the full length mirror and saw that it had a very flattering cut which made me look skinny. It was also very snug and warm. Now I couldn't wait for it to become wintertime so I would be able to wear it, though I supposed that autumn would be alright too, as long as it was cold enough.

I very reluctantly took it off and hung it on the coat rack because it wasn't the right time to wear it and it hasn't been yet. As a matter of fact, today it's going to be 82F degrees and I'll be skimpily dressed. It's not going to be very cold in the coming week either, so that parka will stay on the coat rack. 

I can't actually wish for cold weather when we've had so little nice weather simply because I've got a good winter coat now. That would be awfully shortsighted. I'm sure I would tire of the cold soon enough and start complaining about it. But it's nice to know that I'm well prepared.

Ciao,

Nora

Stealing the early hours of the morning....

I'm ever so content sitting here rather early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I've got a half way decent day to look forward to and there's not much that can get in the way of my good mood and me, except that it will be raining today. 

Hopefully it will mostly be a drizzle like it was yesterday when it only rarely rained straight forward. I walked the dog in it and we did get wet, but it was no disaster. The dog got mostly damp on the bottom half from the wet grass he walked through. 

Luckily, there weren't any puddles for him to wade through because that's his favorite thing to do. He doesn't care if he gets wet. He's totally indifferent, so I think he must be related to a duck. 

The cat came in last night dappled in rain drops and I was afraid to pet her in case I made it worse. She sat on my lap and slowly dried and by the time I was ready to go to bed her fur was completely dried up again. 

She did very cozily find her warm spot to sleep on the bed. No doubt she had not enjoyed getting wet very much, knowing cats in general. Possibly she had been surprised by a shower while she was out. 

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees and I've already had to sweep the patio once. This turned out to be not too bad of a job and I was done in no time. If I do it once a week I will keep it under control and I won't feel like I'm overwhelmed. 

No doubt, one week the leaves will decide to fall off all at once and I'll have my work cut out for me.

For as cold and dreary as it is now, that's how warm it is going to be tomorrow with temperatures in the 80's. It will call for completely different clothes and I will have to put my cowboy boots back in the closet for a day or so. We've had these odd Saturdays of hot weather off and on.

Some weather god must smile on us during the weekends and feel that we deserve good weather at least then. 

I've done a lot of laundry this week and it amazes me how much of it one person can produce. I'm almost caught up. It's only the capacity of the drying rack that slows me down. 

I change my bed a lot, so I always have a lot of sheets to wash. They take up a lot of space. The outside clothesline is unavailable because of the rain, which is a shame because sun dried sheets smell the best. I imagine I sleep better between them. 

I've got to take my morning dose of medicines and go back to bed for a while. I'm not quite done sleeping yet. No doubt I'll be woken up by the Exfactor when he gets here this morning. I'll have coffee with him and that will leave me time to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A tale before bedtime...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off because I'm drinking ice cold milk and hadn't been smart enough to put my bathrobe on first. It does make a difference if you do and I'm now waiting to start warming up again. 

It isn't really that cold in here, despite the fact that the bedroom windows are open still and that it's an autumn night outside. It was just my body suddenly cooling down after I had sat here quite comfortably in my pajamas for a while drinking coffee. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up with a perspiring head and wet hair. That's a side effect of the medication increase, I know now. I used to think that it was because I was in the menopause, but I think I've got that well behind me.  At my age I should be. I'm not having hot flashes during the day. 

This is the second night that I only took one tranquilizer and if anything, I feel even more normal now. I most definitely don't feel under the influence of anything, although doubtlessly I still am. But what I take now is so little compared to what I used to take that it's bound to make a major difference.

After I had been up in the middle of the night the night before last, I only slept for a while longer and got up fairly early in the morning. I didn't take my usual nap all day and also didn't feel the need to drink a lot of coffee. I was pretty alert all on my own and in a good mood. 

I started fading after dinner yesterday and went to bed early. I had clean sheets on the bed and that was a sheer pleasure. I put my head down on the pillows and pulled the duvet up to my shoulders and was asleep pretty quickly after that.

Now I'm yawning and tired, which I wasn't the night before last. I think I will go to bed shortly and have myself some proper sleep.

I wore my cowboy boots yesterday with my skinny jeans and felt like a regular tough broad. I liked walking the dog and stomping around in them. It made me feel as if I was making a statement. Especially since I was wearing my leather jacket also. Accessories make the woman. 

Have a good day when you wake up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Getting off the drugs...

I take two tranquilizers along with a sleeping pill before I go to sleep at night. I'm very determined to get off them as well as the sleeping pill because I think they influence my behavior during the night when I'm up and having my little blogging sessions. To say I'm under the influence is putting it mildly. 

Last night, I only took one tranquilizer with the sleeping pill and it doesn't seem to have hurt me any. I slept my regular few hours and was woken up by the dog. That was as normal as it gets. I do now feel less drugged and a little more clearheaded, but that could be in my imagination. Although, no doubt, less barbiturates means more alertness.

I'll try one week on one tranquilizer and then stop that one also. I usually manage to get off them easily as they seem to act as downers very often. After that I can start taking a lower dose sleeping pill. It's really a falling asleep pill, but I have the idea that the effects of it stay in my system for a while. I'll have to see first how I do without the tranquilizers. 

I don't want to feel high in the middle of the night when I read other blogs and comment on them and when I write my own blog posts. It's really not such a wonderful thing to be under the influence of drugs. It's much better to be sober and to be under the influence of your own unmanipulated thoughts.

Today is my birthday but I'm not making a big deal out of it. I've been telling people that I'm the age I'm turning today all year, so it feels very normal. I'm not struck down because I'm this age now. I'm still relatively young and not a pensioner yet and I've got a few good years left in me. I'll still wear my skinny jeans and my leggings and mini skirt. You can't keep a good woman down. 

I think the weather is such that I can start wearing my cowboy boots again. It definitely feels like fall outside. There is wind and rain and a general dreariness. The gales here aren't as bad as they are in the rest of the country because we are more protected here by the hills.

So, I will celebrate my birthday by putting on my tough broad boots and put my Keds away for the season. They have been very comfortable to wear this summer and suited me well. It never did get nice enough for sandals, I thought, unless you wore socks with them the way the Exfactor did like a real Northern European.

I will have to start thinking about getting a new winter coat because the one I have is too big on me. I hope I manage to find a sale on them. Now is a good time to start looking, I think. 

Lord only knows what sort of winter we'll have. I dread even thinking about it. Time is moving so quickly, though. The summer certainly went by fast when you consider that we didn't have much of one. I don't know what sort of harbinger that is for winter. I'll have to make sure that I enjoy autumn extra much.

It's time to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora