Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Symbols of freedom...

I woke up slowly out of my deep slumber this night and before I had even opened my eyes, I felt happiness and contentment throughout my body and mind. It was both a physical and emotional experience. I felt as if I was a little kid and had remembered that it was the day of my birthday. I hope you can all recall that feeling of anticipation. 

I have no special reason to feel that way. All I've done is quit taking my last tranquilizer last night. It's possible that this action is causing me to feel this way and I welcome it, but it may be all a figment of my own imagination and merely symbolize the liberation of another pill.

I do feel less drugged and completely not sedated even though I've still taken my fall asleep pill. I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It stops working after a few hours, so I think it's out of my system now, but I can't be sure of that. I may be fooling myself if I claim that it is.

Not taking the tranquilizers is a huge step toward the liberation of my mind. I hadn't realized what a drugged state it had been in all this time. When my psychiatrist told me that getting off the barbiturates was the most important thing, he wasn't kidding, although I didn't pay much attention to his words at the time. I almost dismissed them.


Yesterday was a sunny but blustery day. It wasn't too cold, but I did wear my leather jacket and my cowboy boots. Those are a pleasure to wear and make me feel real tough. I feel like I can really go about my business when I wear them. 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN  and rode my bike over there. The wind was so strong that I almost got blown sideways a couple of times, but I managed to hold my course for the most part and ended up where I had to be. 

My hair got blown all over the place and that's why it's nice to have it cut short. Not much damage can be done to it and it mostly does end up in the style that you want it to be. It does remind me that I have to get it cut again soon. It does grow awfully fast. 

There were lots of clouds in the sky and it looked like the kind of sky that you see in the paintings of the Old Masters. The clouds were enormous, but somehow the sun managed to shine around them. 

When I returned home, I had the wind in my back and I rode my bike almost effortlessly. I never had an easier ride. I felt like I was in great shape, though in reality I am and I now have strong pedaling thighs. I don't tire easily, though I wouldn't want to have to ride my bike on a bike path on top of a dike into the wind. I couldn't manage that. 

Because I got up so early yesterday morning, I did end up taking a nap in the afternoon, but I figured it was good for me because I needed a little time out to put my brain to rest. Even if you spend lots of time being quite content, you need a little break to let it all sink in. 

The dog was more than ready for a little snooze and happily settled on the bed with me. I had put clean sheets on the bed, so it was wonderful to get into. 

I'm going to get back into that bed and sleep a while longer. It's not nearly dawn and I don't have to start the day yet. Mornings start later and evenings begin earlier. It is that season of the year. 

Have a great day.



VioletSky said...

I hate that the days are getting shorter. I love autumn and wish there was more daylight to enjoy it.
Good luck with the liberation and I like the "tough broad" tag in your labels ;)

Maggie May said...

My Goodness.... I wish I could leap for joy like those two in that picture!
Glad things are going so well for you.
I loved doing that bike ride with you. I could almost feel the wind in my face. Lovely descriptions of a successful bike ride.

It is lovely to have a clear head, isn't it? Its not until you come off these pills that you realise just how fogged -up the brain was.

The weather is sunny but crisper today.
Pity about the shorter days and colder evenings. It would be perfect otherwise.
Maggie X

Nuts in May