Monday, September 12, 2011

Bravely starting off the week...

Because it's officially Monday now, I should be quaking in my boots and be worried about how the beginning of the week is going to go because I always dread that first day. By my standards, I have had a very leisurely weekend with hardly any stress, but it does have a tendency to creep up on me once it is Monday again.

I have been as relaxed as I could manage to be and if I wasn't, I did whatever I could to get myself in a more relaxed state. That consisted very much of finding as much diversion as I could and by concentrating on very much living in the moment.

I find that these things get easier and come more natural as the day progresses. I'm more uptight at the beginning of the day than I am toward the end of it and I haven't figured out why this is so. It's a mystery I'm determined to solve. 

When I first get up in the morning, I have a huge struggle with myself and my identity and I really have to set straight the outlines of who I am and who's in charge here. I feel very vulnerable at that time and have to really do my best to define myself and fight for that person. 

As the day continues, and my bravery grows and I'm able to better function, I become more sure of myself and more clearly defined and I can relax and let it all happen naturally. I don't know if the amount of sleep I've had or if the medicines I take have anything to do with that.

I do know that I do better on less tranquilizers. I don't sit here high as a kite in the middle of the night anymore and I'm less befuddled when I get up in the morning. Tomorrow night I will stop taking the last tranquilizer and then I will really see how I will do without them.

I've been on barbiturates for the past 17 years on a bigger or lesser dose nonstop. I've never completely done without them. I never realized how much they influenced my daytime moods. I just recently really became aware of that. I knew they physically affected me, but it didn't dawn on me that they affected me to my detriment so much emotionally.

Well anyway, it's Monday and I mustn't let that spoil the fun. I did all my chores this weekend so I have nothing to feel bad about. I didn't lie down on the job. I even did the awful dishes without a hitch. I'm prepared for both my personal helper and the domestic help.

It's time to take my medicines and go back to bed with a cold glass of milk. I'll get a few more hours of sleep. I've already set the alarm clock so I'll get up on time. 

Have a great Monday.


1 comment:

Wisewebwoman said...

Mornings can be a struggle for me too, Nora, it seems I wear the weight of the night for a while. I have such vivid dreams, some disconcerting.
A friend of mine has been on tranqs for 20 years and I hear you. She is unable to feel any intensity anymore. Just flatlined.