Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What's it going to be today?

I just heated up a cup of coffee for myself. It is coffee left over from this morning, so it's not the best cup in town, but it will have to do unless I want to make a new pot and I'm not sure about that yet. I don't know how awake and alert I want to be at this time of day. It may be that this one cup is enough to have me function the way I should. I will have to wait and see what happens.

I took a long nap on the sofa this afternoon. After I came home from seeing my SPN, I was quite done in. I sat in my armchair for a while and tried to recuperate. I had dealt with so many memories and so many emotions. I knew I also needed to get a rational point of view on all of it, but I was too wiped out to do it. I walked Tyke and then decided to lie down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket.

Now that I'm awake again, and can think about things with some distance between them and me, I can let go of all of the emotions and rationally approach the subject. I can see that there have been huge flaws in my thinking all along and that these have been masked by my overwhelming emotions and that the story would not have gone how I imagined it, no matter how good the circumstances. 

The fairytale that I had tried to pull off was bound to fail, only I had my head in the sand and refused to see the truth and to this day believed that if only a certain event had not happened, I would have lived happily ever after. I now see how delusional that was and how impossible of me to think it. I really believed that if I ignored all the bad and concentrated only on the good, we all would ride off into the sunset and have a happily ever after life.

It's about time that I look at this in a rational way. That I start to doubt and pick apart all the feelings and assumptions I have had about this period in my life. The explanation and emotional reasoning I had in place was just as much a fallacy as the fairytale I was trying to live back then. My explanation doesn't hold up under careful questioning. My reasoning is completely flawed. It's time to cut out the nonsense and to get down to reality. To look at things they really were and not the way I imagined they were. Or wanted them to be.

I'm getting rid of a lot of old sadness about this, very deep grief, as a matter of fact. The kind of grief that makes you crazy and leaves wounds. I finally have the opportunity to heal them and to look at my own role in all of it. Why I reacted the way I did and why I handled things the way I did. That's much more realistic than believing in the story of wrong assumptions and explanations  I've been walking around with.

I'm getting this straight in my head as I'm typing this, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about it. The subject doesn't leave my head, but it is with a certain amount of clarity and relief that I think of it. I know I'm not done with it yet. There will be more sessions spent on it, but they all will be fruitful. I will not waste my time regretting things that are over and done with. I've spent enough time doing that already. 19 Years as a matter of fact. 

I've got to walk Tyke. It's time for our evening stroll. I will be lost in thought. 

Have a good evening!



Twain12 said...

wow sounds like a productive and meaningful day, it is very exhausting to work through emotions and memories. I hope it will help in the long run and i imagine it will also be work in progress.

Lucky Dip Lisa said...

This post sounds like one of progress! I hope it continues and that you are able to let things go. Sometimes we think we have dealt with something and then realise we have inadvertantly picked up the belief/emotion/baggage all over again.

I love the colours of this blog layout!

Maggie May said...

Will take a while to let go of it all because you've been doing these things for so long. I am sure you will get there sooner or later and now you know you've deluded yourself, that is half the battle.
Mind you, I think we all do that to some extent.
Anyway..... have a good nights sleep and I hope you have a stress free day tomorrow. If only it would stop raining!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Bernie said...

Hello my friend, I am behind in posting, sorry.
Your day may have been mentally exhausting but it also sounds rewarding. I am happy you have made a bread through. I agree with Maggie, we all are delusional once in a while. Have a great day...Hugs

Frances said...

We do all live in constructs of our imagination, we can't help it.
Our minds explain things to us in ways we can accept and we interpret things in ways we can understand and live with.
I guess we are more likely to get into damaging thought patterns when we are ill, but the world is full of people surviving by fooling themselves, especially women living with damaging men.
You are in good company. Well done being able and willing to face those old fairy stories and cut down the brambles round the castle.