It won't work...

I lived under the mistaken assumption that I could function on just one cup of heated up coffee and I turned out to be wrong. It doesn't work at all. It's like there's no caffeine left in it after it has been sitting for a few hours and it has been heated up again. It's a cheap and easy way to try and get your kicks. 

I'm making proper coffee now and in a moment I'm going to have a real cup of it. Then I'll really start functioning and not sit here like this bleary eyed woman that I am in the middle of the night. The old coffee was poured down the drain where it belonged and where it should have gone in the first place. Good riddance. 

Since it's already officially Saturday, I should be in a festive mood and I'll try and remember to be that right now. I must put on a party hat, except that I think I have no such item in the apartment. I don't have a lampshade that will fit either. I will have to give expression to my happy mood in an other way. 

Actually, the place I really belong is my bed. I got woken up prematurely by the dog again who licked me awake because he had to go out. I don't mind being woken up like that, but I was sound asleep. It was pleasant, however, to cool off my sweaty body in the cool night air by the back door. 

As Johan Cruyff says: every disadvantage has its advantage. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Made it!

Knowing what I know now about my sleeping pattern, I managed to sleep from 10 o'clock last night until 6:30 this morning. I did wake up three times during the night, but forced myself to go back to sleep until I thought I had slept a decent enough time. Each time I woke up, I stood beside my bed, but managed to get back into it, even when I was having night sweats. I don't know if I'm done sleeping now, time will tell. It is possible that I'll still find myself napping on the sofa, but at least I had a fairly good night's sleep. Each time I woke up, it only took me a minute to get back to sleep. I probably could have slept longer this morning, but I thought it was a good time to get up and that I had slept long enough. I'll try to sleep longer tomorrow. I will make it a sport to see how long I can sleep in the morning, while still going to bed at a decent time at night. It will be a challenge.

Sometimes it's good to pay attention to the things that lie hidden in your subconscious. It takes a little bit of work and a little bit of reasoning, but after some deep analysis you can sometimes get to the root of the problem if you allow yourself to look at unpleasant memories and facts that you're hiding from. And then you say to yourself, "If it looks like a horse and it acts like a horse, it must be a horse." I'm very good in denying myself some obvious reasons for why some things in my life don't go smoothly, because I only look at them on the surface and not deep down, three dimensionally. I think therapy doesn't help me get there either, because nobody knows how deep to dig and how safe that is. It's up to me to do that work.

I always have major breakdowns on the anniversary of my son's death, but each time they take me by surprise, because each time I don't make the link and deny myself the pain that I feel about it and how traumatized I really am. So, I look for other reasons for why I'm falling apart and it isn't until days later that I realize what's really happened and why I felt the way I did. That's how very much I don't look beneath the surface so many times. It's obvious that the most traumatic events are the ones that are going to impact you the most for the rest of your life, yet we don't calculate them into our reactions to certain moments and important times and days or the subconscious memories we're having that are triggered by something or someone around us.

I must remember that I'm wounded and that those wounds aren't healed. I don't have scar tissue. I have wounds. And there are always moments and days and periods when those wounds hurt like hell. If I deny that, I will have breakdowns that take me by surprise every time, or other problems that seem unsolvable.

Well, that's it for my psychological insights for today. I don't want to completely get bogged down in them. There are other things in life too. Like this delicious glass of juice I'm drinking, because I was so very thirsty.

It's going to be 5C today and it's going to rain and hopefully that means that all that ice in the streets and on the sidewalks will disappear. I can't wait for it to happen. I hope it just comes pouring down. At the moment the sun is shining, though, and it is 0C. I haven't walked the dog yet, so I have no idea how the sunshine feels today, but I will go out there shortly and get a taste of it before it's all gone. The dog did an enormously long piddle out back, so I have time.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and kept me company for a while. I was feeling a little bit lonely and asked him to stay for a while and I discussed some of my theories with him. He's a good enough listener, although he's not as good as a licensed psychologist. He does his best, though, and it does feel good to talk about some things. To get them off my chest when there is no one else to discuss them with. His collarbone is all healed and he can ride his motorcycle again, much to his relief. He even went to the tobacconist for me to get my weekly supply, which saved me a trip over there on the icy sidewalks. He has to park his motorcycle at the beginning of my street, as it is to icy to ride here. The main roads are clear of ice and snow.

Well, I'm going to take the dog for a walk while it is still nice out. No doubt he'll appreciate that, although he's gone back asleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I guess he isn't in any sort of hurry at all.

I hope you all have a nice day. I'll wish for all your snow to be gone, or do you like it?

Ciao,
Nora

It's too early to go to bed.

Well, you all know that I slept well last night, don't you? I mean, I was up for a little while, but I went back to bed and slept until a decent hour and I did go to sleep early the night before. But guess what happened today? I napped and napped and wasted the whole day on the sofa. This tiredness just takes me by surprise and before I know it, I'm asleep again. I get over it at the end of the day and get my energy back at around 5 pm. That's when I come back to life, just as it is getting dark outside and I have to walk the dog. I'm fine the rest of the evening and am not the least bit sleepy until I go to bed, because I look forward to the coziness of it, but tonight I'm not looking forward to going to bed, because last night was such a struggle with those night sweats and the pain in my arm. I don't have good associations with going to bed now and I'm postponing it.

I guess I slept long enough, but not pleasant enough. The night sweats are the most uncomfortable thing, though. They really wake me up and I have to get out of bed and cool off. I'm really starting to dislike my bed. I'm going to stay up late tonight and sleep on the sofa and see if I have the same problem when I sleep there. I'm going to take the back cushions off the sofa and make more room for myself to lie down. I've been having these night sweats since last summer and I thought it was because of the heat, but I guess I was wrong and as far as I know, I am not in the menopause anymore, so that's not it either.

For some strange reason, my regular telephone has started working again without me changing the batteries. I haven't done a thing to it but take the batteries out and put them back in and unplug the cable and plug it back in again. It's a mystery to me. That leaves me undecided if I should keep it or not. First I need to find out how much of my all in one package are telephone costs. I'll have to call about that and be put on hold forever and have to listen to inane music while the call is costing me money. That ticks me off, but that's how it's done nowadays. I'm sure it's the same in your country. Whoever decided on that policy is a rip off artist. Some calls cost as much as 45 cents a minute. But anyway, my phone is working again and at least I didn't go out and buy a new one, though if I do keep my regular phone, I still may go out and buy a new one, because I'm not very fond of this one, as it has such a shape, that I cut people off with my cheekbone and I don't have especially pointy cheekbones.

My dog has decided it is bedtime and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom and that is where the cats are too. So you see, they do have their habits and they aren't always dependent on what I do.

I walked the dog at 9:30 tonight and all the slush had frozen over again and it was very slippery out there. I'm amazed by the fact that I have not slipped and fallen yet, because last year I fell three times. I'm being very careful, though, and I'm wearing different boots that may make a difference. These may have a little bit more grip. I worry about breaking a bone and lying there helplessly with the dog. He's not a St Bernard, after all. Or Lassie who will run and get help.

I have no interest in my household. I do the barest of necessities and wait for the moment when things are just about to get out of hand, so that I will very quickly get them back under control again only to return to my previous indifference. That's the state of affairs. It's no way to run a place, but that's the way I'm getting by right now. I dump things in the trash and rinse out dishes and empty ashtrays and pick things up and move them, but that's about it. I don't really feel depressed, but I feel physically tired all the time and not up to expending the energy. I thought I would feel better now that I'm taking the vitamin pills every day, but I'm not. I marvel at my sister who gets so much done in one day's time. I used to be like that too.

The dog missed me and has come to lie down beside me on the area rug, which is not the most comfortable place to sleep. He's such a loyal dog. At least I've got him, even if I've got nobody else.

Well, it's late enough now. I'm going to get my pajamas on and have something to eat and take my medicines. Then I'll make myself cozy on the sofa with my book. I am looking forward to that. I hope I have a good night's sleep and that I will feel fantastic in the morning. I'm going to try and sleep all through the night. With a little bit of luck I should make it.

Sleep tight, everyone!

Ciao,
Nora