Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I just signed up with a new Internet provider who is also going to provide me with telephone and TV service and I should save about 20 Euros a month. The good part is that I'll be getting one bill a month instead of two like I am getting now, covering different periods of time, making the whole thing less clear, which was not the deal when we signed up initially. It was supposed to be a one package deal for a much cheaper price, so I made sure that that really was the deal I was getting this time. It seems legitimate, so I'll have to put my faith in it. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please. Every penny counts. I'll have more left over to shop with, ha, ha.

I was only slightly bothered at ergo therapy this morning. Our regular therapist was ill, so we had a stand in, who was equally good and up to date on what is happening in the group. I got to do my song and dance act about having to swallow my bitter pill in order to reach my heavenly heights and that was appreciated by all. At least two people were very relieved that I was not leaving. I have no idea how the rest feels about it. I don't think they care much one way or the other, not knowing me very well yet. Two people didn't show up and one person was late and that is not appreciated very much and I am sure there is going to be an aftermath about this. Showing up and being on time is part of your responsibility.

We had an exercise to do. We had to partner up with different people and with paint claim our appointed space on a large sheet of paper and then lay claim to the shared space. I solved this by drawing a line straight across the shared space and filling everything beneath it up with paint. Other people did it by drawing pretty pictures of birds and flowers and bunny rabbits and fish, but I painted everything brown. I just wanted to lay claim to my space and my share of the shared space and not give anyone room to enter into mine. I thought brown was an ugly enough color to make that point clear to everybody. I was not in the mood to be kind and careful and considerate and giving by painting fragile and cheerful scenes.

I suppose that could be considered anti social, but it did give the other people all the room to work on their half unhindered by me, because I would not invade them.

Sometimes life's a bitch.

This happened right after the coffee break during which someone asked me why I never talked about my parents and I told her in plain language why I never did and she was very upset about it. I suppose subconsciously, I was upset about it too, although I did not give it a thought once I was done talking about it.

The Exfactor did not come by to do his laundry. He just came by to check on me and to make sure I was alright, so I could assure him that I was and I think it is all getting to be a little bit too much for him, because he had a deja vu moment during which he imagined that we already had the conversation we were having several days earlier. So, I think I need to manage better on my own. The Exfactor is not as stress resistant as we think he is.

I need to be careful who I share myself with. I don't want to overwhelm people with me. The sheer entity of who I am with all the extremes that come with it. You can't just say to a person that you were almost psychotic the other day. That's scary! Unless you are a fellow patient with a similar disability and you know the experience.

Bah humbug!

My greatest friend is the Überhund who loves me no matter what sort of a crazy mood I am in. He is always patient with me. He thinks I am just great.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day again. It seems that it has been more than six days since I've done that last, but I can't be sure. I don't need that many things. Milk and yogurt and juice. And a treat. Yesterday, I went to the tobacco shop and I also got a Côte d'Or Chocolate bar with truffles. It was so delicious. Chocolate always puts me in a good mood. That's silly, drinking a glass of juice also puts me in a good mood, chocolate is just more decadent. Chocolate is one of those foods that should be very healthy for you to eat, like strawberries.

Last week the Exfactor brought me the last strawberries from the Paramount's garden. They weren't sweet and juicy, but crunchy like apples. Still, they tasted good and I ate them all. It was like forbidden fruit. I don't think the Paramount knew I was eating her last strawberries.

I left the house this morning without having combed my hair. When I got to my destination, I went into the ladies room and fashioned it into something halfway decent with a little bit of water. Still, I felt like carrying a sign that said, "This is not my real hair!" Or one that said, "I am much better looking in real life." Maybe people should always wear signs explaining some bit of themselves on any given day. "Excuse me, I am grumpy today. It's nothing personal."

Now I must go read some blogs or I will be banished from blogland forever.



Frances said...

Love the truculent tone. Well done you.
I always laugh at something in your posts, but this is one of those 'go gal' days. Poor old Exfactor - no wonder he can't handle it all.
Brown. hahahah - that just cracked me up. At least you were fair and didn't just smear it over all the shared paper... LOL

Grit said...

i like the idea of wearing a label... i would change it everyday... today would read, 'best left alone'.

aims said...

When you step back and try to look at the last 6 days - what do you see Irene?

Do you see your fluctuations in mood - or do you see how this mood colours all things brown?

I think that is an interesting experiment. To be out of yourself looking in and trying to discern who you see and why.

Brown. In a sh*tty mood for sure!

Maggie May said...

I hate the colour brown!
I should think that it would warn anybody off!
Sleep tight X

Mean Mom said...

It is strange isn't it, the way we/some of us seem to wake up in a particular mood for no particular reason? On monday, I was really sad and depressed. Today, I felt fine. I am unaware of anything that happened to make me feel that way, on either day.

I confess that I don't understand what the laying claim to your space thing was all about, but your solution seemed fine to me!

Debi said...

I can imagine, so easily, a whole short story that revolves around the eating of those strawberries. If you ever expand on it, I'd stand in line to read it.

I've come to realize that I can be doing great -- well on the road to healing and all that -- and still want to paint the space around me brown. It's not a paradox, although it might sound like it.

I think of you often, Sweet Irene.

Stinking Billy said...

irene, I think that in my next life I wouldn't mind being an uberhound companion to some crazy dutchwoman. Well, you should still be around then?

Breakfast in California said...

So many browns in the palette, what shade did you choose? You didn't opt for red, too agressive, or blue, so passive. I think brown is an interesting choice.

Wisewebwoman said...

Browning your space, Irene, I love it. Deep too.....;^)
As to the strawberries, I agree with another commentator, there is a great short story there.
Metaphysical perhaps.
Owning our feelings is huge progress.
Shine on.

Anonymous said...

I have often gone out in the morning and not brushed my hair!! But I'm just a scruff.

CJ xx

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

Frances, a few times I did feel like smearing it all over the paper, but I was being nice and didn't want to cause upset.

grit, I wonder i that would work with the gritlets?

Aims, I wasn't taking it all that seriously. I could have been diarrhea yellow too.

Maggie, you would be warned off, because you're a nice woman.

Mean Mom, moods are like strange trains we get on and we don't know the destinations, nor are there warning signs.

Debi, painting the space around you brown means, don't mess with me, I may look fine , but don't mess with me!

Billy, you can come and be my Überhund any time you are ready, but be a good dog, please. No sleeping on the furniture!

Breakfast, this one was pure chocolate brown, very delectable.

WWW, owning your feelings is hard work and never ends. It does give you muscles.

Crystal, I bet you have naturally wavy hair that is always perfect.