Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Do it now!

I find that I have to write my post now, because while I'm reading everybody else's post on my google reader, I find myself slowly drifting off to sleep. That is not because you are all so boring, but because I got up at 6 AM this morning, because the Überhund was barfing and I was not nearly done sleeping. I was bleary eyed and incoherent while I tried to make sense of the situation and figured he had eaten something bad off the streets again, that dummy. Of course, then I stubbornly stayed up, because I wanted my mug of coffee and my cigarettes, even though I should have slept some more. That is something I will have to remember for the next time when I wake up under less than pleasant circumstances. Just to pull my head under the duvet and let the Überhund barf on his own. He manages just fine without me. It was just a lot of retching with little result.

So, I am sitting here for a while, instead of going to the tobacco store where I need to get some tobacco and filter tubes and a chocolate candy bar, but not a Mars bar. Probably a Bros. Light and airy. The Exfactor came by at noontime to wash his laundry and will be by later to pick it up and I need to run my errand before that time, otherwise he can't get in. I am not in love with him anymore, but just love him now as a human being and the way I love other people in my life and I told him so. I don't know what that does to his male ego, but there you have it.

My mood changes are a thing of the past. I sure got rid of them quickly by handling them adequately and appropriately. I find it is much easier to deal with these kinds of things on my own, because you don't have to dramatize your behavior to get your point across to the other person and the other person doesn't desperately have to come up with all the wrong solutions and that gives you a chance to come up with the right solutions yourself. It is much simpler and easier and you get done quicker.

My SPN says that the rapid mood changes belong to the borderline personality disorder and it is something we need to look into deeper, because I handle sinking into a hole well, but I don't manage the hypomanic stage well. I have a tendency to let the pleasure of it just wash over me, darn the consequences, and that is not good, of course. Whatever triggers the mood changes, and we may never know, I must resist acting upon them and find a better way to react to them and not impulsively give myself over to them as if I have no free will, but I say I am like an alcoholic looking for a drink when I get that way.

So, we've got our work cut out for us and will be tackling this very seriously before I land in the poorhouse. She's coming over here for a home visit next week and that will motivate me to clean the apartment a bit. Only a bit, I don't want to overdo it and give the wrong impression, ha ha. She mustn't get the idea that I have all my shit together all the time when in fact I don't, but just sort of muddle along competently.

The animals will be all over her and since she wears black a lot, she will be covered in hair in no time and I'll have to vacuum her before she leaves.

I am going to be taking the 20 mg temazepam permanently or for as long as I need it to help me sleep well, because it does make a difference. I have been sleeping on the sofa. For some reason my bed seems like a not attractive place to sleep right now. It is too cold and uncozy in there. I like to sleep on the sofa, because it makes me feel as if I am right in the middle of everything and the Überhund sleeps right beside me and the cats on top of me.

Right, now I'm going to the tobacco store. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Been there, done that, ate my chocolate bar, was delicious. The Überhund watched me eat it and didn't get a bit of it, instead he got his own snack. I don't know if he ate it with as much relish, but he ate it.

Now I've completely lost my train of thought and don't know what to tell you next, except that the lady in the tobacco store now knows what I want when I come in without me telling her. She reaches for the item before I say what I want. Pretty good, huh? Support your local small retailer.

Actually, I don't know why I eat chocolate bars. They taste great while I eat them, but I always feel a little sick afterwards. I wonder why I don't put two and two together and come up with four. It must be my highly disconnected mind which allows me to go through unpleasant experiences without wondering why I am. What the cause may be. It's all suppressed.

Tomorrow I am having that wonderful ergo therapy again. Why am I being scathing about it? A new woman joined and whenever anyone says they are having a problem with something, she pipes up and declares how she never does because of how she handles it. I'll toss a shoe to her head if she keeps doing it. We'll have a rumble.

Well, I suppose that's it for me then. I am wide awake again and in need of a very large mug of hot coffee, albeit decaf. I just need it to wash the chocolaty flavor away and wash it out of my little stomach. Have a good rest of the day wherever you are.



aims said...

You tossing a shoe at her just cracked me up Irene! I know exactly what you mean about that sort of person though. OMG! Your stomach just clenches when she opens her mouth!

I'm so glad you have resolved your feelings about the Exfactor. It was causing you so much unneeded stress but at the same time you needed to go through all of that to come to this wonderful conclusion. Loving him as just another human being is a nice place to be. It will give you such a wonderful relationship from now on.

I'm very interested in hearing about how your hypomanic episodes make you feel. You said that the pleasures of it wash over you....could you perhaps give us a more detailed account of what happens when it overtakes you? I've always been so fascinated with these sort of things. How mental moods make us feel physically and mentally of course.

I like eating eggs - the smell of them cooking - but I want to throw them up as soon as I've eaten them. What is with that? Sometimes chocolate does the same thing...now that's a sad thing isn't it?

Bev said...

I like the description of having your flat tidy, but not too tidy, for the SPN. It will require much skill and aforethought to achieve this particular level of tidiness LOL

The Writer said...

I love sunflowers. My very favorite, I think.

Just a shoe?

Happy wandering!

The Writer...and her dog, Bear

Maggie May said...

Yes, Irene...... not too tidy, else they'll tick another box. Not too dirty else they'll tick that one too!
As for the shoe throwing, chuck one for me too. Sounds like a right bore.
Have a good day X

Mean Mom said...

I have a very funny picture in my mind, of you vacuuming the SPN.

Has the new lady in ergo therapy come to the wrong class, or something? There must be something she's having problems with, or she wouldn't be there, surely?

John said...

hit her with your best shot

MarmiteToasty said...

Sending you a box full of shoes, wellies, boots, slippers, flipflops so you can have aiming practise at that aweful woman..

Take care of YOU..


Babaloo said...

I hope you've been practicing your aim so your shoe doesn't just fly past that lady! She sounds very annoying alright.

Lisa Sarsfield said...

Notice you mention chocolate and shoes and we all notice!

You sound happy despite being tired. Glad your on you feet again...keep well.

Maureen said...

I try to limit the chocolate bars, but at this time of year it is hard since I was foolish enough to buy extra Halloween candy just for us.

So I try just to have a very very small piece to satisfy my craving. Sometimes I'll overdo it and feel sick too... silly me.