Wednesday, November 04, 2009
The day of days.
I woke up very clearheaded and sure of myself this morning. My decision was made and I was sticking to it. That was until I started answering some comments that I had gotten to my previous posts and I wonder at the wiseness of discussing my life on line into the minutest detail, because, of course, I get all sorts of advice and that causes me to doubt my own mind and my own decisions. I again feel the insecurity creep in and again feel my nerves stretch taut and I want to reach for my medication and take an extra pill to make it all more bearable. Which I end up doing.
Because I had gotten up early, and because the worrying made me so tired, I went back to bed for a while and woke up at 9 am. I got dressed in a hurry and walked the dog and made cigarettes. Then I hopped on my bike to go to creative therapy where I arrived a bit late, but where everyone was hapy to see me nevertheless. The therapist had been informed about my dilemma and was up to date and very supportive. She talked to me about what I wanted to do and I said that I wanted to cancel my enrollment in the new classes. So we talked about that for a while and she wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a mistake and then she decided that she would go with me when I went to see the head therapist when I told her this.
The rest of the morning I worked on my painting that is going very slowly, but I was having a hard time keeping my mind on it. We women chatted about other things and everything under the sun. There were no men in the class, which loosens us up to talk about women's issues more. Having a chocolate bar in the house and not being able to just eat one piece of it, but having one square of it one after the other until it is all gone. Can you imagine a man discussing this? Or what kind of chocolate is best to eat with what kind of filling. And I say pure chocolate bonbons with a creamy filling, but we were divided on that, though we all agreed that pure chocolate was the healthiest to eat.
We drank tea and I had green tea with two sugars in it and it was delicious, although one sugar would have sufficed. I must remember that for the next time. The therapist had a Toblerone chocolate bar and we ate that and some of us had more than our share of it. It had nuts in it and it was good.
At the end of the session the therapist and I went in search of the head therapist who was all ready to go with me to the new class, but I told her that I wasn't going at all and that I would cancel my enrollment in all the classes. She disagreed with me doing it, but said that the final decision laid with me and that only I could make up my mind about it. She said I acted out of fear and I said I acted out of instinct and she said that she hoped I was right. She also said not to burn my bridges behind me and to leave a possibility to re-enter the program if I needed to. I said I would, but I doubt it.
Then I went to the office downstairs and withdrew officially from the classes, although there was only a secretary who took my message and I'm sure somebody will call me about it. It would surprise me if they didn't.
In the meantime, I have found some Temazepam that are not as strong as the ones I have been taking, but I only have a few of them and took one this afternoon. I still feel the need to settle my nerves, as I'm not back to normal yet. I will be forced to call my psychiatrist to ask him for some to have to take as needed and I don't know if he's going to be happy about that. I will call my SPN and ask her about it. Maybe she can run interference for me. That's what she's there for, after all. Not that my psychiatrist is the boogie man.
I had washed my hair this morning and with much stunt work got it to stay in the right place so it looked like a decent hairdo, but then I got rained on when I went to creative therapy and then someone said, "Oh, your hair looks so nice." I thought, "You've got to be kidding." I looked in the mirror and saw a women with rained on hair, it wasn't especially attractive. I wore no make up, because I hadn't had the time to apply any and it didn't seem to matter, which makes me think I will go for that fresh scrubbed look, or maybe just apply some mascara and not bother with the rest. Since I wear glasses, nobody seems to notice any change in my appearance anyway. Well, except that I wore my cardigan inside out, somebody did notice that, but that was easily solved.
Somebody needs to come and clean my apartment. I seem to be unable to handle it myself. I am snowed under. A day of hard work will set it right, but I don't have it in me. I need help. It's something I need to discuss with my SPN.
I've got to eat now and take a nap. I feel sleep coming on. I'll read little in my book and doze off.
Have a good day you all.