Saturday, September 26, 2009

The second cup...

I've just made myself a second cup of coffee and I think that it will properly waken me. I've had a long night's sleep, nearly eleven hours, and it's taking me a little bit to wake up to the point that I'm completely firing away on all cylinders. Not that I'm not making sense yet, but I still feel a little sluggish and my head feels like it's insulated from my body by cotton wrappings. Which is not such a bad state to be in, I suppose, as long as there are peepholes for my eyes.

I feel hungover after yesterday's incident and I wonder if that is the natural conclusion to an anxiety attack? Or am I feeling hungover from all the sleep I've had? I feel I should have a cold beer as a cure for it, but I won't go that route in case I decide I want more than one. Then I'll really be far from home. So, instead I'm drinking this deliciously strong, extra dark roast coffee and making the best of it. And sitting in my pajamas on top of that, because it is Saturday morning, after all, and I get to be lazy. The dog knows this and is very patient and does his piddles out back, until he really has to go for a walk to do his bigger business.

Did I tell you that I finished reading Secret Scripture? Oh, it was such a wonderful novel and I've just been informed that it was based on a true story. It was so well written and with such compassion and careful thought and eye to detail. I can highly recommend it if you haven't read it yet.

I've now started reading Saving Fish From Drowning by Amy Tan, which is a completely different novel and is taking me a while to get into, but I usually like the books she writes, so I assume I will like this one also.

I've taken to sitting in my armchair in the afternoon with my book and my reading glasses, and my coffee and cigarettes, and reading for a few hours. I only sit in the armchair when I read, so that makes it a special place for that purpose and I don't fall asleep over my book there. It's a real ritual to get ready to sit there and have all my paraphernalia there, so it really is a very special place. By rights I should drink tea there, but I prefer coffee. The dog keeps me company. Of course, I did none of this yesterday when I was preoccupied with something completely different, but I intend to sit there this afternoon.

I am trying not to think beyond today. I am very much trying to live in the moment. I think that's the best defense against anxiety. I think I mustn't anticipate too much, but just let things happen as they come and not worry ahead of time too much. I will avoid doing anything complicated for a while and I will judge each situation for its complexity and make a decision based on it. I think I take after one of my grandmothers who lived in the same house her whole life and who didn't go farther from home than the shops around the corner. Compared to her, I'm quite adventurous. She lived to be ninety four, but she was a very anxious person, I am very laid back in comparison. Jeez, really?

I've just had to get dressed and walk the dog, because he could not wait any longer and much to my surprise it is very nice weather outside, when yesterday it was so cool and autumn like. Mother nature continues to surprise us. The sun is shining and there is no wind and the sky is blue. Wait! Didn't I like overcast skies and a drizzle? I thought so, but actually, today I don't mind this weather too much. As long as it doesn't get too warm and I do assume this is the last of it, so we must enjoy it while we can. I just don't want the weather to remind me of California. As long as it doesn't do that, and I don't make those associations, I'm okay.

My poor boots are falling apart. I need to glue the sole of the other one now and keep it going for a while longer, but they are on their last legs. It's a shame, because I've enjoyed wearing them a lot, but I am hard on my footwear and as a rule it only lasts one season, unless it is incredibly well made and where do you find shoes or boots like that anymore, unless they cost a fortune? I will have to start wearing my other boots that belong to this season more, which is fortunate. I call those my shit kicking boots, but they are lady like, they're just tougher. Actually, they are tough broad boots.

I haven't been a tough broad consciously for a while. It was always my ambition to be one and very often I was very much aware of trying to be one. I haven't felt it that much in a while. Maybe I should concentrate on that desire again. It is why I bought those tough leather jackets that I like to wear so much. I figured tough broads wear tough leather jackets. They also wear tough boots. I want to have some cowboy boots. I've wanted a pair for a while now and just haven't found the right ones for the right price yet. I must look around for some. I think cowboy boots are as tough as you can get, unless they're motorcycle boots, but I'm not going to wear those. I think I can wear cowboy boots on my bike, don't you think so?

I have to mosey along now and check out some blogs. My medication, that I took two and a half hours ago, is working now and I feel much better. Thank goodness for small favors. It has to build up in my system and then I'll be alright. Soon enough I get to take my next dose and I'm looking forward to that.

Have a nice day, all of you, whichever kind of weather you have, be it drizzly or sunny.



Maggie May said...

Glad you are jogging along OK.

My grandmother also lived to be 94 and she didn't venture far from her home. Maybe that was the norm then. To stay at home, I mean. Don't think it was normal in those days to live that long.

So pleased you enjoyed Secret Scriptures as I did.
Although I haven't read that particular book by Amy Tan, I have read several others by her and have found them to be really good. Completely different from the first one though. Chinese Folklore is often involved in hers.

Gail said...

You are a tough woman, you don't have to have the boots, its an attitude.

Babaloo said...

I can picture you in your armchair, with coffee, cigarettes and your book. It's a lovely picture!

Hope you enjoy your weekend! xxx

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Wow! That was a good nights sleep. It's strange that sometimes sleeping a long time can actually make you feel more tired.

You're right about living in the moment. Anxiety is all about worrying about things that might happen in the future.

I can just imagine you in some cowboy boots! I think they'd look great.

The weather continues far too warm here. It's overcast now and very muggy. The leaves on the trees have turned even though it's been 20+ degrees every day. I wonder hoe they know it's autumn?

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I just gave you an Honest Scrap Award because I admire your honesty so much. It takes real guts to write about yourself in the way you do.

See my blog for details.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Stacie said...

I hate anxiety! I am changing my medication for the first time in many years and I have to completely come off of one to go on to the other. The withdraw from Effexor has been a nightmare but I guess i owe it to the medication. It certainly has been good to me for a very long time.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Hi Stacy, it must be very difficult to wean yourself off one medication completely before you start on another one. I have never done it and would not look forward to it very much. Good luck. I use Effexor also and it has done me a lot of good. Which one are you going to be using now?