Friday, February 26, 2010

It's working well!

I've decided not to watch any Olympics this evening, but instead to catch up on my blog reading, which I was very behind on. I'll get my pajamas on in a while and make myself comfortable on the sofa and watch some Olympics then. They are broadcast all night because of the time difference. I don't know what I'm going to do when the Olympics are over. Life will be so boring when everything gets back to normal. Well, maybe not. There was life before the Olympics, after all, and somehow I managed. I know I read a lot more books then.

I'm taking my medicines for my airway infection and I must say that the codeine works very well. I'm allowed to take it 4 times a day and it completely takes away the pain, making it a lot easier to breathe, allowing me to do things as if there is hardly anything the matter with me. So, needless to say, I did some chores today.

First I cleaned up that torn bag of cat litter. I was a ten kilo bag and when I tried to pick it up, the bottom fell out and all the cat litter dropped on the ground. I swept it all up and put it in a different bag and then swept the whole room which was covered in dog hair and debris from outside that the cats and the dogs had tracked in and other dust and soil. It hadn't been properly cleaned in a while and it is where the back door is, so you can imagine what it looked like. It looked like the great outdoors.

Since that was done so successfully, and since I was hardly out of breath, I vacuumed the apartment next. I didn't rush the job, but did it nice and easy, as if I had all the time in the world, which I did. I vacuumed up the last of Jesker's hair that was stuck beneath the furniture and now that is all gone. Tyke doesn't shed any hair. His fur is thick and curly, but I have yet to find any laying around.

Now I have to mop the floors, which is going to be a lot of work, so I saved that job for another day. I have a sponge mop and I think it is more work than a rag mop, though I am still undecided which of the two I like better. I know I will feel a lot happier once the floors are clean, because they are mucky now. I do want to pick the right moment to clean them, when I have a lot of energy and I know I can get the job done. I will do them in stages and take little breaks in between.

My nose is still plugged up and I can't blow it now. Everything is stuck. It causes me to talk funny. My throat is slighty sore and hoarse, and my chest is rattly, but it doesn't hurt thanks to the codeine. I know that in a few days I will feel a lot better. I'm already glad that I'm able to do chores so much easier and that I'm not just lying on the sofa being sick. That's a great relief to me.

Lately I've been having regular crises over the value of the purpose of my existence. I very much miss having a reason to go on living for other than Tyke, and before that it was Jesker. I think of how tough it has been to survive this past winter and how very much I don't want to have another winter like it and that I'm not happy with the prospect that I'm going to have winters like that for the rest of my life. I wonder about the true purpose of my life and what it really is all about and I don't see much reason for it, other than to just get up in the morning and somehow make the best of it until I go to sleep. It doesn't seem like a very fruitful and useful life.

I wish there were an option to step out of your life when you think it has been enough. That you've lived the life you've wanted to live and that you don't see much purpose in going on living. When the negatives of life outweigh the positives and there's not enough happiness left in it. I find myself in that position now and I very gladly would have followed Jesker into his eternal sleep. I'm quite envious of him to have died such a peaceful death. Just one little injection of sleep medication is all it took.

Well, that's all I have to say about the subject for now. I'm sure I'll talk more about it later. It's open for discussion.



Maggie May said...

You have done well with your chores so far.
Be warned. I have been on codeine for joint pain during chemo..... it will block you up! You will either need to eat figs & prunes or take a laxative!

Hope you feel better soon.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Gail said...

I like the cleaning part but not the stepping out part.

Babaloo said...

I'm with Gail - the second part of your post came a bit unexpected. That long winter sure is a drag and doesn't do your mood (and mine) any good. I'm glad the stepping out part isn't that easy because our moods vary so much that one day you'd want to step out and then you'd be missing all the joys and fun of the following days. And I'm sure once you start thinking about it there's more than Tyke to your life!


Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I'm glad the medication is working so well and you were able to get some jobs done. But try not to overdo it or it will take longer to get better. It's amazing actually that you're able to be up and about so soon. I know when I had the flu I was out for the count for the first two weeks and still really struggling even in the third week.

It's great that Tyke doesn't shed his fur - should make the cleaning much less arduous in future! Or maybe it's that young dogs shed less fur? I don't know.

About your crisis - I do understand. So many times over the last few years I have felt there was little point in me carrying on. I even thought of myself as just a shit machine. Literally I was doing nothing more than keeping myself going physically for no reason at all. I have been able to do nothing of any use these past few years. I don't have any children or any family I am in contact with. Helping the Bear occasionally is the only thing I do. And he could easily exist without me - as he did for 46 years before I met him.

You are there for your sisters, and your daughter and the Exfactor. And the animals of course.

Maybe it would help to start doing some creative work again? To have something to focus on outside the house. Being at home most of the time can make one very insular - I should know!

Hope you're feeling better tonight and your chest and nasal congestion aren't stopping you sleeping.

Bearfriend xx

aims said...

My friend - As you well know I seriously contemplated following my Dolly. And I felt like that for many many months. Some days I still feel like that.

There are other good reasons to stay but we forget about them when we feel like this and only realize it once we experience them (that is if we do recognize them and appreciate them).

Know how you are feeling my friend. Remember you are genuinely cared about by many.

Word verification - guesses - how appropriate.

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