On a quiet night...

I find myself in a relatively peaceful state of mind and will take the opportunity to share a bit of what has been going on around here with you. Not that an awful lot has, I spent most of my days in the pursuit of quiet activities. That is because I'm in the process of quitting the last little bit of my anti-psychotics because it became impossible for me to take it any longer. 

The last little bit that I was taking was giving me hot flashes and a case of nerves that only wore off over the course of the day. It was kind of unpleasant and it became a real bother to take that pill in the morning. It was not something that I was looking forward to. 

Because I was taking such a small dose, I will probably not have much of a withdrawal effect but I am not completely steady on my feet. It will probably take me the better part of a week to get back to normal but I am not doing too badly for the most part.

As a result of that, I don't have any big expectations of myself this week and I keep daily life relatively simple and very structured. I try to spend time living in the moment and to not anticipate what is going to happen too much. It is a real reward when I achieve that. 

I suppose I will always be a bit of a Buddhisr and always be in pursuit of my Zen moments. I do strive for peace of mind. 

I've lost weight and fit into my summer dresses really well which is good because the weather has been very agreeable. We will have summertime yet.

Buddha himself...

Buddha himself couldn't have felt more at peace with the world than I do now and feel such inner happiness. Okay, I'm exaggerating. I'm sure I haven't quite reached those spiritual heights, but I do feel good. I'm quite contended with myself and the world I live in and there's not very much I could complain about right now and if I did, I'd be a fool. I realize that this is a mood and that like all moods it has a beginning and an ending, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I don't want anyone coming along and messing with it.

My SPN and I went to the meeting with my contact person at Social Services today and the thumb screws weren't put on me to get me out there and get to work as quickly as possible, as a matter of fact, I'm now released from renewing my status as a work seeker every three months in order to keep my right to my monthly allowance. That means that nobody can force me to take a job or make me look for one, nor do I have to do any volunteer work. I'm completely released from that pressure. All I have to do is follow my therapy with my SPN, take my medication, see my psychiatrist and get better.

It was a good thing that my SPN was with me, because it gave a lot of clarity by her asking all the right questions and providing background information. I was overwhelmed by the conversation and had to digest it all when we left there, and then acted silly in the car to get rid of the tension. My SPN is so absolutely cool.

That's why I am in such an excellent mood, because I feel like the weight of the world has fallen off my shoulders and I can breathe freely again. A lot of my anxiety is gone. I'd been struggling with that portion of my life for a long time. I felt so very much beholden to the system.

Well, I'm sure I'll find something else to feel anxious about. It is after all in the nature of the beast, but it will not be continually, it will only be sometimes. That's another thing I'm learning. Feelings are temporary conditions, they come and go. You don't get stuck in them. They are very fleeting, and another thing I'm learning is that you always return to your center of gravity where there is rest and peace. You don't have to be all over the place, going from one emotion to another. Sometimes there is just wellbeing. A lot of times, maybe.

I've just had my third and last cup of coffee for today . It tasted very nice and was worth the long wait, but I must say that I did not crave it all day long. There was no great longing for caffeine. This new medication seems to take care of all sorts of cravings. It's a very soothing medicine. It makes you feel very calm. I've never had that happen with a medicine before.

I've got to go walk Tyke before it's completely dark outside.

Have a happy evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Up early and then wat?

I woke up at 4 am and was done sleeping, but even after one cup of coffee I felt none of my usual enthusiasm. So, I had another cup of coffee, figuring that's what I needed, but it's not working very well. Instead, I feel very introspective and quiet and like I need to be very low key today and not undertake any major tasks. That's alright, because I did not have any planned and today I can just be a woman in an almost empty space with not much going on, except ruminating my own thoughts and keeping myself somewhat occupied with odd jobs. I find perfect comfort with that, and won't worry about it not being good enough to get me through the day. Sometimes it's good to be very quiet and let the silence speak for itself. I think I need that after the chaos of yesterday and the busy day I'll have tomorrow, because I have to go grocery shopping too, besides getting my hair cut and seeing my GP.

I don't mind these introspective, quiet times, because I don't associate them with a depressed feeling, more a suppressed feeling, but not to the point that I have no emotions at all, I just have fewer of them and they don't matter as much and I don't let them hurt me or worry me. I suppose it is a little bit like going in retreat and not being caught up in the details of life. Being aware, but not being upset or impassioned or otherwise greatly effected.

So it is in this dissociated mood that I sit here and drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes in the silence of the morning. In a little while, I will go back to bed and sleep a few more hours, or I may sit on the sofa and stare into the middle distance and meditate about life and let my mind drift into nothingness. That's the nicest place to be. Silence can have such a good quality about it. It's when you literally think you hear nothing, although there probably is always some noise in the background that doesn't quite penetrate your mind or that you've learned to ignore.

It's a day on which you realize which things don't matter and which things you shouldn't get excited about. It would be good to have more days like that, but it's nice enough to have a day like that sometimes. If I were a true Buddhist, I would be able to meditate myself into a state of mind like this more often. I think that's what it's all about. I suppose my normal self is too stressed to be able to do it, though I should try it and see if it works.

That's really all I have to share with you this morning. I'm going to eat breakfast now and see where my path leads me next. There is a very good book to read and it had my name on it.

Ciao.
Nora

Outside it is raining...

I'll admit right from the start that I'm in a bit of a funk, so this may not become the most cheerful post I've ever written. I've just allowed a wave of memories to wash over me and that was triggered by an email of one of my blogger friends who unwittingly got me thinking about my past and this released a whole slew of images and thoughts and unresolved issues in my mind and a lot of sore feelings and regrets. They are all things that I have to learn to live with and that I normally keep at bay, but every once in a while there is an opening and it all comes bubbling to the top. Well, actually, it's more like a mini eruption and I realize what I walk around with still and how that never will be resolved, unless I go into therapy with my first ex-husband and have about 20 sessions with him in order for me to heal. Well, maybe that's exaggerating it a little bit, but it would be a lot of work, because there is so much sadness and resentment there. Then again, maybe there is so much there, that it would be like a huge destructive force that would destroy everything and maybe it's better if it's left alone and put away forever. Yet I wonder how much it influences my daily life and how it determines the things I do and say. I think maybe it makes a big impact.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath and allowing myself to come back in the here and now. This is where I am and this is where I function. I have to do that to the best of my ability and make a success of it and not stumble and fumble and fall down too often. I have to remember to stay grounded and to not let the past immobilize me and render me paralyzed with its power over me. I've got a second chance to do it right and to show the world that I do know how to function well and that my head is screwed on straight and that I can take a beating and come up fighting. I was so cast down after the first time, so mortally wounded and so very much near death that I didn't think I was going to survive it. I didn't want to survive it for a long time. I kept on living because doing the opposite is very difficult, selfish as that sounds to people who cling to life. If I don't keep everything at bay, my death wish grows and I give up.

That's why I have to make the effort to come back to the period in time in which I am living now and to stay there and to always live in this moment, like a true Buddhist. To not look back and to not look too far ahead, but to be present now and here this very minute. Me, sitting here behind the computer, while the dog sleeps on his blanket and outside it is dark and it rains. That's where I find my peace. I hear the rain dripping down and I like the sound of it. I hope it will stop in a while, though, because I have to walk the dog one more time and neither one of us likes to go out in the rain.

Actually, it is very cozy in here with the lights on and the darkness outside. It makes me feel like when I was a child and everybody was home and we were gathered in the dining room, sitting around the table each doing various things that kept us occupied. My mother knitting, my father reading and my older sister and I making things with paper and crayons and glue. See, I do have some happy memories.

I've just fed the dog two slices of rye bread with grilled luncheon meat. He likes it very much. I've decided I'm not going to eat it myself anymore. It's too painful an experience for too little food. I'm left hungry and unable to eat more and all I can think about is food. This afternoon I had a bowl of porridge and it was so very satisfying that I'm still full from it. I will only need a glass of fruit juice before I go to bed, probably. When I think about eating a slice of rye bread with luncheon meat, I feel a terrible distaste and I put it off as long as I can, until I feel faint with hunger. I figured that was no good either.

I think it has stopped raining, so I will take out his majesty. He's been begging to go for a while now. In between begging, he falls sound asleep.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

At times...

At times you have nothing to say at all, or rather, nothing you can say, but you feel that you need to reach out and communicate anyway through putting down words, any words, insignificant words even, as long as you reach out and say something to somebody who is reading you. Tonight is one of those night when I could tell you many things, but am unable to for various reasons, and yet I so very much need to feel that I am in touch with all of you who read me and that this somehow is going to help me feel better and like not such a lonely, sore person.

I feel very alone tonight and am in desperate need of company, yet there is no company to be found anywhere beside the dog and the cats. My sister is in Tokyo and the Exfactor is at home a half an hour away from here. I have to get through this night on my own and I´m not doing that so gracefully up to now. I´m afraid I´ve cut myself in my arm in an effort to get rid of the bad feelings I was having and was unable to get rid off. I have carefully cleaned the wound and taped it closed and put an bandage around it and for now that will do. I hope that will do.

I don´t write that down to shock you or to get you to feel sorry for me, but to give you an idea of my state of mind, which is not good, of course. I´m in an awful place and you don´t want to follow me there. I promise not to lure you there, but to try and come out of it. To talk myself out of it. To help get me in a better mood I have turned on some music and I´m listening to Bjork now. There is drum music in it and its rhythm is like the rhythm of a fluttering heart beat and very strong. I have the base turned up high so it sounds extra nice.

I have let down my guard this weekend, which is something I should never do and had not planned on doing. It happened quite unexpectedly and by accident. Once I had let it down, I kept it down, despite a little nagging voice in the back of my head that was warning me of the potential danger. That voice became louder today and I listened to it and came to a conclusion and acted on it and made a decision. I am dealing with the fall out of it now and I hope I will be okay again tomorrow morning after I have seen my SPN at 9 am. God forbid that I should sleep late and not make it to that appointment.

I didn´t sleep well last night and as a result slept until noon this afternoon. I tried to get up a few times before that, but I was unsuccessful. Every time I got up, I was still stuck in quicksand until the final time when I felt good and able to face the world. I got deeply wounded between then and now. I will not allow myself to be hurt. I can not afford it. I will not fall into the trap again. I have built up my life so carefully to be self sufficient and autonomous and free of entanglements and I almost threw it away.

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I've slept on the sofa for a few hours and feel less melodramatic now, although equally sore. I mean sore on the inside. I accidentally closed this without saving it and I thought that if it was still here, I would continue writing it. If not, I wouldn't bother with the whole thing and as you can see, it was still here. That's fate for you. Fate determines whether or not you get to read this. I'm s great believer in fate and how it determines the course of your life. That doesn't mean I take it lying down, because I do protest, but in the end there is a reason for everything, I suppose, a cause for why things happen and a lesson to be learned from them, no matter how obscure it may look at first.

So I must draw my lessons out of this current episode. After I have gone through all the pain of it. Buddhism is a handy religion and I let it be my guide. There is no punishing God and revengeful Father. There is only the desire for insight and understanding and the search for peace and tranquility. Those are the states of mind I wish to find. It's too bad I need to go through the motions of the old religion first to get to the newer one. Everything in life is a journey through your old habits in a reaction to what happens to you, and you need to make the journey quicker and in a straighter line every time something happens, until you skip certain things altogether and not bother with them anymore.

And now I need to go to bed, because I'm awfully tired. My thoughts are becoming sluggish and my mind is slowing down. It will be good to lie down and go to sleep, I'm ready for it.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

This is silly....

This is silly. I just wrote a post and now I feel like writing another one. It must be because I'm in such a good mood and want to convey that to the world and you are my willing and captive audience, but by all means, go read the other post too.

It may also be that I don't want to do another thing, but sit here behind the computer while it is chilly and gray outside and the dog lies snoring on his blanket and makes it sound so cozy in here. Several cats are laying around, curled up, sound asleep, and add to the coziness of the scene. We're looking like a scene out of a novel about a woman who lives with her dog and several cats in her cozy, though somewhat messy apartment. A painting should be made of this. The title should be, "Woman in Gray on a Rainy Afternoon." It will sell for millions and I will get a commission.

I wish I could write my own biography, but because I am not talented and objective enough, I wish for a very good writer to come along and through many interviews and long discussions, write it for me instead. I would so like to see the story of my life on paper and it wouldn't have to be the cleaned up version either. I would disclose all the skeletons in my closet and explain every move I made. It would be an exposure that would make Virginia Woolf proud, if she could know about it in the hereafter.

At one time I had the secret ambition to go on the stage, though by nature I am a shy person, but it appealed to me to put on a different persona and emote out of the feelings of that person and really put the drama and the comedy and the tragedy into it. I could imagine myself boldly stepping onto the stage and speaking my lines as if they were my own words and having those feelings as if they were my own and throwing all my passion into them.

Even though I am mostly a subdued person in real life, I still have that longing to emote and dramatize and to make life bigger than it is in reality and to put on a big show in which I say profound things and have much body language and grand gestures and a loud voice that fills the space I'm in. I wish to be like a diva and have all the attention focused on me, without becoming a spoiled brat.

I want to stand on a stage and have a large audience applaud me for a long time and shout and whistle and toss flowers at my feet and then go to my dressing room and have chocolates and champagne and admirers, both male and female, and be showered by accolades. What a heady thing that would be.

You see how I have this desire for attention and fame, while in my real life nothing even comes close. The only thing in which I stand out is the way I dress and that is an attention getter. It's my token gesture to what I really want.

Liv Ullman, Ingrid Bergman, Katherine Hepburn and Meryl Streep are my big role models. I would wish to be like them, so ultimately in control of my craft. Strong women who stride through life with big paces. Who command attention by their very personalities.

So, now you know about my secret wishes. There are probably more. The other night I had a dream about a man who I fell in love with. He came from Tibet and had a very good soul, because he was like a Buddhist monk and meditated often. There were other men in that dream. Western capitalistic men, but I chose him because of his inner peace. To me that means that I know the quality of the man I'm looking for. Well, I'm not actively looking, but if I run across him, I'll know.

I am very much attracted to Buddhism and meditating, but I don't know if I possess the qualities to do those things well. I may cheat and try to find shortcuts. It must be very difficult to sit quietly for one hour in one position and to not want to smoke a cigarette, but I think one day I will find a guru, someone who can take me by the hand and lead me through the process. I do want to have a Higher Experience, to go somewhere towards a Higher Being and be one with it. If only for a short time. Or repeated short times.

Now you know another secret. I am like the Book of the Apocalypse here. All will be known.

I have to walk the dog now. We're completely off schedule because of the rain, which hasn't really stopped for most of the day. Sometimes it's just a little more than a heavy mist and then it gets serious again. I think it has stopped now, so I must take the opportunity.

Ciao...