No fooling around now...

That pill that allows me to fall asleep only keeps me asleep for a few hours and then I'm wide awake again. It's not a real sleeping pill, which is good, because I've heard from people who take those that they are very groggy in the morning and that they suffer the consequences of them the next day. At least I don't have that. I am wide awake after it has worn off and any sleeping I do later, I do on my own. I may as well try and get off it and it is one of the things I will try to do soon. First I have to quit smoking.

The day went well yesterday. Everybody came and went and the Exfactor put the coffee table together without any trouble. It is very nice and solid. The area rug arrived while he was working on it, so we put it in place and then put the coffee table on top of it. The area rug is dark gray and the coffee table is black. It looks good and will look even better when the sofa is in place.

After the Exfactor left. I walked to the flower shop with Tyke and bought two large ivy plants in square, lime green pots. I put one on the coffee table along with a sculpture, so now Tyke can't jump on top of it. He's been foiled. He does like the rug very much and likes to lie down on it. It is soft and warm. I put the other ivy on the dining table, to pull the interior together. I do have to make sure that I always have a bouquet of flowers, because it cheers the place up so very much. I have to make a point of that.

I'm not hypomanic anymore. I came down to earth yesterday afternoon and now I am completely calm and sober minded. I hadn't realized that I was hypomanic until I stopped being it and then it became clear to me. I suspected it last week, but thought I was over it. It's a relief not to be it anymore, because I was outshouting myself. Making too much noise, having too many stars in my eyes. Now I'm down to a manageable level and I'm going at an easier pace. It's a more realistic state of mind to quit smoking in.

I like being this calm me. I am almost sedate. At least I'm more introspective and I like that. I'm not on the run for anything. The hypomanic me got a lot of things done, the calm me gets to enjoy them. I can be more objective like this and think about things in a more rational way, without high running emotions. I also feel that I can rest and be quiet and that everything will happen in its own good time. The last thing I want to do now is turn on the light therapy lamp. That will turn me back up.

My sister is giving a house warming party tonight and she has invited lots of people. If only half of them show up, it will be a full house. She'll have food and drinks and good company. I will make it a point not to drink too much wine. I do have to ride my bike home.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

More than I was aiming for...

My post to entertain you all last night, turned somewhat introspective, no doubt because of the late hour and the intimate and cozy setting it was written in. Besides, when a person is only talking to herself without immediate feedback, it does give you a tendency to get deeper into a subject than might have been your intention and you have to call yourself back from those places that get too refelctive and do some editing once in a while. That means deleting large portions of self indulgant drivel.

Introspection is good, as long as I stay on this side of the line of reality. It's not good to see myself as a goodly earth mother, with ancient Saxon roots, who is connected to nature and all that lives in it and who lives in a hut in a meadow and brews potions to make all your ailments disappear, though it is a lovely thought. I need to be the real me in the real world and not fantasize lyrical about willow trees and cows in the meadow by the stream.

I've had that period in my life and was completely disconnected from reality, insulated from it, although I also think back on it with some amount of pleasure, but I can weep for the fog caught in the twisted oak trees and the moss on the forest floor and the deer that walked there through the dead leaves. There are bits of scar tissue in my heart from that.

Right, and now for something completely different. I am drinking more coffee again. Not as much as I was before, but more than the three cups I was drinking lately. I am now drinking about six cups a day and most of it in the morning. I don't know where this sudden desire came from, although it may have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the Senseo machine and the coffee tastes better now. I was drinking a bitter cup before that took the pleasure out of it. I'm also sleeping less and in more need of a pick me up in the morning and I do notice the difference. So, more coffee it is. Whether or not it is good for me. Experience will tell.

I guess you always have periods in your life when you are more sensible about yourself and when you are not. Last night I didn't get to sleep on time and I woke up relatively early this morning. I know I won't take a nap all day, because I've sworn those off and that leaves me no other choice but to go to bed on time tonight. I don't know how that affects the reality of my day, or better, how I experience it. I know it has a tendency to make me lazy and to not want to do anything that requires physical effort, although that's probably just the thing I should do. That would put a different slant on my day and my attitude. I can't always be living in my head and monitoring my emotions. Sometimes I have to step out of it and experience something else.

I slept on my elbow wrong and I can't bend my arm without having pain in my hand. Usually it disappears after I've been up for a while, but now it's hanging on stubbornly. That poor nerve must really be pinched. I wish I knew what to do about it, but I know of no exercise that can help it. I want to take something for the pain, but I don't know how that affects my other medicines, so I'm afraid to do it. I'm so happy when I feel good, that I'm afraid to add another pill to the mixture to upset the balance. Already I can't take the vitamin and mineral capsule, because it completely interferes with the working of my other medicines.

I have to go and do some household chores now. Tomorrow the domestic help comes and I have to have these things done before she gets here. That means I have to shut the computer off. By the way, I didn't even finish my third cup of coffee. I had enough of it.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Up early and then wat?

I woke up at 4 am and was done sleeping, but even after one cup of coffee I felt none of my usual enthusiasm. So, I had another cup of coffee, figuring that's what I needed, but it's not working very well. Instead, I feel very introspective and quiet and like I need to be very low key today and not undertake any major tasks. That's alright, because I did not have any planned and today I can just be a woman in an almost empty space with not much going on, except ruminating my own thoughts and keeping myself somewhat occupied with odd jobs. I find perfect comfort with that, and won't worry about it not being good enough to get me through the day. Sometimes it's good to be very quiet and let the silence speak for itself. I think I need that after the chaos of yesterday and the busy day I'll have tomorrow, because I have to go grocery shopping too, besides getting my hair cut and seeing my GP.

I don't mind these introspective, quiet times, because I don't associate them with a depressed feeling, more a suppressed feeling, but not to the point that I have no emotions at all, I just have fewer of them and they don't matter as much and I don't let them hurt me or worry me. I suppose it is a little bit like going in retreat and not being caught up in the details of life. Being aware, but not being upset or impassioned or otherwise greatly effected.

So it is in this dissociated mood that I sit here and drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes in the silence of the morning. In a little while, I will go back to bed and sleep a few more hours, or I may sit on the sofa and stare into the middle distance and meditate about life and let my mind drift into nothingness. That's the nicest place to be. Silence can have such a good quality about it. It's when you literally think you hear nothing, although there probably is always some noise in the background that doesn't quite penetrate your mind or that you've learned to ignore.

It's a day on which you realize which things don't matter and which things you shouldn't get excited about. It would be good to have more days like that, but it's nice enough to have a day like that sometimes. If I were a true Buddhist, I would be able to meditate myself into a state of mind like this more often. I think that's what it's all about. I suppose my normal self is too stressed to be able to do it, though I should try it and see if it works.

That's really all I have to share with you this morning. I'm going to eat breakfast now and see where my path leads me next. There is a very good book to read and it had my name on it.

Ciao.
Nora