Thursday, March 10, 2011

No woman, no cry...

It's in the middle of the night again and I am up as usual. It's the same old routine as it always is and really, I would not want it any different, unless my psychiatrist gave me pills that actually made me sleep through the whole night. I thinks that's a pipe dream, however, and I won't hold my breath waiting for them. I wonder if such a pill actually exists. It would have to be a horse pill that put me completely under.

I do long for blessed sleep like that, but as long as I don't get it, I don't mind being up in the middle of the night and sitting behind the computer under the influence of my sleep medication and writing a blog post because it does take away my inhibitions. It makes it easier for me to write. I can turn out all sorts of nonsense without worrying about it too much. I'm slightly dopey and not to be held completely accountable. I will blame whatever idiotic things I write on the drugs. 

I suppose I'm like an alcoholic who writes under the influence of booze and turns out masterpieces. Not that I claim to write those, but I write a heck of a lot better when I'm under the influence of sleep medication than when I'm stone cold sober. I tried that earlier tonight and absolutely nothing came of it. All I was faced with was the stark reality of life and all its bareness and it scared me to death. I could not face it and write about it. It immobilized my mind.

I saw the harsh gray outlines of life and its grim contours and its unkind face and I didn't like it. It was all harsh cement and cold gray stone and unreflective glass facades and I felt intimidated by it. I don't want to live in a world like that. I want to live in a world in which the contours are softened and the colors are kinder. My sleep medication makes it so. It's like seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Call it escapism, but who do I hurt by escaping it? I still function in it. I'll be sober again in the morning, which it almost is now.

Of course, that's why I like being up so much in the middle of the night. I wouldn't like it if I were not under the influence. No doubt I would do everything I could to stay asleep or at least in bed, unpleasant as that might be. I honestly doubt I would sleep very much. 

Do I lay bare my soul too much? So be it.

I'm going back to bed shortly. I'll take my morning medicines and crawl back under the duvet. It's when I do my best sleeping.

Have a good day.



Frances said...

funny that your sleep meds keep you awake and your morning meds let you sleep. Maybe you are just going through a nocturnal phase?
I find I get later and later if I don't watch it. Then I am groggy in the day and find it more and more difficult to get up or be productive. Then at night all that hyperness comes back.
Hope you get it sorted

Bev said...

You write very well about the effects of your sleep medication.

Like Frances, I wonder why you wake in the night. However, you always do something productive in that you write a blog post about your feelings. I think that is the best thing you can do x

Gail said...

You write beautifully in either state. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Turn one of those gray rocks over and you may find the color you long for.

Nora said...

Bev, I think I subconsciously seek the thrill of the high. That's why I get up. I could probably go back to sleep if I tried my best.