Sunday, October 05, 2008

Yes, I do...

Yes, I do change the header picture of my blog often, but that is because I try to keep things exciting and because I have Mozilla Firefox as a browser and they have an add on called FoxSaver through which you discover the most beautiful photographs and while I browse through them, I always run into images that I can't resist and have to save and use for my blog one day. I do so love good photography and wish I could be a good photographer myself, but I am light years away from taking an image as good as the ones that I use as my header images now.

Luckily, there are people out there taking fabulous photographs and sharing them with us. I go to a site and type in the search term 'landscape' and get 83 pages filled with photographs of nothing but beautiful landscapes. By the time I get to page 15, I am saturated and have picked out 4 or 5 images that I really like. One day soon, I'll go back and continue looking and try to find those images that really blow me away. It's a great sport. I suppose that means that of all the arts, I like photography the best. That may be because it is the most accessible.


I have a confession to make. I realized these past few days that I still love the Exfactor very much. I think it is better if I tell you about it instead of walking around with this knowledge silently. It is not driving me crazy or making me have sleepless nights and I don't think we're magically going to have a reconciliation, but I would hate it very much if he disappeared out of my life.

I realized that I am not interested in any other men, but that I do care about the Exfactor a lot. I care enough so that I always look my best when I know he's coming over and I very much want to make a good impression on him when he sees me, but I don't want to start fighting for him. I mean, I am not going to go into competition with the Paramount for the Exfactor's love.

I am just going to stay me the way I am now, which is an independent, autonomous, well functioning woman who can make her own way through life. I am going to stay friendly and kind and stick to my own opinions. I don't want to win the Exfactor back and always have to worry about losing him to another woman. I would never have that sense of security again.

So, I am staying alone and solitary. Thats the best thing for me to do. It is a life I can handle most easily and it has the least amount of complications. I must keep everything as simple as possible and not clutter it up with all sorts of events and people and emotions. The Exfactor and I will have our 'divorce party' and we will invite everybody we like and have a good time and you know what they say, "Fake it until you make it."


I thought I was going to get hypomanic again after lowering my dose of anti psychotic medication, but no such thing has happened. If anything, I have been contemplative, mulling over my many sins, no doubt. Well, not that there are so many. I do try to give some thought to the ordinary every day things that make up the many moments of my life and how to get them all running smoothly. Not everything is in my hands, but I have to catch the ball as it is played to me. I need to pay attention to those things and keep my head in order.

On Tuesday, I have to go to a hearing about my objection about not having been paid welfare over the month of July. I think the deck is stacked against me, but I'll give it my best shot. The system doesn't work for the little people, it works against them. Its duty is to torment you as much as possible, not to care for you when you most need it. It's called the hardening of society and it all started with the era of Reagan and Thatcher. Whatever happens in America and Britain, happens in Western Europe as well.

The tax people didn't call, so I have to call them back. I tried to do that Friday afternoon, but they said I couldn't call until Monday. Strict rules to live by! Don't ever try to circumvent the system. Even when you don't know that you are.

I ordered cat and dog food on line, guaranteed to be there within 48 hours, that's great, but I got an email saying the cat food would be delayed and that is exactly what I need the most.

Do I sense a lessening of faith in government institutions and on line cat food sellers?

I do so love it when people do exactly what they said they would, but nowadays I have come to expect that they will not. I consider it almost normal that I have to go into action because things are not done according to plan.

Well, enough of that. I've bared my soul. Treat it gently.



Lisa Sarsfield said...

I have a nest with your name on it anytime you need it! I also have a little something for you on my blog, or atleast I will do tomorrow...

Please come by and collect it (by complete fluke you happened to start this post about photography today!)

I dare not comment on loving from a distance...I'll leave it to those who've had a bit of experience at it. I do know however that your witty, wise and inspirational:)

Elaine said...

I love the new header.

Sometimes loving someone from afar is the only way, isn't it? If you can still have the exfacor in your life without it getting messy then that would be wonderful. Good luck, Irene. x

Frances said...

I wrote a long comment, but decided against it - as I don't want to provoke any negativity from any of your friends. T
I believe love is a positive. I am glad you have people you love in your life and that you are grounded nowadays and learning independence. You and the Exfactor have moved out of that dangerous unhealthy co-dependence and that can only be good.
I also believe he is still a good friend to you in many ways. It is your business who you love and what you do - I agree with Lisa and Elaine.
Keep well - hugs from here.

John said...

Frances is smarter than I am.

Take care of yourself. You are a gift and a guardian angel....

Madge said...

it sounds to me like you are in a good place, i hope you can rest there awhile.

Debi said...

It's no surprise to me, your confession. It takes a while for our hearts to catch up with our minds.

You are a loving person, so why wouldn't your love for the once-most-important person in your life not stop at will.

Fake it until you make it is not a bad way to go. And as you go along, you'll figure it out, one at a time, the things you must do to continue to work through this.

You are in my thoughts.

Suessigkeit said...

I can relate...I still have love for my kiddo's dad despite all the history. Sometimes being apart is simply for the best, or maybe over time we evolve. No rush though...time has a funny way of resolving these fissures.

Big xo, your kiddo

aims said...

Your confession does not come as any surprise at all Irene. This was a person you felt safe with for a long time and who broke your heart. You didn't break his.

So yes - you are in a place where a lot of us have been. Torn between what was bad and what is good.

It's not a bad thing.

The bad thing is the government screwing you over. You start saying you love the government and I'll have to come over there and set your head on straight - :0)

Bev said...

There is nothing wrong with a bit of negativity from time to time. I myself am never provoked into it as for me it comes as naturally as breathing LOL

I would love to see some photos that you have taken with your new camera as a header, like the ones you did of your town.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Irene sorry you feel like that but it's early days and you can't just switch off love.

Also sorry I am behind. My bloglines has not updated, or O thought I added you and I haven't. I will do it now. Love the header and the new hair colour. You look even younger. Hugs.

Grit said...

a heart felt and thought provoking post. good wishes, irene.

Babaloo said...

Like almost everyone else here, I'm not surprised about your "confession". I'd be surprised if you didn't have any feelings for him anymore. You can't just switch off feelings. But they change over time anyway, whether we want them to or not. I'm glad you're getting on OK with each other. Not everyone manages that.

And I do hope your hearing goes right for you. Sometimes these things work out better than we expect them to...

The Writer said...

Thanks for putting up the site for the pictures! I was wondering where you got these great landscapes. I will definitely be checking them out. Hope all is going well with you.

Happy wandering!

The Writer...and her dog, Bear

Nora Bee said...

That is brave, to let go of fighting for someone you still love. Good on you. (And no, Prince William didn't make me feel maternal, UNTIL YOU MENTIONED IT. :-)

Breakfast in California said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Breakfast in California said...

What I don't know how to do is add to a comment, so I deleted and I'm starting anew.

The header photos are wonderful.

I hope your heart stays tender and open to what's around the corner. I hope the tax people get themselves sorted out quickly!

P.S. I make a really good Italian custard with the yolks.

Swishy said...

I think "fake it 'til you make it" is about the only way to go in this kind of situation. You'll make it.

Mean Mom said...

The new header is bold and breathtaking!

It seems quite natural to me, that you should still love the exfactor. It is good that he is still around to a certain extent to give you a little support. I imagine that you will come to care less for him and need him less, but that it will happen quite slowly.

I hope that you get on OK at the hearing and that the cat food arrives!