Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Another Monday Night.
After not having gotten quite enough sleep this weekend, I just took a large nap on the sofa and caught up on some much needed rest. I slept for over three hours, meaning that I'll just about be wide awake when I should be getting ready to go to bed in an hour or two, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. There are sleeping pills to take, after all, and one extra won't hurt me if it comes to that.
Now, I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes not typing, trying to figure out how to proceed from this point forward. Of course, I want to share all sorts of things with you, but I don't know if I can. For one thing, it won't just be me I'll be talking about and my emotions are so mixed up right now, because I've just said goodbye and that is always hard to do. Saying goodbye makes me a tougher nut to crack, and I know it does, so that colors the picture that I would be about to paint for you.
When I say goodbye to someone, I haul up the drawbridge and man the ramparts and put guards in each lookout tower. Emotionally I do that. That's to guard my feelings from a major overdose of grief. I start that process before the person has even left, but is about to, and I feel myself withdrawing behind my walls as the time to part draws nearer. I want to say many things, but I don't, and suddenly I don't like or love the person as much as I did before. I stop caring about them as much. You understand why, don't you? It's to keep from feeling hurt when they leave me. It's really a shame, because I push away all the lovely feelings I had and don't allow them to rise to the surface.
Then I pretend that I look forward to my time alone and that I will do lots of fun things when I am. Which is a load of bull, because I always fall into a little black hole after they've gone. I climb back out of it as quickly as I can, but I fall into it nevertheless. I then wait for a signal of love to come to me from the other person. It has to be an overt signal of love. It can't just be a sign of life. It has to have significant meaning or else my heart will harden and I will tighten up the chains to the drawbridge and put locks on them. Only when a significant signal has been received, do I let down my guard and allow myself to feel those lovely thoughts again. And then the process of love and anticipation can start all over again.
How's that? That's some explanation, isn't it? My heart has hardened right now and I'm ready to put those locks on, proving that I'm still the mistress of my own castle. I still have my life to live and my own value as a human being. I will do as I see fit and nothing else until I have been satisfied that I can trust my own instincts again.
Despite the late hour, I'm going to have one more cup of coffee, because I'm just a wee bit sleepy, but I am looking forward to going to bed and reading my book. Being alone isn't all bad. You do get to sleep in your own bed, for one thing. And your dog doesn't jealously watch you cuddle on the sofa.