Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Turning into a cynic...

It's late at night and I'm having my usual cup of coffee, because I'm not at all worried about it keeping me awake. Coffee doesn't seem to have that effect on me. I've already slept or should I say, had my nighttime nap, and now I'll be awake for a while and sit here in the silence of the night all by my lonesome self. Well, I'm not quite lonely, because I do have the animals and that is supposed to relieve my solitary existence somewhat.

When I woke up, I had a revelation and I thought, "Why should I live this lonesome life, when what I want is to be part of a family and have a husband and children and grandchildren.?" I want to be a member of an intimate group of people who are related to me and with whom I have meaningful relationships. I want to undertake things, see the world, go to the theater, see films, go to museums, go out for dinner, travel, enjoy the finer things of life before I die. Know love and be loved.

At the same time I knew that these things would never happen and that I would have to accept my fate as it is and that's what turns me into a cynic, because I see people complaining about their lives who have a lot more than I have, yet they don't appreciate it while I try to make them feel better. I am a fool for doing so and I'm not going to do it anymore. From now on I won´t play Mother Theresa anymore, but be a tough broad, and not waste my emotions on other people´s so called miseries.

I feel that being a cynic is the only road open to me. I can´t be like my older sister who pretends to be one, but who in reality cares way too much and has her heart broken and is overly burdened. I´d rather not believe in all those emotions and extremes of feelings and trying to find mutual understanding and compassion. I´m actually quite disappointed, but don´t want that to get me down, so I choose the road of cynicism instead.

Being a cynic saves you from getting emotionally involved up to your ears. It prevents you from getting in too deep into other people´s seemingly unsolvable problems that they refuse to take care of themselves. It keeps you safe from an onslaught of emotions and drama that will pull you under as sure as the spring tide does. It makes you immune against pity parties and woe-is-me stories. It can save your mind, if your mind needs saving.

Nevertheless, I don´t feel that I´m living the life I´m supposed to live, which is so hollowed out and so bare of the basic necessities that I´m just eking out a minimum existence. I make myself happy with little things and teach myself to find some joy in them. I do this without anybody else´s help. I don´t continually live in a state of high drama. I´m not a victim. I´m not a martyr. I´m just somebody stating the reality of her situation. I could really get very down about this, but that is not what I choose for. I do try to concentrate on the half full glass.

Does a cynic concentrate on the half full glass or does he go find a bottle at all cost to fill his glass to the rim with? Selfishly? Yes, maybe he would do that. Self interest is at the heart of a cynic.

I´ve just had a tall glass of cold milk and I´m thinking of going back to bed after I´ve revealed myself so well to you. There should be a few more hours of sleep in me, although I´m not sleepy right now. It will be more out of a sense of responsibility that I go than anything else. I do have to get up in the morning and function.

Have a good morning when you get up.



Frances said...

sounds like night-time thoughts. I hope you are feeling more positive by now.

You might manage the cynical thing, but I think you are too kind at heart for that and like your older sister, you care too much. Good luck though, get out the tough broad boots and get kicking. LOLLL

The trouble with human beings is that we can be happy for no reason and miserable for less.
We think we will be happy if that happens or we have the other thing, then we get them, or the thing happens and we are distracted for a while, like babies with rattles or mobiles, then we start thinking we need something else to make us happy.
Rich or poor, good life or bad, we can all get depressed with ourselves - that's why so many women spend so much money remaking their outside shells. LOL
You are right. We should count our blessings instead of our aches and pains.

Babaloo said...

You know, VERY few people are actually happy and content with what they have. Achieving this, in my eyes, is a great goal.
And, when you started talking about being a cynic I remembered the original meaning as the old Greeks saw it. Have a look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynicism
Very interesting, don't you think? I wonder how the change to our current interpretation of cynicism came about...

Twain12 said...

i have that cynic in me as well but it doesn't always work to well...i feel to much when i don't want to or sometimes i'm suppose to care and i don't . I do try to count my blessings though . I hope you managed to get back to sleep

old_black said...

Speaking from the other end of life to yours....my observation is that the glass really is not only half-empty, but if you look into it, you can see the bottom. Lots of people think they want the things you want: partner, children, to love and be loved - but the reality is that they screw up those relationships. They end up separated (emotionally, if not physically) from their partner and friends. Their children turn out to have similar emotional problems and more than likely will choose to avoid their parents.
I reckon we do have to count our blessings, but the blessing of a good cup of coffee, a sunny day, or a favourite food might be a better place to start, and is perhaps the only level one can realistically hope for.