Tuesday, November 17, 2009

After seven years...

After about seven years of having a purely platonic relationship without any flirtation or any other innuendos whatsoever, J. and I became lovers this past weekend, out of the blue, with no forewarning whatsoever. I must say, it felt good to feel the arms of a man around me and to be kissed and caressed and to smell another human being from that up close. I relished it over the weekend several times and even though I had a nagging little voice in the back of my head warning me of the potential danger, I chose to ignore it and enjoyed myself.

After J. left late Sunday afternoon, I managed to get my feet closer to the ground and think about what had happened and what the implications could be. Was I ready for an intimate relationship like this and if yes, then who not better to have it with than with your best friend? I thought if I was willing to give up any of my autonomy and I thought that under certain circumstances I might be. J. was a lone wolf like myself and attached to his way of life like I was to mine and would not want to give it up, which I would not want him to. Nor would I be willing to give up my way of life for him, but he had not asked me to. As a matter of fact, we had not discussed one detail.

The next morning, I felt just a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation and decided to ask for clarity, which I did in an email. I asked him what his intentions were. If I was his girlfriend now and if we were in a relationship and if we were going to see each other more often. I knew he had the day off and expected an answer within a reasonable amount of time.

When it did not come, I started to get irritated and realized that I did not want these sort of complications in my life at all. I did not want to have to worry about what my meaning was in somebody's life and where I fit in. I did not want to wait for an answer and sit on pins and needles. I did not want to be dependent on someone else's feelings and actions and timing. I wanted to be free of all that and be an autonomous human being who was solely in charge of her life herself. In the evening I made up my mind to write an email to call the whole thing off, but I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself, so I called him and asked him to please respond to the email I had sent him, which he did shortly thereafter.

He wrote that he loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me, and did not see me as a partner but as a friend with extras and that he was not planning on seeing me more often. That was very clear to me then and I wrote him the email calling the whole thing off and at the same time making an end to our friendship, though it hurt me to do that.

We exchanged a few emails telling each other what fools we had been and how this had ruined a good friendship and his last one to me said that he hoped that when the storm was over maybe we could be friends again. I did not answer that one, because by now I was feeling so very bad and embarrassed for assuming so much. I have been miserable ever since.

Everything in my apartment reminds me of this past weekend and I can't put it out of my mind. I talked about it with my SPN this morning and she thought the solution was to blog about it, although J. had asked me not to do it. I didn't make a promise not to and he doesn't read my blog, so I've done it anyway. I had to get this out in the open. I can't walk around with this and not talk about it.

J. said I made an innuendo at an earlier meeting and it is true. I said I never wanted to be with another man again except if it were someone like him, because he would be perfect, but I didn't mean just for a roll in the hay and that is how he interpreted it. I guess that is what men do. I should have asked what his meaning was right away and not have assumed so much. I was caught up in the moment and the sweetness of it. I haven't been cuddled by anyone for a long time.

I have to get over this and I will do with enough rest and peace and quiet. Sleep will heal me, as it always does. I'm glad I wrote this down, it was important. I got it off my chest and that was necessary. It doesn't do me any good to speak in riddles and vagueness.



Babaloo said...

It may sound daft now but I did have an inkling this weekend that something was going on...
I'm sorry to hear it's turned out so complicated! There's not much really to say, except: Go and talk with someone!!! These things tend to fester and grow totally out of proportion if you try and 'handle' them yourself. At least in my experience.
Drop me an email if you like!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry you feel so sad. If there are any positives you can take I suppose it is the loveliness of the moment, and the fact that in time it can happen again with someone you choose on your own terms. Life as a single person is hard at times and I totally get the need to feel intimate with someone - I have missed that closeness so much. I'm exploring that area myself though I can't really blog about it. If you want to email and chat I'd be very much willing to listen and share if it will help. HUgs.

The Good Cook said...

I am once again struck by the differences in men and women. No surprise there I suppose. We women tend to feel so much more when it comes to intimacy. We also tend to WANT more... not just the physical release, but also a spiritual connection.

I'm sorry you were hurt by this encounter. Time and space will heal your sorrow.

As for Joost - too bad for him. He is missing out on true intimacy, a great gift between two people.

Connie Rose said...

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, especially the losing your best friend part. The very same thing happened to me several times and I know the pain of the aftermath well. Time will heal all. It is good to know, though, that your heart is not closed -- remember that, when you want to deride yourself for letting down your guard, for letting yourself go with the moment. Be still, as much as you can, be with the pain and it WILL pass. Loving you.

Friend of the Bear said...

Dear Friend, I am so sorry to hear about all this. And very sorry also that I went to bed earlier than normal last night and so didn't read that post until now. And thus wasn't able to offer you support when you really needed it.

What can I say to ease your pain? Very little. I know your pain so well myself - although it's been quite a few years since I suffered it myself.

So brave of you to blog about it. To be so honest with us yet again. I really hope it helped to write it out.

I'm disappointed that after 7 years of friendship Joost thought it would be OK to have some fringe benefits without any commitment there. He MUST know you better than that.

Maybe I am being a little hard on him. Maybe he was just caught up in the moment. But his comment about you having made a suggestion previously makes me think otherwise. That had clearly left a mark in his mind.

Dear friend, I hope those moments of joy are able to be a positive memory for you - though I feel uncertain that this can be the case.

Please email any time. I always love to hear from you - I mean that. And if there is any support I can offer then you know I am there for you.

Bearfriend xx

Tess said...

I could have written this post less than a year ago ... my heart hurts for you.

Giant hugs from across the ocean...

Lane said...

This is tough. I hope you can ... no, I KNOW you can get through this and find peace again.

Take care and sleep well.

Gail said...

Sex ruins many friendships. You have the memory and you can store in a box, take it out now and then and relive it but do not let it cripple you. Only keep the good stuff in that box.

laurie said...

gail said this very well. i know you hurt now, but i also know you are telling the truth when you say you don't want a relationship right now. so leave this be a bit, make no rash decisions. the loving and cuddling was sincere and mutual. that doesn't mean it has to happen again, or that anyone meant any harm. maybe you can yet be friends. i do hope so.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting, Nora! Take very good care of yourself, whatever that looks like right now. Time will heal you. You WILL make sense of this.

Maggie May said...

I did wonder, Nora.....
Hope you haven't *lost* a good friend.
He took advantage of you.
You do seem to manage very well on your own but I can understand your need for love. Everyone needs to feel love.
I really hope that you can strike the right balance in life, my friend.
Men seem to bring you little comfort in the end. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe not to expect too much from a relationship like this.
Hope you are feeling better. X

Nuts in May

Maggie May said...

PS.... You know how I feel about blogging it down. It is therapy. That is why I wrote my last post. It was for me really. I felt heaps better!
Blog away my friend as long as you don't slander anybody, which you haven't!

Nuts in May

Anonymous said...

I don't think you need the opinions of others because what has happened to you is a very private thing. My mum had a relationship with a good family friend about two years after my dad passed, and the relationship turned sour which ended the friendship. It was such a shame. But if your friendship with this man is so strong, then perhaps it could be rekindled at some stage. For now however, you are the most important person to you.

CJ xx

walter conley said...


I love this blog.

(Please send me an email--blank's okay--so I can keep you updated on the mag and run a few things by you.)


the rotten correspondent said...

You've just described my summer. Damn it. And I absolutely cannot blog about any of it, which sucks.

On the plus side we've put our friendship back together and it's just as good as it ever was.

On the minus side there's still a big question mark about intentions and self-honesty.

On the whole...it sucks.

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Email or facebook me if you feel like it.

John M. Mora said...

Take care, my friend.

Grit said...

nora, i don't know what to say to help; i believe the experiences and events we have help form the people we are; and they are usually the better, wiser, more tolerant and thoughtful people we become. take care.

Stacie said...

Oh Nora, I am so sorry! Classic example of a man thinking with his you-know-what and not his heart OR his head. How completely inconsiderate of your feelings and how you would respond to this very situation. Women tend to say, I could love this man, I could make this work. Men think, I can have sex. I hope that you will be able to let this be in the past soon.