Tuesday, November 17, 2009
After seven years...
After about seven years of having a purely platonic relationship without any flirtation or any other innuendos whatsoever, J. and I became lovers this past weekend, out of the blue, with no forewarning whatsoever. I must say, it felt good to feel the arms of a man around me and to be kissed and caressed and to smell another human being from that up close. I relished it over the weekend several times and even though I had a nagging little voice in the back of my head warning me of the potential danger, I chose to ignore it and enjoyed myself.
After J. left late Sunday afternoon, I managed to get my feet closer to the ground and think about what had happened and what the implications could be. Was I ready for an intimate relationship like this and if yes, then who not better to have it with than with your best friend? I thought if I was willing to give up any of my autonomy and I thought that under certain circumstances I might be. J. was a lone wolf like myself and attached to his way of life like I was to mine and would not want to give it up, which I would not want him to. Nor would I be willing to give up my way of life for him, but he had not asked me to. As a matter of fact, we had not discussed one detail.
The next morning, I felt just a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation and decided to ask for clarity, which I did in an email. I asked him what his intentions were. If I was his girlfriend now and if we were in a relationship and if we were going to see each other more often. I knew he had the day off and expected an answer within a reasonable amount of time.
When it did not come, I started to get irritated and realized that I did not want these sort of complications in my life at all. I did not want to have to worry about what my meaning was in somebody's life and where I fit in. I did not want to wait for an answer and sit on pins and needles. I did not want to be dependent on someone else's feelings and actions and timing. I wanted to be free of all that and be an autonomous human being who was solely in charge of her life herself. In the evening I made up my mind to write an email to call the whole thing off, but I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself, so I called him and asked him to please respond to the email I had sent him, which he did shortly thereafter.
He wrote that he loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me, and did not see me as a partner but as a friend with extras and that he was not planning on seeing me more often. That was very clear to me then and I wrote him the email calling the whole thing off and at the same time making an end to our friendship, though it hurt me to do that.
We exchanged a few emails telling each other what fools we had been and how this had ruined a good friendship and his last one to me said that he hoped that when the storm was over maybe we could be friends again. I did not answer that one, because by now I was feeling so very bad and embarrassed for assuming so much. I have been miserable ever since.
Everything in my apartment reminds me of this past weekend and I can't put it out of my mind. I talked about it with my SPN this morning and she thought the solution was to blog about it, although J. had asked me not to do it. I didn't make a promise not to and he doesn't read my blog, so I've done it anyway. I had to get this out in the open. I can't walk around with this and not talk about it.
J. said I made an innuendo at an earlier meeting and it is true. I said I never wanted to be with another man again except if it were someone like him, because he would be perfect, but I didn't mean just for a roll in the hay and that is how he interpreted it. I guess that is what men do. I should have asked what his meaning was right away and not have assumed so much. I was caught up in the moment and the sweetness of it. I haven't been cuddled by anyone for a long time.
I have to get over this and I will do with enough rest and peace and quiet. Sleep will heal me, as it always does. I'm glad I wrote this down, it was important. I got it off my chest and that was necessary. It doesn't do me any good to speak in riddles and vagueness.