Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Don't spare the wounded.

I've just gotten up for the second time today. I was up earlier this morning and had coffee and answered my emails, but I was way too tired still and went back to bed and had a few more hours of sleep. Now I'm having my second attempt at being awake and hopefully I'll make it this time.

My relationship, if you could even give it that name, with J. has come to an end. I wrote him an email in which I asked for some more things than I was getting now. A date on which I knew he would be by again, longer weekends than just the 24 hours that he came by for, some sort of steady schedule, expressions of love, shared vacations (he was planning his vacation while he was here last), and other tokens of dedication. I got an email back from him saying that he could not give me those things, that he did not want a more steady relationship with me and that he was already having his doubts about the fairness of this one.

I can only say that I feel a great deal of relief and liberation that I don't have to do this "relationship" anymore, because it felt like a lot of emotional work, and when you are in a dysfunctional situation, you start to behave dysfunctionally, which is something I was certainly doing. You try to make your behavior make sense, but somehow it is impossible, which is not that strange, considering that it doesn't make sense and that you should get yourself out of the situation. Thankfully, it didn't take me all that long to figure it out this time. I have stayed in dysfunctional situations longer in the past. Much longer.

I can't blame him for letting me get into the situation I found myself in. He thought he had made himself clear from the start, but I had read something more into it, being a female and having more needs. I thought I could handle what I assumed I was getting into, but my expectations were just a little bit higher than his and they became even higher over this past weekend when I actually fell in love momentarily, although I knew instinctively that I could not allow it. So, I can't say that I have been used, although I do feel that way. But that is because of my own gullibility. I have allowed myself to be used.

And really, he had the time to stay longer this weekend, but he did not, which got my hackles up just a bit, because he was so eager to go home, although he had the rest of the week off. But I was ever so nice and understanding and thought he needed the time on his own. If he was seriously into the "relationship" he would have stayed longer, of course, and we could have done some things "normal" couples do. I was obviously not a priority. You see, underneath it all there is some bitterness.

In the meantime, I've walked the dog and it was dry, although we are supposed to have rain showers today. It is 9C outside, so it isn't too cold at all. If it rains, I should go stand out in it and let it wash all over me and be cleansed by it. Although I doubt I'd have the nerve to stand out there naked as I should. Like a heathen being cleansed by the rain gods.

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you for now. I've pretty much wasted the afternoon on this subject. Well, not quite, I have some time left to do other things. Like clean up the kitchen. Tomorrow I have to do the groceries on my bike, because my sister is in Italy. I'm so looking forward to that. Not! I also have to go to the post office. It will again be the withdrawal of me from society for a bit. The usual crawling into my hole. Playing peekaboo with the world.

Have a good day!



Maggie May said...

No, you don't want to get into another dysfunctional relationship.What would be the point of that.

Hope your weather is not too bad. It is pouring here & very cold.

Nuts in May

Debi said...

I am glad to read that you asked for what you wanted, very clearly. So much for dysfunction -- that sounds like very functional behavior to me.

And he answered honestly, you've got to give him that. (Although he's minus a gazillion points for wanting what he had in mind, so long as you didn't expect anything real from it. Yuck, Joost. You kinda suck, dude.)

You averted the real disaster. It's ok to lick your wounds, now.

Babaloo said...

Like Debi said, it's OK to lick your wounds.

Different expectations are what makes relationships so problematic. I'm glad that you could see yours so clearly, there have been times in the past when I didn't even know myself what my expectations really were.

I'm sorry it didn't work out but I'm happy that it didn't take you long to realise it wasn't right for you and to act on it.


Anonymous said...

I think you've done the right thing for yourself too. You asked for what you wanted - needed! - from him and turned away when you were told it wasn't forthcoming. What was it you once said, something about not shopping at the store that's closed? Way to walk the talk, Nora!

aims said...

Here again my friend.

Reading up I can only see that this was not meant to be at all. And it's not your fault. He is also to blame. I think you attracted someone along the same lines as others you have attracted and the results are just about the same.

Some day - dear heart - a lovely caring man will come along. And if your heart is ready for him and if he sees it glowing away and for what it is and loves it anyway - then he will be the one for you.

You do very well on your own. You are very happy on your own. Sometimes even I am envious of your 'aloneness' and wish for some of it myself. So that I could do exactly as I wish - not have to think of others first and put myself last.

So rejoice in yourself and your life and your apartment with your animals who love you no matter what.

I think you are lucky to have escaped once more.

Gail said...

You were honest, he was honest and you both agreed that your wants were not mutual. Good for you for speaking up for yourself.

Wisewebwoman said...

Singing from different hymnbooks is all it was GSW, but it takes a very brave person indeed to state their needs so well and honestly as you did. Brava.
He sounds far too selfish for you my dear, he is unable even to provide a smidgin of what is needed in a healthy relationship.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I'm slightly confused now. After the previous time he made it clear he didn't want a relationship. I thought you must have accepted that fact to have slept with him again.

Perhaps you hoped that he would in the end come round to coupledom? Or maybe your feelings developed more this time than you expected.

I'm sorry you've been disappointed like this. You sound more angry than hurt this time. At least anger can be turned into energy for getting things done, whereas upset takes all your energy away.

I don't know what to say beyond that. Obviously I'm concerned about you. I don't want you to be unhappy.

I hope the weather holds off for your shopping tomorrow. It has rained quite heavily here in the last 24 hours and I don't know whether it's heading your way.

Bearfriend xx

John M. Mora said...

Guys are dogs. Intimacy is hard.

Frances said...

you are what you knew you were. One of the aspects of your personality is romantic. J is what you knew he was. Pragmatic. No-one told lies, no-one misled anyone. No-one is a bastard. I agree with pinklea and Gail and Friend of the Bear - you knew what you were getting in to. He was honest. You thought you could handle a relationship of convenience. You found out quickly that your romantic side takes over and won't allow you to have what you really hoped for.
hugs, hope you are not wounded.

John M. Mora said...

I hope you are well - take care, Irene.

Leslie said...

Hi Nora,

I'm sorry that the relationship is really caput at this point, but as you described it in this post, it sounds like it was essentially on life support from the last time you 2 "evaluated" the relationship. You're insightful about how a dysfunctional relationship sucks us into behaving in kind, in an attempt to justify our actions or fuel our denial of reality.

I hope you are able to find peace with this now and settle into the relief you spoke of. It's emotionally exhausting to try and keep it going when it's over. Been there - hated that! Dare I say happy New Year?!

jeannette stgermain said...

You are taking it very well Irene:) Keep your head up, girl.
You can't force someone to desire the same things you do, even though you deserve it!