Saturday, December 13, 2008

I've slept well...

I've slept well and, although it is a little bit early, I've slept enough, because I spent the better part of yesterday evening asleep on the sofa curled up in my pajamas and my red cozy bathrobe. It was so pleasant and only occasionally was I aware of the TV and the Überhund who pushed his wet nose against my hand to be petted, which I did half asleep.

He always figures out a way to be petted by me by pushing against the hand that is hanging over the edge of the sofa and nudging it until I react in some way. He knows that if he is persistent, I will start petting him automatically. One cat was laying on my stomach, purring very merrily, as unmovable as a rock in a meadow. You see how even in my sleep I perform a function for the animals.

I'm very glad that the Überhund doesn't need to be taken out for his late night walk anymore, because it means that after his 6 o'clock walk, I can put on my pajamas and get comfortable. Sometimes he needs a piddle out back before I go to bed, but more often he doesn't and in the morning he is in no hurry as long as I let him out back first. Then he can wait forever for me to get done and he just lies beside me while I sit behind the computer.

When I feel good, sitting behind the computer is one of my favorite things to do. The last two days it was a hard thing to do, but as a rule, I enjoy it very much. I know I am not addicted, however, because in one of my groups there is a woman who really is and it is a very sad thing indeed when you are at the cost of everything and everybody else. When that computer becomes more important than all the other activities and people around you.

The awareness that she is addicted only recently dawned on her, but she is very resistant to change, and very stubborn about it too, and I don't know if she can be cured of it. She is a lot like an alcoholic who needs to be weaned off the bottle. In the meantime, she neglects her family and her dogs and her household and her friends and is in the process of alienating herself from human participation. It's a miracle that she shows up for the therapy groups, because all she wants to do is be at home and sit behind the computer. You learn a lot from listening to a person like that and you think, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Oh yes, today is Saturday again. Well, I'll be darned, another week has flown by. I want to say, another jam packed week, because I think a lot of things happened. New glasses coming up, I am starting in a new therapy group and I've started a new anti psychotic medication. You see that even in a life as dull as mine, things happen.

It's impossible to not have things happen when you are alive and out there in the world in whatever capacity, unless you are holed up in you apartment and never go out. If my reading glasses hadn't broken, I wouldn't have put on my regular glasses and I wouldn't have realized how bad my eyes really were. So, a bus trip down town solved that problem. If I were a recluse, I wouldn't have gotten onto that bus. And if I didn't go to my ergo and creative classes, I wouldn't have known how much I needed that other therapy class. And if I weren't such a stubborn woman, who knew better because of her interaction with other people, I would have taken the other medication and there would not have been a peep out of me. I would have blamed it all on myself and my circumstances. Instead, I was insistent and opened my big mouth.

I think being insistent is very important when you are dependent on any kind of a system. When you threaten to become a number instead of a human being. It's so important to always stick up for yourself and to be like a terrier and take a bite and not let go. Always make noise and persist and try to win, even if you loose in the end. At least you will have done your darn best and fought the system. The system has an attitude and a haughtiness that always need to be challenged. I had to argue with my psychiatrist about the medication. It was a friendly argument, but I argued nevertheless.

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Bbbrrr...it's cold out there. I just took the Überhund for a walk and it's freezing outside. It is -4 degrees Celsius and all the cars have a layer of ice on them, but today the sun is supposed to be shining all day. At least that will be cheerful.

I think the Exfactor has taken my bike keys with him again, because I don't see them anywhere. He must have left them in his pocket after he did the groceries, just like he did the last time. That means he will have to come by today to drop them off, because he has to be in town anyway. That, by the way, is no big thrill to me. I like it when he comes by, but sometimes we have no conversation material and we are left without anything to talk about.

My fantasy still takes a run with me when I'm outside and I imagine the most horrible scenarios. I imagine them from the beginning until the end and they are never good. That means the medication is not yet working properly, but my psychiatrist said it would take a few days. I am fine inside. I catch myself now having these long drawn out imaginary thoughts that I get lost in and tell myself to stop it and get back into reality, that none of these things is really happening and that I should not react as if they are. Once I'm inside again, they are all gone, so that is an improvement.

Well, that's all I have to share with you right now. Have a great day, whatever your kind of weather.

Ciao..




7 comments:

Breakfast in California said...

Glad you had a good night's sleep. What are you reading these days? I jsut finished a good book, "The Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society," about the German occupation of the Channel Islands. Not as grim as it sounds. Forgot to put the picture up this morning, sorry, but it's up now. Hope you're feeling better. L.

Maggie May said...

Glad you slept well. I think that if you do sleep well, then everything seems more rosy somehow!
It is cold here too. However the shortest day will soon be upon us. Doesn't that make you feel better?
Glad the medication is working.
The Uberhund sounds so accommodating. Its as though he really tries to please you with his actions.
Hope you have a good day, Irene X

Mean Mom said...

It's good that you slept well and that your medication is kicking in. Also that you can stick up for yourself. I don't know what might have happened to you if you hadn't been able to do that. I need to take lessons from you. I'm still not much good at it!

Babaloo said...

Very cold here also. But dry and sunny, so that's nice.

Hope the medication gets to work properly soon. So sorry you have to go through this!

among found objects said...

As I am reading your blog, I had my cat getting on my key board and rubbing against the screen. It is funny how they manage to get thier loving in.
Cold. Here in Seville the people complain at 9 C. I just think you guys have no idea what cold is. Perhaps neither do I anymore.
Glad you got some rest.

Frances said...

I believe the Uberhund has become your dog now and has adjusted to you properly. It is lovely that he fits in with your routine - I'm interested in how he has also got you adapted to him, so that you are less interested in the cats than you were - maybe that is because now you are more independent yourself it is nice to have a more dependent pet who needs your attention and affection? Who knows.
About your mental state, only one thing to say.... you are pretty well if you are able to notice that your thoughts are not right and to separate out the chemical imbalance from your actual personal intelligent thought patterns. You know you had times in the past when this was really not so - we hear very little delusional chat from you nowadays, which means you can recognise it as delusional if it happens... This is HUGE - and it is your safety net. Delusions haven't crept into your personality this time and you are fighting them off yourself while you wait for the chemicals to work. GREAT - you are GREAT, Irene and it is lovely to see this - you coping even in this difficult time, getting things done and going out, interacting, organising yourself. A long way from that person who waited all day for someone to come home, hoping they might have bought some cookies on the way home. Yay you!
Keep well and warm
love and hugs
xxx

John said...

Good news, take care of yourself - possibly there are legal advocates for that will threaten the insurance company ith lawsuit etc. over their not granting you the needed medicine.