Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sunday in the wee hours.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.

It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don't sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.

The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, "Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!" Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn't see well. He gets treated with extra special care.

I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don't think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don't walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I'm probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn't come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven't developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I'm too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I'm not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let's put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.

It's the same way with doing art. I haven't done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I'm missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that's only partly an excuse. I can't seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don't have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I'm waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.

So, you see I'm not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can't get past. It's like a huge boulder on the road and I can't get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it's going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.

But now I must be cheerful, because it's still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it's Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It's everybody's day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That's why it's colored blue, so you won't miss it in the mail and say you didn't get it. I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.

It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don't think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.

Well, I guess that's about it for me for this morning. I hope I've kept you pleasantly entertained. I've kept myself entertained, that's for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.

I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.



jeannette stgermain said...

Sometimes you need a specific room/environment do be in the mood/gear for art.
Like one of my friends -she finally understood at my house how she needed to sew a (complicated) bag, but when she was home, wanting to make the second one, she was mystified again.

Anonymous said...

I was up in the night, probably at the same time as you. Hope you have a good day and get as much rest as you feel you need. Sometimes, the less we do, the more tired we feel.

CJ xx

Gail said...

CJ is right, I have discovered the less I do, the worse I feel. I try to make myself do one thing. With that doing, I seem to find another thing to do and before long, things are moving nicely.

I love forward to seeing photos from you. Maybe when you walk Jesker, you will see something and say, ahhhh, what a beautiful picture this would be.

You have the artist eye, now look through the lens and show me your life through your eyes.

Babaloo said...

It sounds so cosy when you describe your flat so early in the morning.

I think Jack is very similar to Jesker. He is also getting a bit deaf and his eyesight is also quite bad. He always wants to keep in contact with one of us, preferably lying right next to us on the bed or the sofa.

aims said...

We didn't have cameras when we were young so I (and my brother) find it hard to just carry around a camera and snap awe-inspiring pictures here and there. I also feel very conspicuous with a camera in front of my face. I don't know why.

However - yesterday I was out Xmas shopping in very crowded places wearing my swineflu mask. And I couldn't have cared less that every single person stared at me. And at my latex gloves.

I felt they were the ones risking their lives - not me - for a change.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Anything using your brain can be tiring. And the computer is a constant strain on the eyes as well, glasses or no.

So sweet about Jesker! I am not a doggy person but I do appreciate their loyalty and intelligence.

I have a camera phone which I got ages ago and have still not learnt to use so I have missed tons of good opportunities for photos. So one of my resolutions must be to sort that out!

I think it is always more difficult to do creative things on your own at home. I need the impetus from other people to do things like that. Your motivation could be that we are always interested to see new things you have done.

And obviously you are being creative right here writing this post!

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

PS sorry this comment is late. My internet is very dodgy right now!