Thursday, October 09, 2008

How?

How do I tell you about today? It started off as such an ordinary day. I did my chores around the apartment and walked the Überhund and barely managed to eat a slice of bread and then, because the weather was so beautiful, I hatched the plan to go downtown and shop and sit on the terrace of my favorite café.

Because I have discovered the joy of wearing leggings, I wanted to expand my wardrobe with another mini type dress, or something, that had long sleeves and that I would be able to wear a long sleeved stretch T-shirt under. I had a vague idea of what it should look like and hoped I would find something on sale at my favorite shop, which is famous for having continuous sales.

So, I got myself all gussied up and hopped on the buss and rode it into town and got off at the market square, where it was busy with all sorts of traffic and people enjoying the sunshine. Dodging bicycles and scooters, I made it to my store and began my search for the perfect dress, which I then proceeded not to find. Mmm...change tactics, rethink the strategy, opt for something else. I looked around some more and saw a beautiful finely knitted cardigan that was as long as my shortest dress in a dark gray color. Maybe it was my size.

I took it to the dressing room and took of some layers of clothes and tried it on and it fit. Great! It was on sale for 30% off. Now I had to find a long sleeved stretch T-shirt to go underneath it and it was soon found for hardly any money at all on sale in an olive green color. That almost made the outfit perfect, because at the cash register there were leggings on sale in my size for an apple and an egg and I found some gray striped ones. I had the necklace and the mini dress to complete the outfit at home, so I happily paid for my purchases, the total price of which didn't make me blink at all. What a steal.

To celebrate my good fortune, I went to Café Monopole and ordered a cappuccino which came with a cookie and a chocolate and those really filled me up. The terraces everywhere were very crowded, but I managed to find a small table for two, so I called the Exfactor and asked him to join me. He was at his work a 5 minute walk away from there.

He came full of glee and we had two glasses of wine together, which made me a little tipsy, but what the heck, all I had to do was get on the right bus and they are clearly marked.

Anyway, from the conversation we had, it became very clear to me how much in love the Exfactor is with the Paramount and that this is a very serious relationship with a future and everything. Now, if you think that was easy for me to hear, guess again. I kept a very straight and neutral face and made all the appropriate remarks, but I was thinking all sorts of other things and I felt like having a good cry. But I'm a tough broad and I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.

We discussed our divorce party and our upcoming divorce and I was wondering when it would be final, because I thought it should be any day now. The Exfactor was talking about which people he would invite and how he would show the world that he had not left me behind as a poor helpless, downcast and depressed female and that I was doing great. So, that is his purpose for the party. Kind of doesn't want me to have the party anymore.

Anyway, we parted and I took the bus home and when I got home I got the mail from the mailbox and saw that there was a letter from the lawyer. At the same time the phone rang. It was the Exfactor. He asked me if I had read my mail yet, because our divorce decree was in it. I said that I would call him back and opened the envelope and there it was: In the Name of the Queen, we were officially divorced on October the 1st, 2008.

It was very surreal and I didn't know what to think of it. I thought it was kind of shocking and I called back the Exfactor who acted very lackadaisical about it as if it was an announcement about the trash pick up or something. I asked him what he felt, but I don't think he felt a lot. That is the impression I got.

I called both my sisters, but was unable to talk to either one of them about it, because both of them were up to their ears in their own problems, so I cut the conversations short. I needed to talk to someone and my SPN was not in the office. I finally resorted to calling my psychiatrist on his mobile phone and we had a nice and calm discussion about everything and it really helped clear my mind and get some of my sadness out. I felt a 100% better after I talked to him and was back to my old secure self again, the person who knows what to do and how to go about it.

Considering my still lingering feelings for the Exfactor, it is better if I don't lean on him so much and keep a healthy distance between us. We mustn't be too friendly. I must put up some boundaries and clearly draw a line. It really means that he can't be my safe person anymore, because that is too much of an intimate role for him to play in my life. I'll have to take on the responsibility myself or find some other method.

In the meantime, I sure look cute in my new clothes in combination with my dress and necklace. It is all perfect and I wish I had a party to go to so I could show myself off. Never fear, I walk the Überhund and get looked at enough to stroke my ego.

Now I am going to eat some soup, because I am starving. I hope the story I told you was not too boring, but I had to get it off my chest.

Ciao...

10 comments:

Frances said...

sorry you are hurting. I hope you will find this less painful with time. It is good that you had already come clean to yourself about your feelings, otherwise this would have been a horrible shock to you. Luckily you weren't in denial and you had a pretty shrewd idea about your situation.
Even so, it is hard and I feel with you. Big hugs from here, Irene.
Keep well. Get as much support as you can from wherever you can and don't try and tough it out alone. So sorry.
xxx

Elaine said...

I remember when my divorce papers from my first marriage dropped onto the mat. For months I'd expected to feel a sense of elation when that moment finally came, but I didn't. I felt really quite sad about it all. Not that I wanted him back or anything...I think it was that I was suddenly facing an uncertain future...as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff top.

It soon passed though.

Look after yourself Irene and stay strong. x

Maggie May said...

There's bound to be lingering feelings there, Irene.
You boring............. Never!
Have a good day today. Go on spoil yourself. X

Bev said...

It is only natural that you would feel very sad. Thinking of you x


I like leggings. They are very comfortable, great for lounging about in, and great for showing off your legs on dog walks!

Frances said...

PS I was thinking about your post last night, Irene and I realised one of the implications of what you are saying.
I decided to tell you my opinion, because I am confident you will reject it if you want - but I feel I should talk straight.
The fact that the divorce is painful and you are hurting doesn't mean that the Exfactor still isn't someone who can be a caller and checker for your health.
It will take time for you to untangle your feelings, which vary from moment to moment, as everyone's feelings do. Meanwhile - you do need someone to be watching out for you.
The shopping is an issue at the moment - and prettying yourself up is another - I don't need to go into the psychology, you know that yourself, but the deep disappointment will go away and you will get back on track again quickly.
Don't chop through any of the branches you are sitting on and the Exfactor is one of the large supporting branches for you at the moment. You already know about his feelings - so don't let yourself pretend otherwise - you are a smart woman and can see yourself doing it. If you need convincing - you told us all about this - theirs is not a conventional relationship, but it is there -
BUT - Your friendship is still an important part of your support system.
Sorry to be tough, Irene, but I am concerned you are about to try and cut off one reliable and willing source of help. Just remember, you were in town, you gave him a ring and he was there in minutes. That is a friend, whatever the rest of the baggage. Others don't necessarily have the time or the ability to leap into action when you need them. Now is not the time to isolate yourself further. And make sure and go to the therapy next week. End of lecture from someone who cares. Love and hugs.xxxx

Stinking Billy said...

irene, so, the break came so quickly it took you a little by surprise? I think Frances made a valid point about not chopping off your old branches too soon. Let it all ride for a while.

Hey,so things in Holland can cost an as little as an 'apple and an egg', is that right? A new one on me, but I note it rhymes with 'an arm and a leg' which, of course, means the opposite in the UK. x

Babaloo said...

Sorry it's been a 50/50 day for you, I wish it could've been a 100% good day. But I guess it will take some time to sort out your day to day relationship with the Exfactor, part of that being whether you want a day to day relationship at all or not. The divorce decree made it official but that doesn't mean that all your feelings are switched off with that, too. It will take some time to sort out. But you will do it well, I'm sure of it.

Would like to see a picture of you in your new get up... :-)

Babaloo said...

Oh, and about the divorce party. I guess it's a nice idea if both of you are on the same page and you both feel comfortable with it. But if you're not, then don't go ahead with it. You really have to feel secure in yourself to do this, I think.

the rotten correspondent said...

I'm torn on what to say here.

On the one hand, I'm jealous as hell that you got your decree as fast as you did.

There. That sounds really petty, but I've said it anyway.

On the other hand, I really feel for you since you're having the realization that you still care so much for him. I'm not jealous of that. I imagine that that mucks things up a lot.


I think Frances has hit it perfectly. You really can be friends with him and get emotional support from him without him thinking you want to "be" with him. Whatever his motivation, he clearly cares like hell for you. You always said you were best friends at that core of the marriage.


As a delicious aside, let the paramount sweat for a moment...

Baby Island said...

Irene, you are so smart. You are processing this all just like you should be! Love that you found some great clothes, sometime I find retail therapy to be the best medicine. As for the Exfactor, pffftt, YOU are doing really really well.

MUAH from the minions