Rain...

It's been raining non stop since I woke up this morning and even Tyke can't be fooled into going out into it. He'll quickly go out back, but looks at the sky to try to figure out what this wetness is that's sprinkling down on him. I let him out often, because he comes in so quickly that I get the impression that he hasn't done what he's supposed to do. To be on the safe side, he goes out every hour or so.

This morning his special puppy food was delivered that I ordered on line at my favorite pet shop. I ordered a 10 kilo bag and I'm curious to see how long it will last. Tyke has a good appetite and has been eating Jesker's left overs, but now I want him to eat more specialized food. He is growing, because I've had to move his collar up two notches. It was too tight. I noticed that when I was giving him an extended petting session yesterday. I don't want him to get fat and am constantly checking his belly for leanness. He doesn't get any food if his belly still feels a bit round. If it's empty, and it's time to eat, he gets food. I feed him in the morning and the evening and he gets a little snack in between as a reward if he has gone outside and done his business.

He's pretty easy to distract from negative behavior. I don't have to get cross with him, but just call him over and get his mind focused on something else. He really does do his best, although some habits are hard to break, such as wanting to dominate Gandhi over and over again. Gandhi is giving out very mixed messages and goes to look for him and parks herself right under his nose, so it's very confusing to Tyke who thinks she wants to play with him. He thinks it's all a game and that she is willing. He doesn't realize that she's a reluctant participant and confused herself. Tyke thinks they're married for life.

It just stopped raining and I went for a quick walk around the block with him. We met one of our neighbors with her dog and her dog was quite taken with Tyke and made advances. It was a girl dog at the ripe age of 12. She put all of her charms into it and Tyke was quite amused and flattered. He longingly looked after her when she went on her way with her owner. He would probably jump her if he got the chance. He's not as innocent as he looks, that feisty little thing.

It's been a long time since I've felt happy. It's been many months, but the last two days I sometimes feel little pinpricks of it. They are so tiny that they are hardly noticeable, but they are there nevertheless. I hope these pinpricks become larger and that they will turn into seconds and minutes and hours, but I'm afraid to hope for too much. I miss being happy. You don't know what you miss until you start feeling it again and now that I do on occasion, I want more of it. I long for it very much. It is a state of mind that I miss as much as blue skies and sunshine. It's awful to always feel like the colors black and gray and to never feel yellow and red. I don't know how I've lasted through all these winter months. It's been such a hell. All that's kept me hanging in there was the thought that there would be an end to it one day and the end is coming in sight now. I´m plain worn out from it.

The fact that there are the tips of leaves of plants showing up in the dark wet ground now gives me hope. Some shrubs have buds on them. It´s all full of promise and soon I will put this dark period behind me. Next year I´ll be smart and use the sunlight replacement lamp again, though I did not really believe in it. I´ll have to believe in it if I´m going to survive another winter. But I can´t think about that now. First I have to get ready for spring and thoroughly enjoy that and come back alive. I can start sitting on café terraces with my friend Yvonne again and take photographs of the world. I feel like I´m about to be let out of jail and join the human race again.

Well, so much for those ponderous thoughts. I´ve felt so trapped inside myself and inside that entity called winter that loomed so large around me with it´s darkness and cold and snow and ice and rain. I´m ready to be liberated from it.

This is the end of my epistle. While I´m typing this, I´ve been liberating Gandhi from Tyke´s amorous hold many times. I do want to break him of the habit.

Have a good day! Wish the rain away.

Ciao,
Nora