Wednesday, August 04, 2010


The final decision about Toby was made yesterday. It was a tough one to make and although I was quite sad about it initially, I was relieved this morning that I didn't have to care for and feed his helpless body, which I could have gone on doing indefinitely. That means that I have peace with the decision and that I can live with it. Our little household is back to normal now and the litter box has been cleaned up and put away. Gandhi very casually walks around the apartment and Tyke has stopped obsessively sticking his nose in the paper box where Toby was constantly sleeping. All is well with the world and we are okay. Life continues as before.

The clothes I had ordered got here yesterday late in the afternoon and I tried all of them on immediately. Some of the things fit perfectly, but others didn't at all regardless of the size I had ordered them in, so I repackaged them and arranged for them to be picked up today. There's a lesson to be learned from this and that is that there's a difference in sizing in the different brands and that it is better to stick to the brand that you know well and that you are sure about the size of.

The harem pants that I ordered turned out to be great and I really like them and they fit well. The top that I got to go with it fit well too and it makes for a nice outfit. So I was pleased about that. I'm going to wear it today after I've had my shower this morning. It's so nice to wear clothes that you are happy about and it does wonders for your self esteem. You feel yourself get taller and skinnier, although that is just an illusion, of course. It's very pleasant, nevertheless.

I talked to my SPN about taking everything so seriously and not having enough of a sense of humor and it is really not only because of the fact that Toby was dying. It is a general attitude that I have and that is starting to bother me very much and that I want to get rid of.

We traced it back to a large sense of disillusionment that I carry with me, which prevents me very often from being spontaneously happy. It makes me analyze every situation I find myself in instead of honestly reacting to it with my feelings. I'm afraid to show my feelings and be spontaneous because I'm afraid of being hurt. Being spontaneous and reacting to a situation with your feelings means not hiding behind your walls and exposing yourself. Being vulnerable. And I'm afraid to be it.

I'm now going to practice letting down my guard. Not everywhere and with every person, but when I think it is safe and there are enough situations when it is. I have to practice spontaneity and being open and looking people in the eyes and being present and approachable. It will be a conscious effort that I have to make. Practice makes perfect.

I look forward to going to bed so very much in the evening. I can't wait for it to be a decent enough time to go to sleep and very often it is very early. I decamp with my book and a glass of milk and make myself cozy. I can't stand the thought of staying up any longer and I just hope that nobody calls me once I'm in bed because I won't answer the phone. I slept 8 hours last night, but I'm sure there will be a nap some time later today.

I finished "Careless in Red" and will now start "The Girl Who Played With Fire." I was going to last night, but fell asleep before I could. I hope it is as good as the first book in the series, which I read without reading glasses and had a heck of a time finishing. Now that I have my reading glasses I have a much easier time getting through a book. The Inspector Linley one turned out to be much better than I initially thought it was going to be. At the beginning I didn't enjoy reading it very much and I thought about giving up on it, but tenaciousness kept me at it. I'm glad it did because it turned out to be quite interesting and a satisfying read.

Well, I have to start the morning ritual. It's that time again. First I'll take a nice warm shower because I'm cold. The mornings have been colder lately. We're supposed to have some rain today, but we'll see if that materializes. It will be nice if it does. We still need it.

Have a good day you all.



孟湖聿軒 said...


Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you're so comfortable with your decision about Toby - that is a sign that it was the right thing to do, for sure. Good luck with practicing your new attitude, as well. It's not an easy thing to open yourself up to people after having done just the opposite for a while, but with your determination, I'm sure you'll be successful in no time at all!

Bernie said...

Nora I am sorry about Toby but I also feel it was the right thing to do.
Your new clothes sound so nice, get the ex-factor to take pictures for us okay.
Love how you are going to work on opening yourself up, we all get hurt once in a while but we receive so much love, laughter and hugs when we accept others....well what I am trying to say it will be so worth it.....:-) Hugs

VioletSky said...

I am sorry about Toby, but am glad that you are at peace with the decision.

It is hard to open yourself up to other people, but once you start getting those positive responses from them, it will get easier and more enjoyable.

I just saw The Girl Who Played With Fire last night - if you plan on seeing the movie, you had better read the book!!

Twain12 said...

i'm the same way about letting my guard down , i have to work on that myself. I often learn something reading your blog :). Sorry about Toby but it does sound like the right decisions. I'm glad you like the new outfits...enjoy !!

Frances said...

You are sounding in a good place to move on.
I like that idea about trust and humour.
you have a lovely dark humour sometimes which I find hilarious, also an irreverence that gives fresh funny perspectives on things.
When you are feeling at one with life once more, you will be able to look at your own life like that again and get pleasure from laughing at the ups and downs and strangenesses of people.
At the moment you are still questioning your own reactions and responses, analysing and trying to make changes to the way you perceive yourself. That is serious, so maybe that's why the humour has died down and you have lost your funny bone for a while. I do see flashes of it frequently. Let it out without fear. Laughing cheers you up and smiling also helps to release those happy hormones. LOL