Clueless in the Netherlands...

Just when I assert that I sleep so well during the night and that I don't feel the need to get up and sit behind the computer in the middle of the night, I do and I have no clue as to why that happens. I do know that when I woke up, I was wide awake and had no sleepy bone left in my body. I had no wish to go back to bed once I had let Tyke out back for a piddle. I simply had no desire to sleep anymore.

It's kind of a shame, because I was just starting to develop a good sleeping habit that seemed to agree with me well. I was up all day without a nap and asleep soundly at night until a decent enough time in the morning. It was all of very short duration, but it showed promise of a regular life.

At least there's one thing I can count on and that is that my day and night rhythm never stays the same for a large period of time, but is always in fluctuation. I suppose that is the nature of the beast and I will have to be flexible and adapt. There's no need to get in an uproar about it, but just go along with the program as much as I can and sleep when my body and mind dictate it. If I fight it and get upset about it I will just turn it into a problem which it doesn't have to be.

I probably didn't have enough things to do yesterday for the amount of energy I had. I did try to fill up my time with useful things, but ran out of chores to do and the interest to do them. I even went around the apartment and looked for clothing and other items to make up a load of laundry that I could do and when I had that together, also stripped my bed so I would have another load to do.

In the morning I went to the drugstore and bought a very good shampoo for light blond hair and some hairspray and dog treats and two candy bars. I also stopped by the tobacco shop for the pack of tobacco that I had already paid for and that they still owed me. Those were my outings for the day, besides walking the dog. I tried to think of other reasons to go out, but they all cost money and I didn't want to waste it.

One of the first things I did was wash my hair with the new shampoo and it gave my hair a nice sheen. It brightened it up a lot and I'm glad I got it. There's no need to color your hair when you have a shampoo like that that enlivens it. Of course, your hair has to be the right color to start with, otherwise it doesn't work.

Tyke was happy with his treats. He figured I had brought something home for him and practically dove into the shopping bag when I carried it in. He was so excited, but then I usually do have something for him when I came home with a bag of shopping. He's not the least bit spoiled and even Gandhi thinks there's always something for her there. I had to disappoint her, though, and gave her fresh kibbles and milk instead.

I opened up my mail and was pleased to see that I have an appointment for an intake for the creative classes on Wednesday, so that was arranged rather quickly. I thought I would have had to wait longer than that. There's movement in the right direction. All I have to do is keep my resolve and not chicken out.

I puttered around the apartment doing odd jobs. They all added up to something. Tyke had destroyed the book I was reading and little pieces of it were lying all over the bedroom floor. What is that I said about him no longer being a puppy? It was a fun job cleaning it up and I will be unable to finish the book as portions of it are missing.

I try not to be devastated about this and picked out another thriller to read last night. Kathy Reichs' Devil Bones. It's going to be a good book, that much I know already. The main character of the book is a forensic anthropologist and that very much interests me. She's also a 55 year old woman. That's even better. A role model for me.

I applied my open and approachable policy yesterday when I was at the store. I tried to remember not to have any walls up when I talked to people and was friendly to the cashier. I smiled and made small talk. It doesn't come easy, but I try it anyway.What you get in return is friendliness. I have to practice this a lot until it becomes second nature. I have to walk around in public with a different attitude. I was the same way at the tobacco shop, but it was easier because I come there a lot. Still, there's room for improvement.

I realized I have a defensive attitude when I go out there. I shut myself up and I'm not as friendly as I can be. I create a distance between myself and other people. I'm not engaged. I have to stop that and become involved and acknowledge their presence better in their interactions with me. I'm not a gray shadow who can just come in under the radar without making a ripple. I am a presence too and I have to let myself be known and show my true colors.

Well, I have my work cut out from me. In the meantime I practice living in gray areas with little highs and lows. I have no wish to bounce from one extreme to the other and don't let any sort of high or low set the tone for the rest of the day. Everything is temporary and for the moment to which it applies. A mood in the morning doesn't determine the rest of the day. I'm not held hostage by it and none of the moods need to get out of hand.

I'm going to do the dishes in a moment and clean up the kitchen. I think I will then go back to bed for a while and sleep some more. First I will have some breakfast and watch the news on TV. I will tell you about the horrible government we are going to have the next time.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora