I didn't go to either appointment I had today. I didn't show up for one and canceled the other. I had excuses, but I think I was just trying to get out of them. I was asleep for one and it was raining for the other, but in reality I was glad that I didn't have to go. I'm not in the mood for human contact and only want to walk the dog and hang out on the sofa to watch the news and other drivel. I hardly want to walk the dog, but I have to. I feel like hibernating and hanging out in my bathrobe.
Nevertheless, I got dressed and fixed up. And I smell good. My Chloe Eau de Toilette got here yesterday.
I don't know why I'm in the mood I'm in except that I seem to not want to make any commitments. I'm trying to get out of things. I want to only stay home and have to do the laundry and the dishes. I don't want anyone to have any requirements of me. I'm scared to death that I will be expected to do something that I will not be able to live up to. More than anything I want my freedom and my very safe life.
I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and milk and juice. I hang out on the sofa. I watch Tyke and Gandhi play together. I sit and think and I basically feel like I'm escaping some terrible fate. I'm delaying a terrible outcome. I'm going to have to make a commitment to creative classes and I don't want to really do it at all. It's the last thing in the world I want to do. You may as well ask me to make a trip across the North Pole. It would be more adventurous and less confrontational. I feel so much resistance that I think I'm going to give up on the idea all together and bow out as gracefully as I can.
I've gone through a headache and a stomachache since I wrote that and now I'm still anxious 45 minutes later. At least I know my complaints are psychosomatic. I didn't know that in the past and thought I was always getting sick. I'm cured very easily now because it's all nerves and as soon as I realize that things get better.
I'm not a very brave woman and choose the known over the unknown, even if it is less interesting and especially if it is less challenging.
I'm going to hang out on the sofa and pet Tyke.