Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Wishful thinking...

Although I wished it very much, I came to realize yesterday that Toby was not at all better. I had put Tyke outside so he would not bother us, and put Toby down in middle of the kitchen floor where he proceeded to fall over and make his stumbling way back to the paper box with much effort. It was painful to see and rather discouraging. He's been in the paper box ever since, except for one clumsy visit to the litter box. So the news is not good.

I thought the Exfactor was going to be here yesterday to take Toby to the vet, but I had misunderstood him and he is going to be here today, which gave Toby a reprieve of one day and me the opportunity to observe him a while longer. I've observed him all I can now and I can only come to one conclusion and that is that he needs to be put out of his misery. I can't keep postponing this. It is selfish if I do.

Anyway, I'm in an undetermined mood and I don't know what to make of it. I hope it is related to Toby's condition and it's outcome and that I'm not about to slide down the slippery slope. I'm not exactly elated right now, but I'm not really depressed either. I'm a little on the morose side and in order to compensate for that, I've ordered more new clothes that I can actually not afford, but thought were necessary to my wardrobe anyway.

I liked my harem pants so much that I've ordered another pair, but in a slightly different style and in a different color. They are very comfortable to wear and I've been enjoying the ones I just bought. They match up with a variety of tops and I can wear them in colder weather too with leggings underneath them.

I ordered some T-shirts with large print on them to go with them and I think I will look rather cool. I did not consider if they were age appropriate, considering myself ageless.

I ordered a summer top and two summer dresses on sale that I can wear with leggings and long sleeve stretch T-shirts underneath when it gets colder. Of course, I can also wear my long sleeved black bolero over them and my short sleeved long black cardigan.

I suppose I get the need for new clothes when I need to make myself feel better and to brighten my day. I'm also more aware of what's in my closet now that I've cleaned it out and I see what is missing from it and what I don't wear anymore and what doesn't really fit of what's left in there. I do get picky about my clothes and I do love my favorite clothes so very much.

There seem to be times of the year when I love new clothes more than other times. I'm already thinking about the fall and the clothes that I will wear then, although I'm not remotely thinking about the winter yet and will not for a while. I will postpone any thoughts of it until the first freeze, probably, although I have already bought that fabulous new scarf for 5 euros. That was a give away. It's so long that I can wrap it around my neck twice. That's my early acknowledgment
to winter.

It's early in the morning and I've been up for hours. Yesterday morning I cleaned up the kitchen and swept the floors. I took a nap on the sofa afterwards. It was very pleasant as I had the TV on for company and would wake up every once in a while to the latest news.

I have to go see my SPN this morning and I'm going to ask her where my sense of humor has gone. I seem to take everything so seriously and don't see the humor in anything. I don't even laugh when I hear a joke. I over analyze everything, even jokes. I get tired of it myself.

Have a good day,



Bernie said...

Sorry that Toby is not any better, but it must be very hard to watch him not being able to move around.
I will say an extra prayer for you to have strength to do what you have to do. Sending big hugs....:-)

Babaloo said...

I'm sorry that there has been no improvement in Toby. You're in my thoughts!

(And I don't think you need to ask your SPN where your sense of humour has gone. Who could be happy in your shoes right now?!?!)

Frances said...

Keep well, Toby has had a good life with you and you are right to feel that the suffering has to end. Brave decision.
It maybe that because you are sad, retail therapy won't bring on a hyper mood. Possibly you connect hyper moods with happiness and thought some of those hyper behaviours might bring on the joy?


Chrissie said...

So sorry to hear that Toby is no better.
I wouldn't jump to over analyse your mental health too much right now, you have a valid external reason to be sad, and your posts suggest that you're dealing with it in a completely understandable way. In fact feeling that you have no sense of humour right now is something that I think most people would experience while watching a beloved pet deteriorate, though I I can understand why you wouldn't be sure about that given that you do need to monitor your moods generally. My thoughts are with you (and Toby...)

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about Toby. It isn't easy but it is the right thing to do. We have the option and we must make the right choice.

Take care, CJ xx

Twain12 said...

also sorry about Toby...the mornings a quite cool here, a precursor of what is to come i guess. Sending you love ♥

Maureen said...

Oh I am so sorry to read of Toby... such a sad thing to deal with. I do hope whatever the outcome, it is the best for all. My thoughts are with you Nora. Take care,

Lucky Dip Lisa said...

Sorry to hear about Toby. I have every confidence you will choose the right thing for him. I was pleased to read in another post you have found peace with making a final decision, that is so important because guilt is such a wasteful emotion!