Saturday, August 22, 2009

Post number 450.

I want to make sure that I'm wide awake and conscious when I write this post, since it is a little bit of an important one. It isn't quite 500, but I won't wait for that one. God only knows what I'll be doing by that time and I may forget altogether. Maybe I won't even be around for it. Ha ha. You've got to have a sense of humor when dealing with the lugubrious. The Swiss Clinic charges thousands of Euros for an assisted suicide and it is apparent that I don't have that kind of money. It's a real money making racket. There's nothing much humane about it. The vet could make a lot of money if he did it as a side business. Just hop on the scale and we'll see how much of this we need for you.

So, you see, the thought has not left my head yet. I've just eliminated one way to do it. In my mind I'm still preoccupied with it and I think of all sorts of possible schemes. I must have at least one way out, because that will make me feel much more secure. It will be my ticket out when all else fails. There is an Association for Voluntary Euthanasia that I can contact. That will be my next move. They send out literature and other helpful hints.

Wait! Stop! I am first going to give my SPN and my psychiatrist and the therapist at the clinic a chance to help me make something meaningful of my life. I am going to give that an honest chance, even though I don't really believe it right now. I will act like I believe it and in the process maybe come to believe it. I do owe them a fair chance, though, and maybe I owe myself a fair chance also.

Wait, I have to see a man about a horse.

Ah, that feels a lot better! I felt I was arguing for the sake of the argument and I had to get rid of some of the tension before I could continue to write like an ordinary human being. I think it is better if I don't discuss life threatening options anymore. As a matter of fact, I apologize for it. They are not very upbeat subjects to talk about and before you know it, I have convinced myself that I ought to do it for the sake of the argument and not for the real reason. So, I vote that we don't talk about it anymore, at least I won't. If you have anything to add, then be my guest.

It's awfully hot and humid here and I'm wearing the least amount of clothes allowable. It's the hottest day of the year, but luckily, tomorrow the temperature is going way down for a day and we may get some rain, but they are always promising that and we hardly ever see any.

Did I tell you that the Exfactor was here again yesterday and walked the dog and did the rest of the groceries? That's two days in a row that he's helped me and he called me this morning to see if I could make it on my own. Yesterday I couldn't, but today I can. I'm not jumping hurdles, but then again, I never do. My sister called me this morning to check on me, because she had a feeling that I was not okay, so I told her the truth and she took it well, better than I would have assumed. She didn't preach at all, but was full of understanding.

I'll be glad when this weekend is over. I'm not in the mood for it. I'm not in the mood for being on my own with my own thoughts. That means I'll blog a lot. You'll see me around.



Gail said...

Give yourself an honest chance.

FlowerLady said...

You are precious, fearfully and wonderfully made, you are loved. Your life is priceless. Hang on to it and give it all you've got. Each day is a new gift. Unwrap it and enjoy.


Frances said...

Well, only one day left of the weekend, so it's Sunday and your day off.
Relax and enjoy yourself.

When are you going to start with the art you were thinking of a while back? Your homelife seems to have become one of doing chores and looking after the pets.
I remember your writing, poetry and the marvellous mandalas and kaleidoscopes.
If I'm honest, I think you have limited your options at home now and are not getting enough stimulation, so that's giving you more space for those dark thoughts to take root and spread all over you. Many of us know where that leads. Your mind is active and lively and it needs things to do, not only therapy, but your own stuff.
End of the sermon, hugs.

Patricia said...

Just hop on the scale and we'll see how much of this we need for you.

Well, you haven't lost your sense of humor....I'm glad you have a backup idea, if it comforts you, but yes, you must stop talking about it...or rather "thinking" about it because there WILL come a point where you cross a line,mentally, and that's not good.
My son is schizophrenic. Early on I thought I could "talk" some sense into him...naive desperate dreamer that I was..He told me "the voices" wouldn't let him drink coffee in his apartment and he had to go to a coffeeshop. I told him to tell the voices to go to hell Next time I saw him, he told me the voices made him break his favorite coffee cup.
That was a good 40 years ago and it still makes me sad.
The point is I'm not sure if just talking about your worth will do the trick..but just in case it would, know you have a lot of people who want you around for a long time.

Anonymous said...

Frances has a very good point: we all need activities to occupy our very lively minds, things that stimulate the intellect. You're so artistic, so maybe you could channel some of your mental energy back that way. But do keep writing, and do focus on giving yourself that honest chance with the medical professionals! Sending cyber hugs!

The Green Stone Woman said...

Flowerlady, thank you very much for your more than kind words. I'll try to unwrap each day as if it is a new one and enjoy it.


The Green Stone Woman said...

Patricia, talking about my worth may do the trick, if enough people do it and if it isn't bullshit, which I assume coming from you is not. You have a lot of experience. It must not have been easy. I trust you to tell me the truth.


laurie said...

please don't go. please don't try again to go. we love you, irene. not because you bare you soul and we learn something, but because you bare your soul and we learn who YOU are. funny and strong and vulnerable and fascinating and deeply opinionated and always figuring things out....

you will be around for post no. 500. you must be. we depend on you. not in a burdensome way. but you have become our FRIEND.

Anonymous said...

You have become my friend. I really care about you. I hope this feeling passes and you don't give up the fight. Keep working with your doctors, even when it is so frustrating and you feel nothing will change. Feelings do change, that is the beauty and curse of them.
You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. Reach out, keep reaching out and turn to your talents and gifts, they won't let you down.

jeannette stgermain said...

Forget about the schemes, Irene. Think about 53 friends who want you to be here (that means: on earth, breathing LOL)
Alle gekheid op een stokje: you still have so many things you want to do, various art works, all those good books you want to read - not a good time to die, Irene, not yet!!!!
Seems Ex-Factor knows when you're not feeling good about life, doesn't he?

Babaloo said...

Sheesh, Irene, stop playing with these thoughts. I don't mean to say you're not taking it serious.

But how does having a "way out" make life easier? Does that mean you don't put as much effort into things anymore because you know you can just "leave"? How does that make life itself any better? I don't get it.

In my eyes I always felt that only one thing makes life better: Loving yourself. That's probably not the easiest thing in the world to achieve but being kind and loving to yourself makes life a lot more enjoyable. You do give other people the benefit of the doubt, don't you? Why not look at yourself the very same way?

I see, though, that you have plenty of people here who care about you and for whom you entertaining these thoughts is quite painful. Seriously.