Monday, August 17, 2009


I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. Every time I see him, he teaches me something about myself in a parable. He tells it in such a way, that it is completely understandable to me and that makes it really sink in and leaves me wiser when I walk out the door. He is like a wise guru and I am his student and every time I see him, I have to learn a lesson.

It was very fortunate that I had an appointment with him today, because today of all days I needed it very much. I started off my day with a huge panic attack that would not end and I thought it was going to drive me around the bend and I feared for my sanity.

The reason for my panic attack was that I had received two big bills from two different companies that I was in dispute over and I had to make some phone calls about them and I knew I was not going to be treated nicely and that I was not going to have the winning hand, and the more I thought about it, the more precarious my situation seemed to me.

I tried to call my SPN, but could not get a hold of her, and as a matter of fact, she did not call me back until just now, when the whole thing is behind me. I took an extra tranquilizer on top of the ones I normally take, but nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, until I finally sought my refuge in self damage and that worked, and after I had taken care of the wound and dressed it, I was able to make the phone calls with no good results for me. All I got was a stay of execution to try and get the money together.

They are playing an unfair game and I am the victim of it, but they've got me by the balls and are threatening with fines and collection agencies, and I can't prove my right, no matter what I say.

Anyway. What I had was a nervous breakdown and at one point I was crying and the dog was so confused and didn't know what to do. It was all just awful, but now it is all behind me and I have done what I could and I got to discuss my reaction and my behavior with my psychiatrist.

I don't know where I was on the crazy scale. I think way off the top, probably.

I'm not happy discussing this with you, but I feel it must be said. The fact is, I'm just an unhappy camper right now and I guess that's not so strange after today. I have to live with the results of it.

It is so hot in here and I finally got smart enough to open both the kitchen window and the back door and now I've got a decent draft going that's very refreshing. I've got the blinds closed of the living room windows, so the sun won't shine in them so much. It does make me feel cooped up, but it's worth it.

Jesker is eating his evening meal after barking very loudly to let us all know that it was time for it and nobody better touch it. Now he is doing his after dinner exercises, which means rolling on the ground and rubbing his nose on the area carpet. Gandhi is very disappointed, because there were no leftovers. She is laying on the ground like the Queen of Sheba, being very regal and aloof and oh, so untouchable. She knows she's very pretty. Toby is outside in the flowerbed under the winter blooming jasmine. He's decided that's his place to observe things and be king of the mountain off.

I'm the Queen of the dramas and the ever changing moods. Don't throw anything complicated my way, please. I'll make a bet with you that I can't handle it gracefully, though I am supposed to learn. See what a difference there is between me yesterday and today. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my SPN and I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. The bandage is very hot around my arm and the wound hurts, I think I'll take some paracetamol.

That's all I have to share with you today. A lot of confusion. It's tough being a grown up. I think sometimes I'm not quite ready for it.



aims said...

Oh Irene - my heart aches for you.

I understand.

The fact that you can write this down for us to read says so much about your strength.

I'm sorry those companies are going to win.

One woman told me that if you took a big stick and went out and whacked at Mother Earth while you screamed your anguish - that Mother Earth could take it and she would heal your angst. She says she feels better every time although she's sometimes a little hoarse.

We all do different things don't we?

Anonymous said...

You just can't win with big companies, can you? I'm sorry that dealing with that was so hard for you. Sometimes we all just feel things far too deeply, and this looks like it was one of those times for you. But as you said, it's over, and every time you climb back up out of your hole, you are just that tiny bit stronger. Yes, it may happen again, but it may be of shorter duration or less intense. Courage!

Gail said...

Wish there was something I could do to help. Remember, a shared load is always lighter so share away.

Maggie May said...

Blimey Irene,
just when things were going better for you.
I am really sorry and wish there was something that I could do.
Those wretched companies don't realize what they do to people.
Wait until you feel calmer and maybe someone could help you with the problem.

Look after yourself, my friend. X

josie.g said...

Sending you a hug and healing thoughts on what sounds like a very tough day.

I hope tomorrow brings some sunshine and peace. Try and be outside and sit on the grass and feel the earth underneath you and remember you are known and loved and make the world more special by being in it, just as you are.

Thank you for your lovely comments on my blog. They always brighten up my day.

I hope sleep and dreams bring some rest and recovery for you.

Much love x

John said...

Hot house and bills - double whammy - so sorry.

Ask to speak to a supervisor - everyone else is trained and authorized to say no.