Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Much ado about little.

It was a day like many other days. There were clouds, but no rain , and there was lots of sunshine. It was warm outside. In the morning, when it was still cool, I wore my leather jacket and took the dog for a walk. We only saw bicyclists and cars and one man walking his dog, which was a little pug. Really an ugly little dog that Jesker showed much interest in. He always shows much interest in little dogs. They are non-threatening to him. There was much sniffing under the tail and satisfied that it was only a male pug, Jesker continued on his way with me close behind. So much excitement early in the morning.

I was early and had a cup of decaf before I left to go to ergo therapy. I don't drink too much coffee anymore, preferring not to artificially stimulate my braincells. One cup before I go is enough. I drink more when I get there. There is no decaf available there. Silly, isn't it? There is tea, however. So, I can have that, with sugar.

I wore a short sleeved cardigan when I rode my bike there. It was so nice out. I wore a gray sun dress and thin gray leggings with my funky lace up boots and felt like a young girl, which was fine, as long as I didn't look in the mirror to shatter my illusion. I have to keep some of them, anyway.

At first there were no interesting people on the sun deck, so I had to make do with who was there, which is no fun sometimes, until better ones came straggling out of the building. That made me happy, because the conversation improved dramatically.

Our therapist came out to see who was all there for ergo therapy and saw that there were only 3 of us, when there should be 7. We don't mind. It gives us more time to talk about our own things, although we're not all equally happy about this. I should say, I don't mind. It gives me more time.

And talk we did. Boy, did we ever. I can't tell you what we talked about, of course, but it was pretty hefty. We all put more than our two cents worth in, especially when a 4th person showed up. United we stood and cheered each other on. Well, we didn't get as rowdy as that, but we do support each other tremendously. We have to when we spill our guts. It's not always an easy thing to do for everybody.

It got hard for me when we got our "art" assignment. I thought we had to all work together on one large piece of paper on the board on the wall and together make something of it. That's what I understood and I immediately got a panic attack and left the room to finish having it in the hallway.

I can not work on one assignment together with a group of people. I absolutely dread it. It is the thing I hate most. To be given that assignment is the worst that can happen to me.

I sat on a bench and hyperventilated until the therapist came out and got me to stop doing that and had me look her straight in the eyes, so she knew we were making contact and that's how she got me to calm down enough to go back into the room.

It turned out we each had to individually work on our own piece of paper, which was easy and I felt a great deal of relief and all my anxiety dropped away from me. Wasn't I making a big deal out of nothing?

When I got home, the Exfactor was already there and he had walked the dog, who lovingly greeted me when I walked in. He said hello in such a sweet way and we hugged. Or rather, I hugged him and he let me very patiently. The dog, that is.

The Exfactor and I had a large talk about the patriarchal society and as usual, he surprised me with his insightful points of view and I have to remember that he is more emancipated in real life than he was in our marriage. To know him as a friend is better than to know him as a husband. People are always better when you stop being related to them so intimately.

I haven't been to the store yet and I made soup with vermicelli for the dog and me. The dog loved it and ate with great taste. I'm not going to the store today, I'm too exhausted. All that spending of emotional energy will take it out of you. Ergo therapy exhausted me. So much input is asked of you and you don't want to waste the time and effort.

Because I'm so tired, I'm going to end this now and stick a photo on the top. The news will be on in a while and I need to make a pack of cigarettes and write an email.

Have a good evening, all of you.



Frances said...

the therapist dealt with you very well.
It may help you for another time to check what you are panicking about before you start panicking. LOL
Still - all adds to the excitement.

Funny, reminds me that my ex taught me to drive a motorbike in a very short time, before we were married.
He tried to teach me to drive a car after we were married, then he had no patience, it was disastrous and he got very annoyed with me for not grasping all the essentials immediately - shouting and carrying on.

Many years later we were speaking about it and he said 'Ah yes, but I had a higher expectation of my wife" LOL - so those double standards just carry on...
One set of expectations and constraints for the wife, another for the friend.

aims said...

Oh Lord you made me laugh with the antics of the dogs. Too funny Irene. You do see life so such a slant - I love it. There is a pug next door to us - and you are right - totally ugly little dog. Scooter is it's name and it barks away trying to sound like a big dog.

On to the topic of doing a project with a group. Have you had many to do like that? I don't know if I could do it either. I'm not good in situations like that - even if I know them. I can work with my brother and The Man very well. Add in any more than that and I can't.
Maybe it's my need to be in control of myself and the situation.

Your therapist sounds wonderful. How lucky you are Irene. You have good people looking after you there. They won't try and hurt you and they try to help.

VioletSky said...

glad you cleared that up about the hug and the dog.

Elaine said...

I completely understand your panic. I have a need to be in own make it my mine. I'd be so worried that someone would put their colours into my space, or muck up the plan I had in my head, or go over the lines; the boundaries. I have always suffered with this...even when my son was little and I'd spent half an hour with his colouring book and he suddenly came along and wanted to 'help' colouring in my picture. Or putting up the Christmas tree...when he'd hang all the baubles in one place and it made me feel uncomfortable, so I had to wait for him to go to bed so I could rearrange it all.

I just think of it as a 'quirk' of mine, and not a problem. I laugh at myself and others laugh with me.

We can't all be perfect, can we?

Gail said...

You are sounding very well, Irene, and it looks good on you.

Maureen said...

I can only imagine how tiring an emotional day like that can be. Glad to hear the project wasn't a group one if it upset you so much. I am hoping for rain tonight; it was a very warm day and rain is always better for my plants than tap water... and easier for me too! ;)