Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Much ado about little.
It was a day like many other days. There were clouds, but no rain , and there was lots of sunshine. It was warm outside. In the morning, when it was still cool, I wore my leather jacket and took the dog for a walk. We only saw bicyclists and cars and one man walking his dog, which was a little pug. Really an ugly little dog that Jesker showed much interest in. He always shows much interest in little dogs. They are non-threatening to him. There was much sniffing under the tail and satisfied that it was only a male pug, Jesker continued on his way with me close behind. So much excitement early in the morning.
I was early and had a cup of decaf before I left to go to ergo therapy. I don't drink too much coffee anymore, preferring not to artificially stimulate my braincells. One cup before I go is enough. I drink more when I get there. There is no decaf available there. Silly, isn't it? There is tea, however. So, I can have that, with sugar.
I wore a short sleeved cardigan when I rode my bike there. It was so nice out. I wore a gray sun dress and thin gray leggings with my funky lace up boots and felt like a young girl, which was fine, as long as I didn't look in the mirror to shatter my illusion. I have to keep some of them, anyway.
At first there were no interesting people on the sun deck, so I had to make do with who was there, which is no fun sometimes, until better ones came straggling out of the building. That made me happy, because the conversation improved dramatically.
Our therapist came out to see who was all there for ergo therapy and saw that there were only 3 of us, when there should be 7. We don't mind. It gives us more time to talk about our own things, although we're not all equally happy about this. I should say, I don't mind. It gives me more time.
And talk we did. Boy, did we ever. I can't tell you what we talked about, of course, but it was pretty hefty. We all put more than our two cents worth in, especially when a 4th person showed up. United we stood and cheered each other on. Well, we didn't get as rowdy as that, but we do support each other tremendously. We have to when we spill our guts. It's not always an easy thing to do for everybody.
It got hard for me when we got our "art" assignment. I thought we had to all work together on one large piece of paper on the board on the wall and together make something of it. That's what I understood and I immediately got a panic attack and left the room to finish having it in the hallway.
I can not work on one assignment together with a group of people. I absolutely dread it. It is the thing I hate most. To be given that assignment is the worst that can happen to me.
I sat on a bench and hyperventilated until the therapist came out and got me to stop doing that and had me look her straight in the eyes, so she knew we were making contact and that's how she got me to calm down enough to go back into the room.
It turned out we each had to individually work on our own piece of paper, which was easy and I felt a great deal of relief and all my anxiety dropped away from me. Wasn't I making a big deal out of nothing?
When I got home, the Exfactor was already there and he had walked the dog, who lovingly greeted me when I walked in. He said hello in such a sweet way and we hugged. Or rather, I hugged him and he let me very patiently. The dog, that is.
The Exfactor and I had a large talk about the patriarchal society and as usual, he surprised me with his insightful points of view and I have to remember that he is more emancipated in real life than he was in our marriage. To know him as a friend is better than to know him as a husband. People are always better when you stop being related to them so intimately.
I haven't been to the store yet and I made soup with vermicelli for the dog and me. The dog loved it and ate with great taste. I'm not going to the store today, I'm too exhausted. All that spending of emotional energy will take it out of you. Ergo therapy exhausted me. So much input is asked of you and you don't want to waste the time and effort.
Because I'm so tired, I'm going to end this now and stick a photo on the top. The news will be on in a while and I need to make a pack of cigarettes and write an email.
Have a good evening, all of you.