Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The fact is.

Although I have written a post this morning, it seems I am only happy when I am in the process of writing a new one. I find I don't have the patience right now to sit and read other blogs and barely have interest in what other people have to say, and although I realize that this is a selfish attitude, it is the one I am stuck with at the moment, god forgive me.

After I walked Jesker this morning, I decided to go grocery shopping, because I thought there wasn't that much I needed, I didn't even make a list. Well, guess what, I needed more than I thought I did and with my bags loaded I rode home, which was the easy part, really. The hard part was unloading everything, which I did in three trips, but carefully and the bike was parked in the hallway, so that saved me some walking distance. How I maneuvered it in there so fully loaded is another story.

I shopped according to my latest hunger pattern, so I bought things I had been craving lately, like cookies, which I bought three packages off. Now when I get a craving, I will have them. I also bought white bread and real chocolate sprinkles, for when I am in the mood for those. And I bought a box of cereal and extra milk. I felt like being completely self indulgent and having these things available to me when I needed them, although it is a lot of foolishness and I will gain weight on them if I'm not careful. Oh yes, I also bought Brie.

After that, I took a nice long nap on the sofa. Yes, it is "take many naps time" again and I don't know what it means, except that my manic mood is over and done with, which it should be on this high dose of anti psychotics.

I'm listening to the Rhythmbox, which is a built in feature of Ubuntu and it comes with 24 days worth of free music of all kinds. I mean, it would take 24 days to listen to all the music if you wanted to. I'm listening to world music now, which has its appeal, rock is coming up next. It's a mixture of music I'm listening to now, I'll let it surprise me. Wait a minute, I do like world music, I'm going to set that as my choice, just a minute...

I have to leave in 45 minutes to see my SPN, so I'm keeping an eye on the clock. I only remember to look at my watch when I'm out and about, I count on the wall clock when I'm home, even when I can look at the computer clock. Digital has no meaning to me, I have to see the face with the hands on it. Analog that's called and the wall clock is one minute slow, but that is unimportant. It's old fashioned to be a little behind the correct time. Nostalgic is what I mean. Like a horse drawn cart.

Jesker has found the one spot in the room where the sun shines on the floor and is laying in it. As if it isn't warm enough in here. The thermometer says 24 degrees, the same as outside. What possesses a dog to go lay down in the sun on a hot day like today? I would find the coolest place in the apartment if I were him.

I am actually typing this very slowly and taking many little breaks, so it's taking me forever to get this done. I may not finish this before I have to leave. I will have to put you all in the edit format. I'm distracted by the music too. I should turn it off, but it's so interesting.

I tell you what I'll do. I'll save this now and finish this when I get home.


I have seen my SPN and we've had a productive talk and, as usual, I learned things about myself. You mustn't think because I share so much of myself here, that I tell you everything about myself. In whatever mood I find myself in, there are thoughts and emotions and wants and hopes and wishes and feelings of despair that I keep to myself and that I don't share with anyone but my SPN. Only she knows everything and I wonder how much she knows? Does she know more than I tell her? You never know with therapists.

Boy, I don't know about this post that's taking me so long to write. I am going to visit other blogs now, I have visited some already. Maggie May was right, walking is the best exercise when you have a sore back. Even when you start off walking crooked.



Frances said...

She doesn't know as much as you do, but she is outside, so it is easier for her to pick things apart and look at you clearly. Glad you went and glad it was productive.
Keep strong and look after yourself.

Wisewebwoman said...

You can tell me to MYOB, Irene, but do you eat fruit and veggies, a whitish diet can contribute to being hyper/depressive.

Maggie May said...

I have heard that plenty of wholewheat things (if you can get them down) are very beneficial to people suffering from depression. Vit B helps the nerves to stay stable and also oats make you feel good.

Glad the walking is helping you back.Also good for beating depression.
Also glad that you ARE making progress with the knowledge of your self. Sounds like the SPN does know much about you & therefore can help you.
Keep trekking, my friend.X

Gail said...

Write all you want to, I am here, waiting with baited breath, to hear the next story!