Friday, August 07, 2009

Not taking any bets...

I seem to be in a normal mood today, whatever you want to call "normal," but let's just pretend that such a mood exists for me and that I find myself in it today. I'm almost afraid to make that public in case it's just a fluke and it comes undone again tomorrow. I was talking to my SPN on the phone this afternoon and she said that I was fluctuating so much lately that everything was unpredictable and that I've got to keep a close eye on any sign of hypo mania, now that I've lowered the anti psychotics again, although it is very possible that nothing is going to happen, and I say, let's just assume that and pretend that nothing will. I want very much to spend some time in the doldrums and have no ups and downs whatsoever.

That doesn't mean that I'm not scared shitless that something won't happen. It is all very precarious, but I must be smart about it and make sure I stick to a sensible schedule and go to bed at a sensible time and get enough sleep at night, so I don't upset the applecart. I must keep my life as simple as possible with the least amount of triggers and the least amount of traps to fall in to. I'm a great influence in that myself and I can make it as complicated as I want. The only thing I don't have such good control over are my thoughts and they do tend too carry me away, so I must make sure I am occupied and I don't have time to do a lot of mind f****ing. I wish I could just write down that word and not worry about everybody's sensitivities.

I am already making it a point to read when I'm not otherwise occupied. This way I'll finish that book that I'm not that interested in and I will be able to order a new one sooner. I lie down on the sofa with my book and, of course, I do fall asleep after awhile, but only for a short time today and not for hours. And I do manage to read quite a few pages of the book, so it won't be too long until I'm finished with it. I hope my next book is more of a success and I don't even remember how I came to buy this one and if someone recommended it to me, or if it was on a top sellers list. I think the latter. You can't believe everything you read, or maybe it is just a question of personal taste.

I finally cleaned up the kitchen where the dishes were scattered haphazardly and things were starting to smell a little pungent. I also swept the floor and many dog hairs were collected. A big pan that I had cooked soup in is soaking, because I could not get the hard bits of vermicelli off. I can be such a sloppy housewife when I'm under the weather, things just disappear off the radar and before you know it, I've used every clean glass that's in the cabinet. At least the ones that I like to use, which reminds me that I have to buy more tall glasses, because some got broken and I don't have enough to go around now if I ever got company. Ha ha.

Well, some day I want to have a dish washer and I want to have enough dishes to be able to load up the dishwasher and still have a dish or two left to use. I can dream big, can't I? I have always had dishwashers and find them very handy for keeping the kitchen clean. All things considered, I'm living under primitive circumstances now without a car, or a dryer, or a dishwasher, or a self cleaning oven. I've come down in the world. In the process, I was forced to become eco-friendly, but it was not by choice. It just looks good on paper and I can't afford them, so It's easy for me to claim to leave a small fossil footprint, but I do it quite by accident. Besides, you should see the things I throw in the trash and am too lazy to sort, because I have no easy way of hauling them to the recycle depots.'s a secret!

I do have a No/No sticker on my mailbox. That means I only want mail that's directly addressed to me, no advertising, no door to door fliers, no free newspapers. It saves me tremendously in paper to be recycled every month. I hardly have any. What little I have, I add to the neighbor's box. And I can't afford a news paper, so I don't have that worry of another tree cut and another paper to be recycled.

It's all a question of money and what you can afford and what you choose to spend it on. Rich people have bigger fossil foot prints. Poor people can't afford large fossil foot prints. So, you have to choose which audience you preach to.

Well, anyway, I got off on a tangent there, didn't mean to go that way at all. How did I get there anyway? Oh yes, the dishwasher. I wouldn't use the drying cycle, but just dry the dishes by hand. That's not the hardest job. I like drying silverware by hand, it's a soothing job. All the knives and then all the forks, etc. Which reminds me that I have to clean out the utensil drawer. That's a good job for a Saturday when I need something to keep me occupied. How is it that all the crumbs of the food end up in the utensil drawer? Can someone tell me that? It's not like I sweep them in there.

Well, I've got to watch the 6 o'clock news now and be well informed again.

Talk at you later.



Frances said...

Good to hear the SPN supporting you again and giving you sensible advice, rather than standing in the way of what you want. She really can read you so well. What a difference that woman made in your life, when I compare your original desperate situation with a psychiatrist who seemed semi-detached and no-one else to turn to. Your life is transformed.
Yes,keep an eye on the moods, just in case they start getting out of hand over the weekend when you aren't being observed.


Maggie May said...

Wonderful that you can ring the SPN when you need advice and I am pleased that you have this support.
Hope you get through the next few days with nothing too bad happening to your moods.
Have a good night X

Gail said...

What is normal? I don't think I am normal and I take pride in it. If I were normal, I would not be creative and would bore people to tears.

glad you are feeling better.

laurie said...

you may not be taking any bets, but i completely believe in you.

and my silverware drawer needs cleaning, too.

Elaine said...

I was looking at the crumbs in my drawer yesterday and wondering how they got there.

I haven't got a dryer either. But I love my dishwasher - I couldn't live without it now.

Babaloo said...

The thing about the crumbs in the drawers is one of the mysteries of life. Like the question where all the single socks disappear to, the ones that go missing from the washing machine. :-)

Have fun sorting out that drawer and have a good weekend! Maybe you'll finish that book...

Maureen said...

Ha! About the crumbs! I too have them... glad to see I am not the only one. Sounds like a conspiracy to me ;)

Take care.