Well, at least I know what day it is again. Yesterday I thought it was Thursday all day long and that I had to go to creative therapy today and I was wondering if I would be in any state to go. Luckily, it is Saturday and all I have to do is clean up the kitchen and do the laundry. Those don't seem like such unsurmountable tasks, do they? I can walk without wobbling and walk upward pretty straight and even type pretty well, without making too many mistakes. I do have a terrible ache in my back and I got that from the couple of hours that I was semi-conscious in bed and tried to get up but couldn't, no matter how hard I tried and I was scared that I would never be able to get up again. I was in a real panic then. So I take paracetamol for that.
Let me all give you some good advice. If you're trying to kill yourself, don't do it with an over dose of tranquilizers. It doesn't work and it can give you lasting brain damage. So, just don't do it. Okay? I was lucky in that I came out of it okay, but it could have gone terribly wrong and I don't mean death by that. I mean long time suffering and I still don't know if I'm really okay, because even now I am still under the influence of the pills.
In th meantime I have started to take all my regular medicines again, but no tranquilizers, of which I have some left. I don't know if and when I will take those again. It may take awhile before it has all left my system. I don't know, I guess time will tell. If need be, I can always take the Tenazepam, which also works good and of which I have enough left.
In the meantime, there's nothing like my morning cups of coffee and my cigarettes. I'm drinking single cups of coffee now instead of those great big double mugs. My coffee got too cold in those before I had time to drink it all, so the smaller cups are perfect. I have to get up more often for a refill, by that's okay, I think I drink less coffee, because I postpone getting up. You could say I'm too lazy to. Besides, whenever I go to the kitchen counter a cat gets in the way, making it hard to do things, because they sometimes knock things over in their exuberance.
Jesker is still sound asleep, but should be getting up any minute now to want to go for his walk. That means I have to get dressed and see if I can actually walk as straight as I think I can.
On Sunday the 16th of August, it was 5 years since my son died. Did this subconsciously bother me? Who knows? The mind is a tricky thing.
Ciao...
11 comments:
Sending you a virtual nest to snuggle up in Irene and thinking of you today:)
Well...tonight as it is here, but day for you.
At least you do know what day it is...and you got out of bed...all good things! This is going to be a good day, Irene. Hopefully even an enjoyable day!
Meanwhile I have discovered South Coast Plaza - it's even walking distance LOL But I don't know if I like home associations! (we've never dealt with that before)
So what are you going to wear today?
Me? I am going to bed! (12:35 pm)
Good to have you back - you are gold dust in the blogging streams.
hugs
I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better today...it's great to have you back and sounding like the Irene we all know and love. Take things easy and try to have a peaceful, relaxing day. Thinking of you. x
Have a good day Irene
I agree with Frances and loved her poetic phrase.
You are my daily fix of humor and wisdom, one day without you and I fell apart.
You sound so wonderful. May it continue and may you see the world through different eyes today.
You do sound better today. And even if you're not always sure what day it is, you have me for company! I spent all day Thursday thinking it was Friday - to the point where I was getting ready for my planned Friday evening activities! PG finally set me straight - at about 8 PM!
Oh - and yes, I think August 16th had a LOT to do with your recent downward spiral. The mind is terribly clever at working in the background, and only later can we (sometimes) see the motivations and patterns that cause us to think and behave in certain manners. Think about it: were you very down last year at this time? How about the year before? It's quite understandable if that turns out to be the case, so perhaps next year, you will be able to forestall a similar episode long before the dangerous time.
gold dust in the blogging streams? love it! and will surely use it again. Glad you're feeling better.
Thank you, Patricia, and for always leaving a comment. I appreciate it a lot.
I've been away from blog land for a couple of days due to us having a visitor and I've been trying to catch up with your posts. I'm not fully done yet and although I only wanted to make one larger comment on your latest posts I can't hold on any longer.
I go away for a few days and this happens? I can't believe it, Irene. How can you say (in one of your earlier posts) that "there is a future for me in this world, albeit a sort of limited one"?! Why are you limiting yourself?
I find it very frightening that you felt it necessary to take this step without asking for proper help from people around you. Now, in my upset I may have just skimmed through some posts but if you did ask for outside help then it didn't register with me.
Whatever you do, you have to sort out a support system for yourself. If you can go that quickly into such despair then you have to make sure you have people available to help. Day AND night.
Phew, it had to be said. Sorry if I'm out of order but I just had to get it off my chest.
Glad you seem to be feeling a bit better now and I still have to catch up with your next posts. I just hope there's no more other nasty surprises hiding there...
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