Saturday, August 22, 2009
Early Saturday Morning...
Well, at least I know what day it is again. Yesterday I thought it was Thursday all day long and that I had to go to creative therapy today and I was wondering if I would be in any state to go. Luckily, it is Saturday and all I have to do is clean up the kitchen and do the laundry. Those don't seem like such unsurmountable tasks, do they? I can walk without wobbling and walk upward pretty straight and even type pretty well, without making too many mistakes. I do have a terrible ache in my back and I got that from the couple of hours that I was semi-conscious in bed and tried to get up but couldn't, no matter how hard I tried and I was scared that I would never be able to get up again. I was in a real panic then. So I take paracetamol for that.
Let me all give you some good advice. If you're trying to kill yourself, don't do it with an over dose of tranquilizers. It doesn't work and it can give you lasting brain damage. So, just don't do it. Okay? I was lucky in that I came out of it okay, but it could have gone terribly wrong and I don't mean death by that. I mean long time suffering and I still don't know if I'm really okay, because even now I am still under the influence of the pills.
In th meantime I have started to take all my regular medicines again, but no tranquilizers, of which I have some left. I don't know if and when I will take those again. It may take awhile before it has all left my system. I don't know, I guess time will tell. If need be, I can always take the Tenazepam, which also works good and of which I have enough left.
In the meantime, there's nothing like my morning cups of coffee and my cigarettes. I'm drinking single cups of coffee now instead of those great big double mugs. My coffee got too cold in those before I had time to drink it all, so the smaller cups are perfect. I have to get up more often for a refill, by that's okay, I think I drink less coffee, because I postpone getting up. You could say I'm too lazy to. Besides, whenever I go to the kitchen counter a cat gets in the way, making it hard to do things, because they sometimes knock things over in their exuberance.
Jesker is still sound asleep, but should be getting up any minute now to want to go for his walk. That means I have to get dressed and see if I can actually walk as straight as I think I can.
On Sunday the 16th of August, it was 5 years since my son died. Did this subconsciously bother me? Who knows? The mind is a tricky thing.