Monday, August 24, 2009

No need to...

For those of you who are a little scared to come here not knowing what sort of mood you're going to find me in, I can tell you to rest assured, because my mood is the same as it was yesterday, which is almost miraculous and unheard of. If you don't know what my mood was like yesterday, I have to tell you that it was good and that I was very calm and serene and peaceful, being three different words that all mean the same thing, but it looks good to have them there all in a row.

At any rate, I am in a good mood and totally the opposite of what I was last week, which was a wreck, but we all know that. I don't know how one person can have such opposite moods that differ so very much that you would think I was another person but for my outside skin and the name I listen to, but the truth is that both these two extremes are me and I can not reconcile them, so one of them has to go.

You'll remember a book that was very popular in the 80's called "Healing The Child Within." I read it then and sort of understood it, but on the necessary level I didn't connect with the very basic idea, being that you had to heal your actual inner child that still lived inside your psyche now and that lived a large part of your emotional life for you. Intellectually I got it, but emotionally it flew right past me until yesterday. I had an awakening and suddenly the light bulb went on above my head and I understood the whole thing. It was as if a whole new world opened up to me and I got a new vision on an old problem. That's all I'm going to share about it with you for now, because it is a new idea to me and I'm still testing it out, but if you have any knowledge of psychology, you'll get the basic premise.

Anyway, since that light bulb went on, I've had this very serene feeling and I thought it might last a day, like it usually does, but I woke up with it this morning too, so I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't sleep for a very long time. I fell asleep on the sofa, watching a German thriller, and stayed there for the night. I woke up early in the morning and felt completely rested and only had one mug of coffee, which didn't even taste that great, so I switched to juice. I took the dog for a long walk and really wore him out, the poor thing. He can't walk very far and it was already warm outside.

I made cigarettes with my last tobacco and had just enough for a pack. I do have incredible timing when it comes to my tobacco usage. Then I got on my bike and went on my merry way to creative therapy and when it got there, a woman who I had given my dangling earrings to, gave me a bag with necklaces in it. Some of them were really nice and I was happy with them and appreciated it very much. I picked one out and put it on and felt pretty all day. It is quite gaudy and looks perfect on what I'm wearing, which is black and white and gray. I like being a gaudy woman. I suits my style.

At creative therapy I worked on a drawing that everybody seems to like so much. I was drawing it with a fine tip pen and now I am coloring it with inks. I did a very sloppy job with the inks. because my brush wasn't small enough, but it looks alright and I mostly use these drawings to try out new ideas and to test the different colored inks with. Then the therapist had a good idea. She has canvases and she wants me to draw my favorite doodle on a canvas with a black felt tip pen and then color it in with acrylic paints. There is someone there doing cityscapes in this technique and they turn out great, so I am very excited about this idea and I can't wait to start on it on Friday. I didn't even think of this myself.

After creative therapy, I talked to my ergo therapist, who is also the head therapist, and she said that I don't ask for enough help. That I try to do too much on my own and don't use the resources and the people who are at my command. Everybody is just a phone call away. A bike ride away. An email away. Anyway, help is so close and I don't make use of it and struggle on on my own. So I have to learn to call for help before it's too late, way at the beginning when it starts. That means I have to learn to pick up my own signals better, so I will recognize when things start to turn sour.

I'm learning an awful lot these past 2 days, people. More than I can tell you in this post. Little bits of knowledge, and bigger bits, are coming my way and I'm paying attention. I'm paying an awful lot of attention. I think it's good to be off the tranquilizers and I'm not going to blame anyone for prescribing them to me, because I asked for them myself, falling apart as I was. I'm not going up and down with my energy anymore and drinking coffee to keep my spirits up artificially. I hardly drink any coffee at all.

Today I had Mental Health Day. That means I do things that are healthy for my mind and I don't do anything that causes obvious stress. I allow myself at least three days a week like that. Anything I do has to be pleasurable and something I want to do and not something I have to do. It has to be rewarding to me.

Tomorrow is Responsibility Day. That means I Work. I do the things I try to get out of doing. Like clean house and do groceries and pay bills. I try to cheat and add some Pleasurable Hours to these days and I usually manage that because I only have myself to answer to. I have to live with my own disaster. I have at least 2 days that are Responsibility Days.

That leaves the weekend. On Saturday I have to be Responsible and do some Work. Change the bed, do some groceries, do some laundry, sweep the floors, but not all day long. Some time in the afternoon it gets to be Mental Health Day again and I am free from my duties, except for the animals, of course, always.

Sunday isn't any sort of day at all. It doesn't count. It is not a real day. On Sunday you can do whatever you want to do as long as you don't break the Ten Commandments. You can sit and stare out the window all day long if you want and you will not get any sort of penalty at all, because it is a Holy Day! Hurray! Sometimes I do like religion, only for those convenient reasons, though.

And that's all I'm going to write today, because that's enough and I have to go and walk my dog.

Have a great rest of the day, There are some clouds moving in. Could it be rain?



Maureen said...

Oh Irene, I love the way you break up the week into certain "days"... just make sure you leave some time each and every day for fun. ;)

It is a stormy, cool day here. A good excuse to stay inside and do some art. Can't wait to see your canvas drawing/painting! What a great project idea.

Babaloo said...

An awful lot seems to be going on in you. That's all good but don't forget to ask for help and go little baby steps. We all have habits and patterns that are decades old, there's no rush changing them within one day! Give yourself time to let things sink in and 'digest' them. :)

Oh, and your canvas painting sounds very exciting! Can't wait to have a look.

I'm going to say goodbye for a week, I'm off to see my parents in Germany tomorrow. I'm actually flying in to Amsterdam, will be thinking of you! xx

Anonymous said...

That thing about not asking for enough help is a very hard habit to break! Women have fought so long to be independent, and when we finally get to where we want to be, we have a tendency to try too hard to do it all ourselves (at least that's my story!). Best of luck with it - and I'm glad to hear of your enthusiasm for art again!

Anonymous said...

I am so pleased to read of your lightbulb moment. I hope that you will gain every little thing you can from these uplifted days. Sometimes we just need to be ready to grow the plant from the seeds planted along time ago. I am sure you will...each precious leaf unfolding in it's own perfect time.

Frances said...

Part of being in control and independent is getting help when we want and need it. It isn't weak to ask for help, quite the opposite. Sometimes it is hard to admit to what we need. It takes strength to open up.
Other people's help can be like having the correct tools for the job. After all, we wouldn't pull out our own teeth or do our own heart transplant. LOLLLLL


Wisewebwoman said...

Oh I love those lightbulb moments, Irene, the nudge us further along. You are in very good space, peaceful and content.

Gail said...

It's a healing, Irene.

John said...

Be well - your photos make me crave May..