Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Fighting against sleep.

I've been to the tobacconist, The sun was beating down on me, but the short bike ride was nice. I got two packs of tobacco that should last me a while and I just made a package of cigarettes with the filter tubes. Now I'm fighting sleep and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I wonder if it would be best to go lie down for a while, but the dog needs to be walked and I'm afraid that I'll sleep for a long time. Before you know it, the day is done and I haven't done any of the things I said I would do. Why am I so tired all the time?

I've Just slept for 45 minutes. The alarm clock woke me up, because it was time to take my medicines. I had forgotten about that, that it would go off. I fell asleep watching James Herriott and when I woke up it was just ending, Those programs are so dated. I'm surprised they show them anymore. Siegfried is always the prima ballerina. The one who wants to steal the show.

I'm tired of being tired. My back is a lot better today and I'm managing fine, but I hate this infernal tiredness. I feel like an ill person who is recuperating after an operation. I'm also downhearted a lot and that doesn't set well with me at all. I should be more cheerful and I'm not and that bothers me. Well, for any explanation for that see my previous post. I'm sure I'm on the right track about this and I should start feeling better soon. Within the next couple of days, I hope.

I don't want to forever be this downcast and browbeaten woman who only complains. I do want to see the cheerful side of life again and not just drag this tired body through life with me. I need a change of attitude too. I am seeing things from the black side now, WWW would say that I have the black dog with me. And just think, it may all be chemically induced.

I've taken all my medication now, all except my sleeping pill, that is. I felt none of it could wait any longer. I felt as if I was going through withdrawal. I didn't want to wait until 10 pm. I had my last anti psychotic pill at 6 pm last night. It was time I took them now. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Actually, these are called quicklets and they melt on your tongue, so they are absorbed by your system very quickly. They work in minutes...

...daydreaming again. You'll all have to bear with me while I work my way through this thing, whatever it is. I realize that the posts I write lately are different and that there is a quiet desperation in them. I am trying to work things out through writing about them, but I don't know if it's doing any good. The need to write is great. There is a need to be in contact and to communicate my feelings... the end there is the solace of food...

...I am going to watch the news and be a well informed citizen. That's something anyway.



Maureen said...

I do hope you find someone near to talk to, Irene. Sounds like you need a little help finding that balance again.

I am glad your back is better. Do you think a call to your SPN is in order?

Maggie May said...

Great that your back is better. One less thing to worry about.
If you feel so tired and you can afford the time, then sleep, Irene. It is nature's way of healing. Your body must need it.
You will get back soon to being more energetic. probably overdid it before with all that cleaning.
Writing & talking are good therapy.
Try and let things pass.... X

frand said...

I've been following your posts for a while, and enjoying them.
I just made a big rhubarb cake; wish I could share it with you.
Fran (Calgary, Canada.)

Frances said...

sleep well dear one.
Keep in touch with your SPN if things don't look better in the morning.

Gail said...

Glad your back in better. Rest, your body is probably adjusting to the meds. There is light at the end of the tunnel.